mynewplace | Entries tagged with nightmare of my parents

I haven't had much to say these days. I think even that sentence is a repeat. I received a very sweet card from a very lucky man in the mail yesterday. I now have "I love you" in writing with his signature, so it holds up in court at last.

Busy weekend ahead, and I don't want it. I have almost no money left and payday isn't until next Friday. I mean almost no grocery money, nothing. I feel like a horrible person for having so quickly spent the money all of you gave me, but I did at least reserve it for crucial issues, like our glasses. It was a great help. Christmas is ALWAYS like this - tension and fear during the weeks between pay periods, then frantic attempts to keep the utilities on while providing gifts that will please my loved ones, cooking, working, going to performances, being cold and thus being in pain: there are just TOO MANY issues with this holiday. I don't care much for it any more.

My dad tells other people (not me of course) that I throw my money away and don't spend it wisely. I'm sure that's true, but changing that requires changing certain habits that are quite deeply ingrained. If I have to think about one more single thing to do every day my brain will explode. I don't have time to break habits right now. Truth is, I never do, and that means I'm supposed to make time, and can we say vicious circle everyone? Say it with me: Vicious Circle. Good.

Well, it's back to the file room for more purging. It will probably take me a week to finish this project, during which many other work issues will be ignored and back up on me. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

I forgot - the one thing keeping me sane right now is the sound of The Drifters singing White Christmas in my head. ba-do-beedo

I laughed SO FREAKIN' HARD when I saw this!!!
I love the way his voice gets higher every time he
says "I KEEEL YOU!"

I have a lot to say, but then I forget it, or just get busy or just don't care. The phone call from my dad was stressful, and there will continue to be fallout from that conversation for some time to come. I keep putting off talking to my sister because I know she's busy.

I WISH I could have just a day or two where absolutely nothing is required of me, I don't need sleep, and nothing is so desperate to be done that it's driving me out of my mind. And that includes keeping my boyfriend company. Even pleasantness is pressure sometimes. But I am enjoying our time together these last few days, and also wish there could be more of them this week.

Because there was no Monday? Scarlett and I got back from the caverns far too late to come home Sunday night. I was exhausted and knew I couldn't make the drive. So I called in and came back yesterday. Still tired - but came home, showered, fed cats, took Scarlett to Nitro to meet mom - then went to Brent's and crashed. GAWD I missed him. And he was pretty damned miserable without me too.

Work today and a few excuses here and there for my missed time, then off tomorrow. It's gonna be hot tomorow. Blech.

Good things about the trip - yesterday we went to a gem mine and panned a little bit. Not as good a return as Ray & Angie brought back, but we'll hit a better mine next time. Several sapphires and emeralds, although I doubt they're more than cabachon quality. Dad did turn asshole Sunday night but we weathered it and got the hell out. And I survived the drive.

I think the cats peed somewhere other than the box but I don't have time to look for it right now. Maybe tonight. Blech again.

Current Location: HOME! YAY!

So we're here. And likely coming home this evening.

All the little houses up here have names like Tanzy Path and Mountain Laurel. My dad has named his doublewide Boonedoggle. The visit is going extremely well - all is calm, all is bright. Even I am calm, and Scarlett is having a pretty good time.

My sister & brother in law took their son to a gem mine yesterday, and Scarlett and I were much sad because we missed that. I've always wanted to do that, and Scarlett is a rock hound from way back. Ray (the b-in-law) brought Scarlett back a bag to go through, she's found some lovely amethyst, rose quartz, smoky quartz, and quite possibly a sapphire. We're not sure. We will definitely be back so we can go next time. (They're closed today, or we'd be there already.)

We're going to Linville Caverns in about 15-20 minutes. That will be fun, and will get us out of the house. The house where there isn't much tension. I'm actually surprised at how good we feel here. They are relaxed here, but my stepmother has also been taking Oxycontin for quite some time now, and seems much more relaxed in general. I think that's helping immensely.

Poor boy Brent misses me, and I him. I wish he had come, and he said last night he about half wished he had come as well. I believe next time we come, he will gladly ride along. He and Ray can go outside and smoke together, and come back smelling delightfully fragrant, as Ray did just five minutes ago. He smelled like steak on the grill, although Angie assured me it was an herbal remedy. lol Brent has been turning that down lately, but I bet he wouldn't say no to Ray.

So we're off, to see the caverns and then drive home.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Location: Boonedoggle

See squee-worthy bebehs here: http://anita-margarita.livejournal.com/

I am 98% certain that I am not going to find an apartment that will hold me and my kid without bankrupting me. Thus I did today what might have been a crazy thing. I went to a mobile home dealer and completed a credit application. After I have or have not been approved, we will discuss purchasing a singlewide mobile home. They've found a piece of property for me, but after looking up its location in my city street guide, I'm fairly certain a mobile home will not be tolerated on that property. Thus, we'll have to find a park.

Long range plan is to pay on this a few years, then trade up after credit rating is inexplicably improved. Inexplicably, you say? Yes, for despite my tendency to make payments when they are due on large purchases, I have difficulty maintaining the "little things". I just am not to do da money so good.

I will require assistance from my mother & stepfather to make the downpayment. This assistance may not be available, it's highly possible that they simply won't have it. They may be able to borrow it, but I am not sure how that will go over. Also, they will not want me to buy a mobile home without first talking with my sister, who purchases repo'ed trailers. Thing is, I have to have bank pre-approval before I can purchase anything, and that's not easy to get. My credit union won't even talk about mobile homes, OR pre-fabs. I must go with the bank that the mfr uses or recommends.

This is hugely scary for me. Even having my name out there on an application is more than my credit report can withstand right now. But this rent is also more than my paychecks can withstand. What do I do?

If all things are denied, and I must resume the apartment search - it's VERY likely I will have to find homes for my cats. It's that bad, and I don't have much hope that finding homes for them will be possible.

Current Mood: skeert

How? HOW???

How is it POSSIBLE that a woman who reads the newspaper every day and watches the news at least once a day could possibly MISS an entire two days of media discussion about flooding evacuation in a county not 20 miles from her home?? HOW could she miss emergency news broadcasts, tickers running across the bottom of the t.v. screen for 48 hours, newspaper headlines and a freakin' CNN piece regarding a DAM about to give way JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM HER HOUSE

- when her daughter has worked for freakin' Dam Safety for over eight years???

HOW???? TELL ME!!!!

Current Mood: grrrrrrrr

dammit! The photo insert button is gone!

Oh well. I have much worse things on my mind.

Apparently my parents Baptist pastor has gone on the offensive regarding The DaVinci Code, passing out books that tell all the ways that it's wrong and sinful. My daughter told me this morning that her grandfather (my stepdad) had a 'talk' with her this week. Told her that believing Jesus was married meant she believed He wasn't holy. (and I'm hearing in my head "Because after all, sex is a dirty sin!") I asked her if he told her that I was going to hell, and she said no. But she then proceeded to tell me that he DID tell her that she would be 'left behind' during the rapture, and have to stay here with all those people who didn't believe, instead of going to heaven.

I explained to her that she and I still believed that Jesus was the Son of God, that He died for our sins, and rose again three days later, and ascended into Heaven. And that because we believed that, Jesus said we were going to Heaven. That believing Jesus was married didn't make Him a sinner, because sex isn't sinful. After all, God created sex, not just for reproduction, but to provide bonding between a man and a woman, and to provide a hint of what His Love for us was like.

I'm not sure how much of it got through. But I'll bring it up again this weekend, probably more than once.

The thing that gripes my ass most about this is it means I'm going to have to sit both my parents down and have a serious talk with them. They're pulling down my authority, and putting their own in it's place. And i won't stand for it, dammit. I WON'T! They're destroying her peace of mind, much as my own was destroyed by movies like A Thief In The Night and a couple others I saw as a child. Yes, my mother and stepdad made me watch this movie in a darkened church with the rest of our congregation, when I was about eight or nine. I had nightmares into my twenties, so they served their purpose, I guess.

This is a great description of the effect of the movie: http://www.jesus21.com/content/movies/rapture1.html

God. I have a headache.