mynewplace

Avast!

Ummm, do you know where I can get some Lycra spandex leopard-print leggings?

Happy birthday

beldar I don't know you very well, but you're certainly welcome to come along for the roller coaster ride that is

sapphirescarlet Feel free to touch the monkeys, and please don't keep your hands inside the car.

Not much to say yet today. Scarlett is doing quite well at getting off to school, although she drags her feet if I don't walk through the steps with her every day. That's okay, though. I don't have to get ready until after she leaves. In fact, her departure at 6:45 gives me time to get on the computer, check my email and Live Journal, and kinda wake up more. For some reason that builds my energy level. Every morning when the alarm goes off I start thinking of ways I can miss work or go in late. By the time I have finished my computer play, I'm ready to face the day.

Got a new icon, courtesy of

gymorama. He's my primary "maker" of animated icons nowadays. I have been hearing new lyrics to songs in my head for several days now. Just a creative spurt, I guess.

I've only been taking three pills for the last several days. For some reason I thought I'd put my blood pressure pills in my bottle where I keep everything. But I hadn't, and I kept thinking that they weren't supposed to be blue, they were supposed to be white. I was right, so I found them and took one today. Hope it helps these nagging headaches when I wake up.

Brent is VERY MUCH looking forward to the weekend. He's horny and lonely. I miss him, too. He's not ready to talk about anything more than what we have now. I have been bringing it up once in a while, but I can't help it. I drive by a 3 bedroom house for lease on my street EVERY DAY. It's $800 a month, and has a basement where he could set up his drum kit. We could save SO MUCH damned money. And I could leave the roaches behind. siiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Yes, I'm still having trouble with the damned things. I've been MUCH more conscientious regarding my kitchen, rinsing dishes before loading them in the dishwasher, keeping the sink, stove and counters clean with bleach, and spraying roach spray into all the cracks every few days. The spray is supposed to last six weeks, but after just a few days I start seeing roach poopie on the places where I spray. I made myself a little sick with it yesterday, and didn't get it off my hands when I washed - so it got on my contacts and I couldn't wear them. The bitch of it all is I actually saw the first one in the living room this morning. Of course I sprayed it, made myself a little sick with the spray again, but that's proof to me that the spray isn't doing the job. Which fucking pisses me off because it takes an act of God to get my landlord to do anything.  Goddammit. I guess I'll have to move the cats to Brent's one weekend and DEMAND that he hire an exterminator. I don't know what else to do. I'm sick of things going wrong and him not taking care of them.  I have a list of several things now: the mildew on the laundry room ceiling has been there over a year. I suspect the carpet in the hall is ruined because it got wet when the ceiling leaked from the washing machine upstairs. Now the light fixture in the hallway has a short and won't work. And the fucking roaches, which originally moved in when the girls upstairs moved out. I did NOT have them before that, dammit.

Okay. I'm going to try to work now. Everybody in my section is gone for two days, so I'm the ONLY person answering phones. My boss is sick, too.   It's nice for things to be quiet, but I have a harder time working when he's not here. All I want to do is play. I don't have SHIT for games on this damned computer.

Well, I guess I had more to say than I thought.

It's been three days since I posted here. Scarlett's birthday weekend has finally passed, and I am relieved.

Her birthday party was a combination of childish play and obnoxious pre-teen pouting and sassing. She doesn't handle crowds well, nor does she handle unexpected guests well. She's much like me in that regard. It's taken almost all of my 42 years to master the skill of mingling and moving about at a party. I'm still not real good at unexpected guests or surprises.

We had a good day today. My cousin's husband brought his professional camera and took photos of her. They're going to turn out wonderfully, I can tell by the previews. I will post several here when I receive them.

She has decided that she is too frightened to walk home after school or stay by herself. She will stay with friends tomorrow, while I call around in search of day care. I cannot afford it. Period. I don't know what I'm going to do, or cut back, in order to provide her the protection that will set her mind at ease. I'm at a total loss here.

I've been remarkably domestic today, although you wouldn't know it to look at my living room. Ah well. One room at a time. I have a couple of plots involving mailed food that I am trying to coordinate. I'm trying to adjust my work attitude in time for morning. I MUST go to bed earlier tonight.

So I'm going to try. Nite, cha'll.

Second day with a nagging pain in the front of my head, above my left eyebrow.   I woke yesterday morning at 4:30 to a spinning room, and I've not felt right ever since. I made an emergency visit to my doctor yesterday a.m., and she put me on a BP med. Started it today. We'll see.

Scarlett had another meltdown yesterday evening, kinda went off and on all evening long. She is NOT feeling well, appears to be a mild cold with no infection, but it's draining her quickly. I left her at home today with no t.v. and no online access. She's resting, and a bit restless, which is fine. Her birthday is tomorrow. I got her some Pokemon cards, trying to accept something I don't particularly like.

Last night there was an insistent aggressive scratching noise that pulled me out of bed at 11 p.m. I thought Mitzi had gotten stuck in Scarlett's closet or something, but when I got to the living room, there were both cats, staring at the front door - which was vibrating from the scratching on the other side! Scared the shit outta me, so I called 911. The scratching stopped, but while I was on the phone with the police, it resumed further down the wall, close to the sidewalk. The dispatcher said he'd send someone to look around, so I hung up, grabbed my broom, and waited. The scratching stopped, but nothing walked past my window or made any further noise. I went back to bed, and the cop showed up. TWENTY MINUTES LATER.   Charleston's finest, ya'll. He found nothing, but I figure it was a fox or a possum or raccoon. Or a fucking rat.

I dreamed last night that Mitzi had a hole in her shoulder from falling against a bolt sticking out of a chair. The vet took for EVER to work on her, spent all his time working on a horse in the next room, which kept kicking him.   Women were having their nails done in the waiting room. Mitzi was so patient, and I felt SO horrible for her. Poor kitty.

Brent has asked to attend Scarlett's birthday party. How sweet! Scarlett is very happy that he wants to come and has said "Of course!"

Now I've got to do some work or something. I feel like crap. My head pain won't go away.

This National Geographic Video almost broke my heart. I'm still trying not to cry. But the ending is happy, and satisfying. It makes me want to know more about Kobu. And I hope Mexico has stringent laws against owning exotic pets and will pursue some sort of punishment for his former owners.

This animal park story, however, makes me wonder. Also by National Geographic (I LOVE the site) it explores the idea of "rewilding" parts of the central US, to replace extinct American animals from the Ice Age. It doesn't seem natural. Is it a mistake of overconfident scientific minds intent to recreate a time that passed naturally? Ice Age animals died off for a reason - is it wise to try and introduce non-native animals? Or is this some huge government conspiracy to kill off the older people who live in the Midwest? My ex-friend Pavanne has been convinced for several years that the government (specifically Bush) is intent on killing off the poorer population, along with more feeble older citizens and the terminally or chronically ill. It seemed eerily rational when she would explain it or show me articles, but looking back? I just don't know.

Today is payday, but the bad one with which I pay my rent. It leaves me very little cash for groceries or gas, etc. Usually no bills get paid, but this month both my cable and electric are late, so they must needs be paid. Fortunately I'm not using as much gas these days, because Brent drives a lot, and we eat at his house a lot for lunch. Taking leftovers to his house to heat and eat is nice, and something I'll definitely continue doing next week.

A great weekend is ahead, with lots of sex, a concert Saturday, and relaxation. I"m heartily looking forward to it.

Current Mood: eh, fair

Blah. Okay, good news. I got my ring for my birthday -

Yay it's pretty. Yay it was cheap! Yay I bought it myself.

Got a new bookshelf put together, got some straightening done, weekend went pretty well.

Morning was "eh". She left, after changing into something that matched and crying over every single word out of my mouth. Her housekey doesn't work, so I had to leave her mine. I brought the computer modem to work with me, because of her mouthy attitude this morning. She cried, and will cry again when she gets home. So be it. I need to make a list of things for her to do.

I need to call and request a new hookup for my t.v. cable - I want to move it to the other side of the room. I probably ought to pay them something first. Which means I'll have to wait til the end of the week for payday. And it's rent payday, so there is very little cash left. I wish I could put aside enough money to split my rent, but the "good" payday always gets spent.

I have to potty. So I should go. Probably more later.

Current Mood: blah

I feel like I ought to say something, but I don't really have anything to say. It's been quiet, kind of. I've been grocery shopping, didn't go to Taste of Charleston because I didn't have enough money. Have been moving slow but reorganizing things, moving pics around to different walls, etc. Had an early dinner and now I'm thinking about dessert. More cleaning to do, but probably won't get to it this evening. GOT to put some more shit away. I'm running out of places.

C'mon People! Are you reading?

Yeah, I know a few of you are, my die hard friends, and I thank you. Just seems a little slow these last few days. I'm a spoiled LJ whore, I know.

Scarlett comes home today. Mom will be buying her school supplies, so that's an expense I won't have to absorb, which is nice. I'm going to pick up some printer cartridges so she'll have a working printer to start school. I'm going to pick up the Chuzzle game for $9.whatever at WalMart if I can find it. Yes, WalMart. Home of the non-union bastards where I swore I'd never go. Hey. They have something I want. pbbbbt.

Brent came over and ran my sweeper yesterday after work. The darling thing. I appreciated it so much, and he didn't even feel up to an exhibition of my appreciation. I need a new sweeper. siiiiiiiiiiiigh He didn't stick around even for dinner. My night was quiet, and there was much affection on the cell lines about nine p.m. He makes me feel so good, even when I don't know what it really means when he says he cares for me. I guess the explanation for that is I don't understand exactly what that entails. It's not love, but it includes meeting his mother, having dinner with her sometimes, meeting my family and eating with them, occasional sex and frequent kisses, a hug when I need it, a lot of laughter, some aggressive banter, and tolerance of my moods. Someone who asks how I'm feeling, who rants when my father makes me cry. Much gratitude and appreciation, marvel at my patience and kindness, and dinners out now and then. Is that what caring for someone is supposed to include? I think so, but I keep wondering why this isn't called love. Is there more to love? I think there is, but it's nice to finally experience caring first hand.

Scarlett will go to school tomorrow morning, and catch the bus for the first time in her life. The students have orientation for a few hours then are sent home. She'll go to our friend Nancy's house with the twins (her "best friends") and I'll pick her up there. Monday is the first real day of school. She will not be going to daycare this year. This is NOT legal in West Virginia. But what am I to do? I make too much to qualify for anything more than a reduced rate at certain places. I don't even know where those places are. And I can't afford a reduced rate. Make too much, can't afford. Story of my life.

Taste of Charleston is Saturday and Sunday, and we are planning to attend. Leigh has mentioned she'd like to go, and Brent as well. It's always yummy, and fun.

I think that's all for now. Except I need a new pair of tennis shoes. WalMart here we come.

'Bout damned time, too. My computer is acting wonky. Somehow I managed to convince it to show me everything BIGGER, and when I type, the letters shift of their own accord. Can't wait to see what this entry looks like. NOT.

I had a bizarre comment on my journal last night: http://sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com/396727.html
Pls to be going away now?

I ROASTED last night. Brent had the air at 69, and I woke in a damp spot on the bed. Sweat under my hair, bad bad BAD dreams all night, for the third night in a row. Finally at about 6 a.m. I laid back down and had a GOOOOD dream. I still have a headache, but I'm not hot any more. And we had insane crazy mad sex, finally. So I am much happier all over.

Going to mom's for dinner tonight - she's going to fix steaks. And fry squash, which has made Brent willing to go. I thought I was going to have to bring Scarlett home with me, but her father FINALLY called last night. And she confessed to him that she didn't want to go to his house. I talked to her, though, and I think I convinced her to stand up for herself while she's there, and go ahead. They're going to the Ribfest, which she LOVES, and I told her it might be her only chance to go. She's really GOT to learn to speak up, despite the fact that it creates tension. I hate it too, so I understand exactly how she feels, but I've had to learn to do it anyway in order to get by in life. The sooner she learns the better.

She isn't enjoying her summer reading assignment. It seemed to be a bit boring to me, too, but I'm not going to tell her that. I hope all of their reading choices at this school aren't as dry.

EDIT: Oh yeah. I want this book.

Okay, I think I'm done. For now anyway.

I'm sitting here eating Parsnip Chips by Terra. I adore them, although I'm not fond of parsnips. I also love their mixed ones, and the spiced sweet potato. Sure, they're deep fried, but there are no transfats. And there's about 900 calories in a bag, but I don't eat them all in one day. Not usually anyway.

Two bridges collapse in two days. It's a scary thing, and so sad.

smiteboy , I hope you and your friend are okay.

I'm having dinner with

skyearthandsea after work today! I love Shoneys, and I can't remember what Thursdays buffet is, but yum anyway. She's going to loan me her second copy of The Deathly Hallows, and I'm SO damned excited! Scarlett is coming home Friday evening for the weekend, so maybe I'll read it out loud. She's been assigned a book to read during the summer for discussion (and testing I bet) during English class this fall. It's called The Wanderer. She hasn't read it yet, and she's lost the copy I bought her, so she's checking it out from the library. I'm going to have to read it in order to help her remember crucial parts, etc. Although she reads quickly, and frequently, I've found that she doesn't retain the information and seems to skip a lot. She reads the Harry Potter books over and over, but still doesn't recall major scenes. So I'm thinking if I can read it too, and encourage her to read it more than once, she might have a chance and improve her retention.

Brent told me he loved me last night. Yes, he was drunk. No, he didn't mean it "that way". I appreciate his efforts to allow himself to feel again, because he's opened up to me so much that I find it frustrating to hear him continue to say things like "I'll never marry," and "I've closed off my heart." I try so hard to be patient, but I don't think he realizes what an effort it takes. He did not shut the door on the possibility of coming to love me more and in a different fashion. I have trouble differentiating his gratitude from his affection. He believes that because I think his kindness is from gratitude that I therefore assume he doesn't care. That's just not true. I've never presumed that he doesn't care for me - I know he does, and has for some time. Sometimes I wish that we could just sit down and discuss all this and work out our differences in thought. But there's no opportunity for that. I have an aversion to hearing "I love you" when he's drunk. And he has an aversion to emotional discussion when he's sober. I know I need to quit obsessing and just enjoy the time together. And I know that my reasons for being unable to do so are based on past experience. In life I tend to expect no major catastrophes and I tend to approach catastrophes calmly with an attitude that appears to be indifference to the naked eye. I've taught myself to be this way. However, in romance, I'm just the opposite.

I'm feeling much better after only a couple of days back on the Lamictal. In combination with the Cymbalta, it gives me more pep in the mornings, and it lasts most the afternoon. It would last VERY well if I could take a NAP in the afternoon. I'm also drinking less Diet Coke, and managing to have about 8-12 oz of ice water between each caffeinated drink. Anyway, by the end of the work day I'm bushed. That's not so good. It will be especially bad once school starts. I'm going to have to figure out something.

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. with horrible pain in my jaws. It made me feel like my entire body hurt, and I couldn't lay on either side without pain. So I got up and took half a Lortab, sat in the recliner to wait it out without putting pressure on my face, and headed back to bed about 30 minutes later. I slept well the rest of the night, but I'm worried about my usage. I need to count my pills to see how many I've taken since I got them.

I can't get my hair straight without frizz. Damned humidity. I need a haircut, and I want a fucking pedicure. I have a little extra money this payday, I might get a pedi. No haircut for me yet, tho. They are more expensive and time consuming. My hairdresser opened a shop in her home, and it's in the next county. Feh.

My hands are icy cold. I get cold EVERY morning in this office, no matter the temperature outside, and usually end up using my space heater and turning off the air in my office. Most the time when I go out for lunch, I don't even turn on the air conditioner in my car until I've driven a few blocks. But by the time I get back, I'm "glowy" and have to turn on the air in here. It's bizarre. But that's the least bizarre thing my body does. I'm not going to go into it because you all would probably freak out and tell me to go to a doctor. I already know that.

Okay. I think I'm done for now.

I am the princess in the tower.

Sharp pain in my right TMJ all night, don't know where that came from, but my god it was a bitch. Abdominal pain, know where that came from, no less a bitch. Feel like shit, so I decided to stay home today. I have more gas in my car, so I let Brent take it, and he locked me in as he left. I felt so safe and secure. And unable to travel, as I do not have his key to his rental nor do I now have a key to my own home.

Thus I am locked in, like the princess in the tower.

First full surly gurly day, so I'm glad I'm staying home. The first two are usually the worst. I'm going to have to turn on the t.v. or some music, because the idiot upstairs has ONCE AGAIN left his alarm clock on and forgotten to come home. He must be getting LOTS of pootang, because he never seems to sleep here. The only reason I notice is because that damned clock starts going off and no one is there to stop it.

I'm going to do laundry today, and another load of dishes. And I'm going to eat, dammit. Poor Brent took sandwiches for lunch. I didn't cook last night, I wasn't up to it, and I am running out of groceries again. Eating is expensive.

The cats are fighting something fierce. It's weird. Although they are approximately the same size, I know that Suzi, the long haired one, eats less than Mitzi. She will actually step back from a full bowl if she thinks Mitzi might want the food. It's driving Brent nuts because of his sense of justice. Mitzi gets more, and that's how Suzi appears to want it. I don't know if their tussles are over food or house dominance or just exercise. But Mitzi was actually huffing during this last fight. It's no wonder that the vets said Suzi was six months younger than Mitzi. She must not be developing as quickly since she's not eating as much.

Good day so far, despite a mild headache. It's probably from taking too many pills at once. No matter - the little bit of Adderall keeps me on my toes.

Last evening was nice, although we did have a bit of a scuff over something I got in an email. Someone found a group of my nudes posted on Greatest Journal, and pointed it out to me. Of course they trashed me, folks always do, but I've gotten to the point where a peons opinion of me is worth nothing, so I ignore it. However, my knight in shining armour is not so good at the ignoring. Especially when he's had a few. He ranted and stomped and INSISTED that I allow him to answer my critics. I did, and of course they ridiculed him as well. I'm just glad they haven't travelled over here for anything more than a look at my journal and a subsequent look at his. We all know what a mess a troll can make if they get their panties in a bunch. And don't worry Jess, I'm totally cool with you sending that. It's probably hard to believe that I don't care, but I really don't. I don't care what ANYbody else thinks now - I have my admirers, and the one that means the most is the sweetest.

In other news, I was prompted to show Brent the journal I set up for him because he was nosing through mine last night. Instead of being offended as he used to, he sighs and agrees with my more harsh assessments of his faults. Poor thing. I know it bothers him to read those opinions, but he is very secure in the knowledge that I love him - he often mentions it as one of the reasons he's so protective of me. I've considered setting up a friends filter and leaving him off it - which makes me laugh maniacally - but I haven't decided yea or nay.

Ruthie, I put the book in the mail on Monday with Delivery Confirmation tracking, but there's no further information about it yet. I hope you get it this weekend. Brent thinks I should get it published as a chapbook, but I don't know if he's prejudiced, or if he's right that it speaks to human emotion on a widespread level. Most of the pieces were written a couple years ago, so they're kinda hard to find here in my journal. And of course they're polished since they were originally posted. Maybe I could just publish it as an e-book. Maybe I have delusions of grandeur.

I would kinda like to see some of my essay/flash fiction thingys printed. Again, I have NO idea how to go about that. Holly and I need to have several sit-down sessions, maybe in her new house, or at mine. We could discuss it and have a snack and play with the animals. I'd like to see what she's had done to her place - it sounds great.

Scarlett's coming home tomorrow for a day or two. She has been at a music camp this week, but she called me at quarter of nine this morning. She didn't go today, she had a tummy ache. I don't know, it sounds like she just doesn't want to go. She's kinda homesick, and I miss her. I need to make a grocery list, so mom can give me some food. I have very little left to feed Scarlett while she's there, and no grocery money until Monday. Maaaan, I will be wandering around Kroger and Aldi for HOURS Monday evening. I'll probably spend $200-300. My cupboards are THAT bare. Eep! I'll have to get milk. The kid goes through a gallon in less than a week.  Brent says he's gonna take us to Fazolis this weekend - Scarlett's excited. Hell, I am too. mmmmmmmmbreadsticks with loads of garlic butter

I still see the occasional roach when I flip on the light too quickly in the kitchen. Haven't seen it in a couple days, so it's due to make an appearance. I've never seen more than two, and I manage to kill most of them, but I KNOW it means there are loads more wherever they're hiding. I need to find out what to use, and then sprinkle something behind the fridge, and maybe behind the counter, or between the counter and the stove. Sometimes Mitzi crouches and stares for the longest time under the stove. Suzi takes one look and high-tails it outta there. She's such a little coward. ha They're both getting kinda used to Brent now, which softens his opinion of them somewhat. He still says "snakes with fur" on occasion. But he HAS stopped whistling for them. I swear I believe Mitzi rolls her eyes when he does that.

Current Mood: eh, come si, come sa
Current Location: Desk of SUCK
Current Music: voices - I should turn on the radio

Things went very nicely last night. We didn't stay for dinner, only went to her house to pick up some food she had prepared for Brent. We ate some of the meatloaf for dinner, it was of course delicious. Brent's mother is a very sweet woman - outgoing and talkative but not to the point of being overwhelming or annoying; friendly and smiling, and generous. She has a clever sense of humor. I was SO glad to get that over with.

I am so tired. I crashed at about ten last night. I suspect it will be even earlier tonight. I'm suffering through that monthly feeling of anticipation and frustration, so I know I'm ovulating, and I haven't smiled much in the last couple of days. My own sense of humor is shut down right now. I'm going to stay home tonight, and I think Brent is going to go home tonight as well. My kitchen cupboards are almost bare, and my cats are suffering from the lack of attention. I came home this morning to find a bag of hot dog buns scattered all over the living room and dining room, with tiny bites taken out of them like they were ears of corn. Ran the sweeper at seven a.m., probably pissed off every neighbor I have. Don't care.

Mom wants Scarlett to come home Friday and spend at least one night with me. I want to see her, but I really have nothing to feed her. Mom will give us groceries to take home when I go to pick her up. Got to remember not to let mom bring her to me (despite the fact that I only have a half tank of gas). LIfe is weighing kinda heavy on my shoulders. The same is true of Brent - he's got a lot of issues. I feel so bad for him. In fact what I'm feeling is probably in part empathy for his situation. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Current Mood: moody mood
Current Location: Desk of SUCK
Current Music: footsteps in the hallway

Because there was no Monday? Scarlett and I got back from the caverns far too late to come home Sunday night. I was exhausted and knew I couldn't make the drive. So I called in and came back yesterday. Still tired - but came home, showered, fed cats, took Scarlett to Nitro to meet mom - then went to Brent's and crashed. GAWD I missed him. And he was pretty damned miserable without me too.

Work today and a few excuses here and there for my missed time, then off tomorrow. It's gonna be hot tomorow. Blech.

Good things about the trip - yesterday we went to a gem mine and panned a little bit. Not as good a return as Ray & Angie brought back, but we'll hit a better mine next time. Several sapphires and emeralds, although I doubt they're more than cabachon quality. Dad did turn asshole Sunday night but we weathered it and got the hell out. And I survived the drive.

I think the cats peed somewhere other than the box but I don't have time to look for it right now. Maybe tonight. Blech again.

Current Location: HOME! YAY!

So we're here. And likely coming home this evening.

All the little houses up here have names like Tanzy Path and Mountain Laurel. My dad has named his doublewide Boonedoggle. The visit is going extremely well - all is calm, all is bright. Even I am calm, and Scarlett is having a pretty good time.

My sister & brother in law took their son to a gem mine yesterday, and Scarlett and I were much sad because we missed that. I've always wanted to do that, and Scarlett is a rock hound from way back. Ray (the b-in-law) brought Scarlett back a bag to go through, she's found some lovely amethyst, rose quartz, smoky quartz, and quite possibly a sapphire. We're not sure. We will definitely be back so we can go next time. (They're closed today, or we'd be there already.)

We're going to Linville Caverns in about 15-20 minutes. That will be fun, and will get us out of the house. The house where there isn't much tension. I'm actually surprised at how good we feel here. They are relaxed here, but my stepmother has also been taking Oxycontin for quite some time now, and seems much more relaxed in general. I think that's helping immensely.

Poor boy Brent misses me, and I him. I wish he had come, and he said last night he about half wished he had come as well. I believe next time we come, he will gladly ride along. He and Ray can go outside and smoke together, and come back smelling delightfully fragrant, as Ray did just five minutes ago. He smelled like steak on the grill, although Angie assured me it was an herbal remedy. lol Brent has been turning that down lately, but I bet he wouldn't say no to Ray.

So we're off, to see the caverns and then drive home.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Location: Boonedoggle

Scarlett is in bed, and I'm headed that direction. I've been dozing most the evening, and talked with Brent for about 20 mnutes. He found a new apartment, ten blocks from the office. Hopefully he'll save at least $100 a month in gasoline, natural gas bills and rent. He's very excited. He offered to stay for dinner tonight in order to have more of the meatloaf I made yesterday. It was my first in more years than I can count. And it was tehbomb. He was quite enamoured. Of the meatloaf.

I am so afraid that he is rushing this relationship out of a sense that I'm his only option. I know that's a bad thing to think, I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's dropped too many times in my life for me to have faith in this change in him. I'm still scared. I will be for a while, I think.

Am feeling a bit better about the drive tomorrow. I don't like driving on the Turnpike, but I always manage with only minor panic attacks. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same. I completely forgot to pick up Scarlett's medicine this evening. I'm just not fully functioning right now. So perhaps I should go to bed.

I did not sleep well last night. Just before bed, I killed a spider. No, excuse me. A FUCKING HUGE FUCKING SPIDER!!! GAH! It skittered across the hall as I was headed to the bathroom, and even in the dark I could see it was a huge fucking something. I HOPED it was a cricket. But nooooooooooooo. I flipped on the light and OMG!!squeeeed!!!!! I wish (now) that I'd taken a picture before I squashed it with my shoe. But at the time all I could think was "Find a shoe heavy enough that you'll only have to hit it once. PLEASE." I spontaneously shuddered many times last night, and was quite reluctant to lie down or turn out all the lights.

Now, before you get the wrong idea - I hate spiders. Even tiny ones. But I know the difference between a huge fucking one and a tiny one. This is NO EXAGGERATION: the leg span on this spider was at least three full inches, or more. The body was as long and wide as my pinky finger, to the second joint. I could see it's pincers. Brown and stripey. And my skin is still crawling.

Upon killing it I thought "I cannot live here like this. I just can't." But it was already after 12:30 and Brent was already asleep, there was no way he could wake up enough to let me in. I am so mentally fucked by the size of that spider, I can't even begin to express it.

Annnnnyway.......

More long talk with Brent last night. Some argument, but I think I planted the seeds of some spiritual awakening for him. I HOPE they take root rather than just lay there. He is so broken and hurting so much, and not just over this stupid ex girlfriend thing. He has no peace inside, and needs it so desperately, but he's having trouble getting past the vanity and misconception that he will have to give up all he holds dear in order to make God happy. I managed to set off a few little explosions inside his head before he went to bed, with some of my theory about why God made sex so good. It's always nice to leave someone with a pleasant thought before they drift off.

Staff meeting today. I hope I don't fall asleep during.

Current Mood: bleh

SOOOO much to say. I hope I can remember it all.

First of all - GOD BLESS YOU to gymorama for my book, which arrived yesterday afternoon. It is beautiful. I have been waffling between "how incredibly vain of me to think I could write something publish-worthy" and "OMGSQUEEBOOK!" for well over 18 hours. It is much love.

For all of you who danced naked - HURRAY! It worked wonders. Brent is contrite, properly horrified at his behavior, and currently fearful of repeating it. ALL good things. He LOVES the book. He skimmed, and read, and re-read; cried a little, read out loud to me while I cried, read some more, called Jamie and read, then cried again. He's such a mush-pot. There is no wonder that he makes me crazy.

Oh, and by the way? He has NOT been saying that he will "never" love me. That is what I have been HEARING - and this is a common issue between us. We both have a tendency to hear meaning in words, facial expressions and other actions which is implied rather than intended. We work on this constantly. But I am QUITE pleased. When he says he doesn't love me, he means he doesn't love me NOW. And that doesn't mean forever. I can live with the possibility that it will never happen MUCH easier than with the absolute certainty.

My baby birds have left the nest. They were sweet little critters, and were not around very long. As I was locking my front door this morning, I heard a shocked gasp come from the yard, and when I turned - I looked straight into the eyes of a full size doe. She was NOT expecting to see me, and she had actually made the sound I heard. We stared at one another for a moment while I said "OH! I'm so sorry I surprised you. You certainly are beautiful." Then she bounded down over the hill into the brush. She had a black mask over her face from her eyes down - I've never seen a marking like that on a deer before.

I Fucking Hate It when a fast food joint gives me the wrong pop. I ALWAYS order diet, and when I get regular, it makes me ill. Too much sugar! As a result I am trying to remove the skin from my face by pulling my hair. Not working. I wish I could throw up.

Scarlett is at her friend's house - home from her trip. I am SO glad, and can't wait to talk to her. She didn't have any meds this a.m., so she is mentally incapable of having a conversation on the phone. Thus I must wait until I get home to hear all about her trip. You people think I'm exaggerating? I. Am. Not. I'm not shitting you, she cannot get beyond   "Hello? Huh? Uhm.. Library?"

My sleep study has been moved to tonight. I don't know why I'm dreading it so, but my god I am. I just Do.Not.Want. to do this. It was SUCH a pain in the ass last time, and the pain in the ass lasted for several months afterward, while I discussed options with the asshole doctor, got the machine, tried the machine, hated the machine, got sick from the machine, then finally too back the machine. Do. Not. Want. Machine.   Fuckers. Leave me alone.

Okay. That's it. I am sick-to-puking over this damned pop, I NEED NO SUGAR!!!!

Current Mood: blech

Surly gurl arrived yesterday evening, explaining away all my exhaustion pain & health concerns. She's welcome this month, since I've done plenty of things that could affect a bebbeh. Brent will be glad. And that's all I'm gonna say about him right now, because he needs to be severely beaten.

Moving right along, I would like to change the colors of my layout for the next few months BUT!! I want to preserve what I'm currently using, because I love the color combinations. I expect I'll want to return to it at some point. Can someone tell me how to do this? Should I just write it down or something?

'Nita, I read your story. I would like to offer some minor grammatical/spelling comments, but I haven't had time because I had to come to work. I don't know that I'll get time while I'm AT work. I like the story, it sounds very autobiographical (based on what I've read and we've talked about in the past). I want to reiterate, the changes are VERY minor, just the evidence of typing a sentence, then rereading and changing things here and there - sometimes a word gets left behind, etc. The structure is well done and I love the way you just slip into memory once you pick up the camera.

Now. I've got 10 mg of Adderall and the remainders of half a Lortab in my system, so I'm cookin' with gas this morning. Thus, I'm outta here for a few hours. Bye bye bye...

Stress seems to be creating a physical hunger in my body in reaction to emotional and mental issues I'm experiencing.

I craved sugar all weekend and ate ridiculous amounts of the stuff. FAAR more than I would normally choose to eat - normally I am not interested in sugary snacks or foods. I've also been craving fat and orally satisfying foods, such as cheese. I broke down and cried while telling Brent that I didn't even want the cheese ball I was eating, but I felt as if I was trying to take in as much pleasure as possible in a very short period of time - as if I was up against some sort of deadline. I was, I think - the deadline of picking up Scarlett, dealing with daily meals and routines and getting through yet another week with no money and no hope of getting any. Gas prices are eating me alive.

Holding Scarlett in my arms while sitting on the sofa watching television helped a great deal last night. I had trouble going to bed, but no trouble getting up. I had to move to the sofa again last night, my entire left side was sore and tense from lying wrong. I wasn't lying any differently, my bed just doesn't seem to fit me any more.

I ate ten ounces of lettuce and radiccio, and a bell pepper with dressing for lunch. I had to fix myself a bag of popcorn, because after I ate my salad my stomach felt empty and my head felt light. I'm accustomed to having protein at lunch. I'm thinking a pork stir fry at home tonight. Hope Scarlett will eat it. If I get her to help me fix it with stuff she likes, she might be more inclined.

I wanna go home.

Current Mood: intolerant

The REAL update. I got an email from my mom's best friend, and here's the answer I sent her. It sums up my weekend pretty well, I think.

Things here are going pretty well. Floyd dragged mom to Randolph County this past weekend, so Mother's Day was spent at the Marriott Brunch with my Uncle Chuck and Aunt Sharon, and their crew. There were 18 of us, it was very much fun, and of course fancy as only the Marriott can do it. Great food, and greater company. Aunt Sharon's sister Marilyn is a grandma now! Baby Dallas was there with his mommy and daddy. He's cute of course, only two months old so he's a standard-issue baby right now.

Scarlett and I had a picnic at the lake in Nitro with "the fellow" Saturday, it was very nice too. Yummy hot dogs and my yummy chili, which is a lot like my mom's yummy chili. I learned a lot from you two great cooks! Brent loves my cooking, and even brags on it to his mom, who is the "best cook in the world". I wouldn't have much respect for him if he didn't love his mom's cooking best - his devotion to her is really awesome. And the fact that he brags on me to her says a lot about how he feels about me - even when he's too stubborn to say it. Carole and Autumn came to the park for about an hour. Autumn fell while she and Scarlett were walking to the picnic table, and she ended up with a broken wrist. It was a very clean break that didn't need to be set, just put in a cast. She's such a good little girl.

I'm at home today cleaning. My back has been hurting very bad this weekend, I probably did too much - so I snuck half a Lortab from mom and stayed home to nurse it. Now that I've got some pain meds in me, I'm able to get around great and I'm getting laundry and dishes done and Scarlett's crap picked up and just moving around like I'm 30 years old. Boy those were the days.

I am going to try and take a 4 day weekend and head down there this summer. Scarlett has so MUCH planned, I'll have mom pencil in a weekend after she gets out of school. Jeff and I are working things out pretty well, hoepfully I won't have to put her in day care too much this summer. He got his child support payment reduced to just $125 a month, and that will pay for ONE WEEK of summer day care and two gallons of milk. (or one gallon of gas!) I could pinch his fool head off, but I'm not taking it out on him. Aintcha proud of me? You should be. I make Brent hold me while I cry on the weekends, so I don't take it out on much of anybody. He does come in handy for that, even if he won't agree to meet my mom or call me his girlfriend. Love sure is complicated when you get past 40.

Current Mood: drug-induced happy
Current Location: ittybittylivingspace

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