OMG BEST ICON EVAH!!!! Found the pics, gymorama made it for me. The only thing missing is the way the hair on the little guy looks so silky in the game. That's just not well-represented in the pictures. No fault of gym's. Jenny, feel free to swipe the icon if you like.
In cutest news, you can actually hear the baby panther mewling at the end of this video. More OMG CUTEST EVAH!! However, do not - I repeat DO NOT look at the video about the 67 kittens. Heartbreaking. I wish I had a house so I could have more cats. Along those same lines, I wish Brent and I were a year further into our relationship so we could be living together or married or something, and maybe buy that house at the top of my hill. However, God has worked this out between us and I know His timing is better overall. We can't do any of those sorts of things until we both get on our feet financially, and he pulls himself together emotionally. I long for the day, tho. I need to quit wishing my life away. This will be a precious year with Scarlett.
I think I might be saving some money by purchasing one or two meals worth of food at a time. I keep thinking I need to get 10 for $10 of this or that, but I don't really have the storage room. Brent does, somewhat. Still, I won't be able to do the grocery every day thing when Scarlett starts school. If she doesn't go to daycare after school I WILL have a bit more time to get home, but I don't know. I keep trying to plan our school mornings but I don't even know what her schedule is going to be. Which reminds me I've got to get on that.
And I've got to get a file pulled. And some put away. So I need to get off here. See ya'll later.
In cutest news, you can actually hear the baby panther mewling at the end of this video. More OMG CUTEST EVAH!! However, do not - I repeat DO NOT look at the video about the 67 kittens. Heartbreaking. I wish I had a house so I could have more cats. Along those same lines, I wish Brent and I were a year further into our relationship so we could be living together or married or something, and maybe buy that house at the top of my hill. However, God has worked this out between us and I know His timing is better overall. We can't do any of those sorts of things until we both get on our feet financially, and he pulls himself together emotionally. I long for the day, tho. I need to quit wishing my life away. This will be a precious year with Scarlett.
I think I might be saving some money by purchasing one or two meals worth of food at a time. I keep thinking I need to get 10 for $10 of this or that, but I don't really have the storage room. Brent does, somewhat. Still, I won't be able to do the grocery every day thing when Scarlett starts school. If she doesn't go to daycare after school I WILL have a bit more time to get home, but I don't know. I keep trying to plan our school mornings but I don't even know what her schedule is going to be. Which reminds me I've got to get on that.
And I've got to get a file pulled. And some put away. So I need to get off here. See ya'll later.
'Bout damned time, too. My computer is acting wonky. Somehow I managed to convince it to show me everything BIGGER, and when I type, the letters shift of their own accord. Can't wait to see what this entry looks like. NOT.
I had a bizarre comment on my journal last night: http://sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com/396727.html
Pls to be going away now?
I ROASTED last night. Brent had the air at 69, and I woke in a damp spot on the bed. Sweat under my hair, bad bad BAD dreams all night, for the third night in a row. Finally at about 6 a.m. I laid back down and had a GOOOOD dream. I still have a headache, but I'm not hot any more. And we had insane crazy mad sex, finally. So I am much happier all over.
Going to mom's for dinner tonight - she's going to fix steaks. And fry squash, which has made Brent willing to go. I thought I was going to have to bring Scarlett home with me, but her father FINALLY called last night. And she confessed to him that she didn't want to go to his house. I talked to her, though, and I think I convinced her to stand up for herself while she's there, and go ahead. They're going to the Ribfest, which she LOVES, and I told her it might be her only chance to go. She's really GOT to learn to speak up, despite the fact that it creates tension. I hate it too, so I understand exactly how she feels, but I've had to learn to do it anyway in order to get by in life. The sooner she learns the better.
She isn't enjoying her summer reading assignment. It seemed to be a bit boring to me, too, but I'm not going to tell her that. I hope all of their reading choices at this school aren't as dry.
EDIT: Oh yeah. I want this book.
Okay, I think I'm done. For now anyway.
I had a bizarre comment on my journal last night: http://sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com/396727.html
Pls to be going away now?
I ROASTED last night. Brent had the air at 69, and I woke in a damp spot on the bed. Sweat under my hair, bad bad BAD dreams all night, for the third night in a row. Finally at about 6 a.m. I laid back down and had a GOOOOD dream. I still have a headache, but I'm not hot any more. And we had insane crazy mad sex, finally. So I am much happier all over.
Going to mom's for dinner tonight - she's going to fix steaks. And fry squash, which has made Brent willing to go. I thought I was going to have to bring Scarlett home with me, but her father FINALLY called last night. And she confessed to him that she didn't want to go to his house. I talked to her, though, and I think I convinced her to stand up for herself while she's there, and go ahead. They're going to the Ribfest, which she LOVES, and I told her it might be her only chance to go. She's really GOT to learn to speak up, despite the fact that it creates tension. I hate it too, so I understand exactly how she feels, but I've had to learn to do it anyway in order to get by in life. The sooner she learns the better.
She isn't enjoying her summer reading assignment. It seemed to be a bit boring to me, too, but I'm not going to tell her that. I hope all of their reading choices at this school aren't as dry.
EDIT: Oh yeah. I want this book.
Okay, I think I'm done. For now anyway.
More Wednesday
Aug. 8th, 2007 10:48 amDo you think China is trying to kill or maim our children? What about our pets? Are they just too competitive or what is going through their heads?
Have you all seen the photo on the Yahoo website of the greatbighuge man? I swear I think that's a testicle next to his leg. He's sad. I hurt for him.
Today is supposed to be the hottest day of the summer - at least so far. 100 degrees, with high humidity. Because we ALWAYS have high humidity. Hell, sometimes you can see the water hanging in the air. It's ridiculous. If it didn't cost so damned much, I'd go back to Boone. It was SO cool in the mornings there. We slept with the windows open and a quilt. A QUILT! I know 100 degrees one day is nothing compared to the milk-curdling heat![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tinhuviel is experiencing. She needs to climb into the mountains, before she climbs into a clock tower. I will be feeding the bullets from behind her. Just FYI.
While I was off yesterday, the man who owns the field out back was burning brush. BURNING. In 95 degree heat. The ashes landing on my front porch were as big as maple leaves. It was unreal. I reported him, but turns out burning brush is legal. Just trash is illegal.
Here's what I want to do today:
I want an Alaskan Salmon salad from Captain D's for lunch. That stuff is pretty damned awesome, even though it's chunks of salmon as opposed to a filet. It's mild and quite tasty.
I want to go to the grocery store and get some fish for dinner. And some fresh veggies.
I want to take my car to Exxon and leave it to be computer-scanned tomorrow. My Service Engine Soon light is on, and the manual says that's an emissions problem. It also says if the light BLINKS to pull over and avoid driving the car. Must get it in before the blinkage occurs. I hope I can afford the repairs this payday.
I want to cook dinner at my house tonight. Brent's sink is leaking. He is getting VERY frustrated with his new apartment. This is the second major thing to go wrong and require servicemen to come out. He hates to complain to his landlord, but I'm pushing it. This is ridiculous.
I want to feed my cats, get some clothes for tomorrow and change the litter. I must remember to take some shampoo, etc. with me. He's getting low.
I want to go back to HIS house and unpack some boxes. I'm feeling some drive this morning, I hope it lasts.
Quite a list, eh?
Have you all seen the photo on the Yahoo website of the greatbighuge man? I swear I think that's a testicle next to his leg. He's sad. I hurt for him.
Today is supposed to be the hottest day of the summer - at least so far. 100 degrees, with high humidity. Because we ALWAYS have high humidity. Hell, sometimes you can see the water hanging in the air. It's ridiculous. If it didn't cost so damned much, I'd go back to Boone. It was SO cool in the mornings there. We slept with the windows open and a quilt. A QUILT! I know 100 degrees one day is nothing compared to the milk-curdling heat
tinhuviel is experiencing. She needs to climb into the mountains, before she climbs into a clock tower. I will be feeding the bullets from behind her. Just FYI. While I was off yesterday, the man who owns the field out back was burning brush. BURNING. In 95 degree heat. The ashes landing on my front porch were as big as maple leaves. It was unreal. I reported him, but turns out burning brush is legal. Just trash is illegal.
Here's what I want to do today:
I want an Alaskan Salmon salad from Captain D's for lunch. That stuff is pretty damned awesome, even though it's chunks of salmon as opposed to a filet. It's mild and quite tasty.
I want to go to the grocery store and get some fish for dinner. And some fresh veggies.
I want to take my car to Exxon and leave it to be computer-scanned tomorrow. My Service Engine Soon light is on, and the manual says that's an emissions problem. It also says if the light BLINKS to pull over and avoid driving the car. Must get it in before the blinkage occurs. I hope I can afford the repairs this payday.
I want to cook dinner at my house tonight. Brent's sink is leaking. He is getting VERY frustrated with his new apartment. This is the second major thing to go wrong and require servicemen to come out. He hates to complain to his landlord, but I'm pushing it. This is ridiculous.
I want to feed my cats, get some clothes for tomorrow and change the litter. I must remember to take some shampoo, etc. with me. He's getting low.
I want to go back to HIS house and unpack some boxes. I'm feeling some drive this morning, I hope it lasts.
Quite a list, eh?
I took yesterday off work, because my head hurt and I was nauseous all day Monday. Felt like crap. Still don't feel good.
Stayed with Brent last night instead of going for the sleep study. I don't WANT that damned machine. I don't want yet ANOTHER thing to take care of every morning, and get sinus infections anyway. No. Fuck them.
Oh. And I had bad dreams all night. Can barely remember them. Don't want to really.
I am going to see this http://www.phipps.conservatory.org/chihuly/gallery.html either the weekend before or the weekend after my birthday. Dammit. I am probably going to take Scarlett, as part of her birthday as well. I asked Brent to take me, but he probably can't afford it. I understand that, and it's cool. It's probably something Scarlett & I should do together anyway.
I'm coughing my head off this morning. I hate cigarettes.
Stayed with Brent last night instead of going for the sleep study. I don't WANT that damned machine. I don't want yet ANOTHER thing to take care of every morning, and get sinus infections anyway. No. Fuck them.
Oh. And I had bad dreams all night. Can barely remember them. Don't want to really.
I am going to see this http://www.phipps.conservatory.org/chihuly/gallery.html either the weekend before or the weekend after my birthday. Dammit. I am probably going to take Scarlett, as part of her birthday as well. I asked Brent to take me, but he probably can't afford it. I understand that, and it's cool. It's probably something Scarlett & I should do together anyway.
I'm coughing my head off this morning. I hate cigarettes.
I'm sitting here eating Parsnip Chips by Terra. I adore them, although I'm not fond of parsnips. I also love their mixed ones, and the spiced sweet potato. Sure, they're deep fried, but there are no transfats. And there's about 900 calories in a bag, but I don't eat them all in one day. Not usually anyway.
Two bridges collapse in two days. It's a scary thing, and so sad.smiteboy , I hope you and your friend are okay.
I'm having dinner withskyearthandsea after work today! I love Shoneys, and I can't remember what Thursdays buffet is, but yum anyway. She's going to loan me her second copy of The Deathly Hallows, and I'm SO damned excited! Scarlett is coming home Friday evening for the weekend, so maybe I'll read it out loud. She's been assigned a book to read during the summer for discussion (and testing I bet) during English class this fall. It's called The Wanderer. She hasn't read it yet, and she's lost the copy I bought her, so she's checking it out from the library. I'm going to have to read it in order to help her remember crucial parts, etc. Although she reads quickly, and frequently, I've found that she doesn't retain the information and seems to skip a lot. She reads the Harry Potter books over and over, but still doesn't recall major scenes. So I'm thinking if I can read it too, and encourage her to read it more than once, she might have a chance and improve her retention.
Brent told me he loved me last night. Yes, he was drunk. No, he didn't mean it "that way". I appreciate his efforts to allow himself to feel again, because he's opened up to me so much that I find it frustrating to hear him continue to say things like "I'll never marry," and "I've closed off my heart." I try so hard to be patient, but I don't think he realizes what an effort it takes. He did not shut the door on the possibility of coming to love me more and in a different fashion. I have trouble differentiating his gratitude from his affection. He believes that because I think his kindness is from gratitude that I therefore assume he doesn't care. That's just not true. I've never presumed that he doesn't care for me - I know he does, and has for some time. Sometimes I wish that we could just sit down and discuss all this and work out our differences in thought. But there's no opportunity for that. I have an aversion to hearing "I love you" when he's drunk. And he has an aversion to emotional discussion when he's sober. I know I need to quit obsessing and just enjoy the time together. And I know that my reasons for being unable to do so are based on past experience. In life I tend to expect no major catastrophes and I tend to approach catastrophes calmly with an attitude that appears to be indifference to the naked eye. I've taught myself to be this way. However, in romance, I'm just the opposite.
I'm feeling much better after only a couple of days back on the Lamictal. In combination with the Cymbalta, it gives me more pep in the mornings, and it lasts most the afternoon. It would last VERY well if I could take a NAP in the afternoon. I'm also drinking less Diet Coke, and managing to have about 8-12 oz of ice water between each caffeinated drink. Anyway, by the end of the work day I'm bushed. That's not so good. It will be especially bad once school starts. I'm going to have to figure out something.
Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. with horrible pain in my jaws. It made me feel like my entire body hurt, and I couldn't lay on either side without pain. So I got up and took half a Lortab, sat in the recliner to wait it out without putting pressure on my face, and headed back to bed about 30 minutes later. I slept well the rest of the night, but I'm worried about my usage. I need to count my pills to see how many I've taken since I got them.
I can't get my hair straight without frizz. Damned humidity. I need a haircut, and I want a fucking pedicure. I have a little extra money this payday, I might get a pedi. No haircut for me yet, tho. They are more expensive and time consuming. My hairdresser opened a shop in her home, and it's in the next county. Feh.
My hands are icy cold. I get cold EVERY morning in this office, no matter the temperature outside, and usually end up using my space heater and turning off the air in my office. Most the time when I go out for lunch, I don't even turn on the air conditioner in my car until I've driven a few blocks. But by the time I get back, I'm "glowy" and have to turn on the air in here. It's bizarre. But that's the least bizarre thing my body does. I'm not going to go into it because you all would probably freak out and tell me to go to a doctor. I already know that.
Okay. I think I'm done for now.
Two bridges collapse in two days. It's a scary thing, and so sad.
smiteboy , I hope you and your friend are okay. I'm having dinner with
skyearthandsea after work today! I love Shoneys, and I can't remember what Thursdays buffet is, but yum anyway. She's going to loan me her second copy of The Deathly Hallows, and I'm SO damned excited! Scarlett is coming home Friday evening for the weekend, so maybe I'll read it out loud. She's been assigned a book to read during the summer for discussion (and testing I bet) during English class this fall. It's called The Wanderer. She hasn't read it yet, and she's lost the copy I bought her, so she's checking it out from the library. I'm going to have to read it in order to help her remember crucial parts, etc. Although she reads quickly, and frequently, I've found that she doesn't retain the information and seems to skip a lot. She reads the Harry Potter books over and over, but still doesn't recall major scenes. So I'm thinking if I can read it too, and encourage her to read it more than once, she might have a chance and improve her retention. Brent told me he loved me last night. Yes, he was drunk. No, he didn't mean it "that way". I appreciate his efforts to allow himself to feel again, because he's opened up to me so much that I find it frustrating to hear him continue to say things like "I'll never marry," and "I've closed off my heart." I try so hard to be patient, but I don't think he realizes what an effort it takes. He did not shut the door on the possibility of coming to love me more and in a different fashion. I have trouble differentiating his gratitude from his affection. He believes that because I think his kindness is from gratitude that I therefore assume he doesn't care. That's just not true. I've never presumed that he doesn't care for me - I know he does, and has for some time. Sometimes I wish that we could just sit down and discuss all this and work out our differences in thought. But there's no opportunity for that. I have an aversion to hearing "I love you" when he's drunk. And he has an aversion to emotional discussion when he's sober. I know I need to quit obsessing and just enjoy the time together. And I know that my reasons for being unable to do so are based on past experience. In life I tend to expect no major catastrophes and I tend to approach catastrophes calmly with an attitude that appears to be indifference to the naked eye. I've taught myself to be this way. However, in romance, I'm just the opposite.
I'm feeling much better after only a couple of days back on the Lamictal. In combination with the Cymbalta, it gives me more pep in the mornings, and it lasts most the afternoon. It would last VERY well if I could take a NAP in the afternoon. I'm also drinking less Diet Coke, and managing to have about 8-12 oz of ice water between each caffeinated drink. Anyway, by the end of the work day I'm bushed. That's not so good. It will be especially bad once school starts. I'm going to have to figure out something.
Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. with horrible pain in my jaws. It made me feel like my entire body hurt, and I couldn't lay on either side without pain. So I got up and took half a Lortab, sat in the recliner to wait it out without putting pressure on my face, and headed back to bed about 30 minutes later. I slept well the rest of the night, but I'm worried about my usage. I need to count my pills to see how many I've taken since I got them.
I can't get my hair straight without frizz. Damned humidity. I need a haircut, and I want a fucking pedicure. I have a little extra money this payday, I might get a pedi. No haircut for me yet, tho. They are more expensive and time consuming. My hairdresser opened a shop in her home, and it's in the next county. Feh.
My hands are icy cold. I get cold EVERY morning in this office, no matter the temperature outside, and usually end up using my space heater and turning off the air in my office. Most the time when I go out for lunch, I don't even turn on the air conditioner in my car until I've driven a few blocks. But by the time I get back, I'm "glowy" and have to turn on the air in here. It's bizarre. But that's the least bizarre thing my body does. I'm not going to go into it because you all would probably freak out and tell me to go to a doctor. I already know that.
Okay. I think I'm done for now.
I am the princess in the tower.
Sharp pain in my right TMJ all night, don't know where that came from, but my god it was a bitch. Abdominal pain, know where that came from, no less a bitch. Feel like shit, so I decided to stay home today. I have more gas in my car, so I let Brent take it, and he locked me in as he left. I felt so safe and secure. And unable to travel, as I do not have his key to his rental nor do I now have a key to my own home.
Thus I am locked in, like the princess in the tower.
First full surly gurly day, so I'm glad I'm staying home. The first two are usually the worst. I'm going to have to turn on the t.v. or some music, because the idiot upstairs has ONCE AGAIN left his alarm clock on and forgotten to come home. He must be getting LOTS of pootang, because he never seems to sleep here. The only reason I notice is because that damned clock starts going off and no one is there to stop it.
I'm going to do laundry today, and another load of dishes. And I'm going to eat, dammit. Poor Brent took sandwiches for lunch. I didn't cook last night, I wasn't up to it, and I am running out of groceries again. Eating is expensive.
The cats are fighting something fierce. It's weird. Although they are approximately the same size, I know that Suzi, the long haired one, eats less than Mitzi. She will actually step back from a full bowl if she thinks Mitzi might want the food. It's driving Brent nuts because of his sense of justice. Mitzi gets more, and that's how Suzi appears to want it. I don't know if their tussles are over food or house dominance or just exercise. But Mitzi was actually huffing during this last fight. It's no wonder that the vets said Suzi was six months younger than Mitzi. She must not be developing as quickly since she's not eating as much.
Sharp pain in my right TMJ all night, don't know where that came from, but my god it was a bitch. Abdominal pain, know where that came from, no less a bitch. Feel like shit, so I decided to stay home today. I have more gas in my car, so I let Brent take it, and he locked me in as he left. I felt so safe and secure. And unable to travel, as I do not have his key to his rental nor do I now have a key to my own home.
Thus I am locked in, like the princess in the tower.
First full surly gurly day, so I'm glad I'm staying home. The first two are usually the worst. I'm going to have to turn on the t.v. or some music, because the idiot upstairs has ONCE AGAIN left his alarm clock on and forgotten to come home. He must be getting LOTS of pootang, because he never seems to sleep here. The only reason I notice is because that damned clock starts going off and no one is there to stop it.
I'm going to do laundry today, and another load of dishes. And I'm going to eat, dammit. Poor Brent took sandwiches for lunch. I didn't cook last night, I wasn't up to it, and I am running out of groceries again. Eating is expensive.
The cats are fighting something fierce. It's weird. Although they are approximately the same size, I know that Suzi, the long haired one, eats less than Mitzi. She will actually step back from a full bowl if she thinks Mitzi might want the food. It's driving Brent nuts because of his sense of justice. Mitzi gets more, and that's how Suzi appears to want it. I don't know if their tussles are over food or house dominance or just exercise. But Mitzi was actually huffing during this last fight. It's no wonder that the vets said Suzi was six months younger than Mitzi. She must not be developing as quickly since she's not eating as much.
Generosity
Jul. 20th, 2007 02:07 pmIsn't generosity a wonderful personality trait? Do you have it? Or do you don't?
I've decided that generosity is a learned behavior that can be acquired if you choose to do so. Children who experience generosity, mercy and forgiveness from their parents are often generous even at an early age. But to learn the trait requires a forgiving heart and a willingness to perform random acts where there is no return and often no gratitude.
Why must you have those things? Why can't you just be generous to those whom you love, or who are generous to you?
Because that's not generosity; that's love in the first case, and retribution in the second.
I have an uncle who was hurt many years ago when his first son was born with brain damage that has caused him to be severely handicapped. He had two children after that who are quite wonderful. But because of that first hurt and subsequent hurts in his life, he is not capable of forgiveness. His lack of forgiveness has driven a wedge between him and his only daughter which breaks her heart to this day. Forgiveness is an awesome aspect of generosity for it requires you to be generous with your patience and kindness instead of with material objects or affection.
The best way I've found to become generous is to practice patience (which does indeed require practice) give people a wide berth and benefit of doubt in traffic, and consider very carefully what I allow to make me angry. Is it going to matter in ten minutes, ten months or ten years? Probably not. This was hard at first, but learning to do the traffic thing allowed me to learn most of the other things more easily. And talk about calmness! I have become so much more calm since I learned to let people in front of me. You know - most people in your daily life who piss you off are barely aware that you exist. Even if you are quite aware of the people around you, you don't know their mental or emotional state. It's often impossible to know how your actions affect strangers. And when you remember that you're a stranger to most people you encounter, it kinda puts perspective on their inconsiderate actions.
Brent often comments on my generosity to him. What he doesn't seem to realize is I'm generous to most everyone, and that's why it's been so easy to be generous to him even during those months when he was an asswipe to me. He is now quite generous to me as well. it's endearing but I've noticed sometimes it wanes, and that has made me wonder about why. This is where the theory has developed about the requirement of a forgiving heart and random acts. He really needs to calm down and stop taking everything that happens to him as a personal affront. But you can't really TELL someone to do that - it's a decision they must make for themselves and work on inside their own mind.
Isn't my journal the weirdest mix of random nonsense, philosophy, sex and whining?
I've decided that generosity is a learned behavior that can be acquired if you choose to do so. Children who experience generosity, mercy and forgiveness from their parents are often generous even at an early age. But to learn the trait requires a forgiving heart and a willingness to perform random acts where there is no return and often no gratitude.
Why must you have those things? Why can't you just be generous to those whom you love, or who are generous to you?
Because that's not generosity; that's love in the first case, and retribution in the second.
I have an uncle who was hurt many years ago when his first son was born with brain damage that has caused him to be severely handicapped. He had two children after that who are quite wonderful. But because of that first hurt and subsequent hurts in his life, he is not capable of forgiveness. His lack of forgiveness has driven a wedge between him and his only daughter which breaks her heart to this day. Forgiveness is an awesome aspect of generosity for it requires you to be generous with your patience and kindness instead of with material objects or affection.
The best way I've found to become generous is to practice patience (which does indeed require practice) give people a wide berth and benefit of doubt in traffic, and consider very carefully what I allow to make me angry. Is it going to matter in ten minutes, ten months or ten years? Probably not. This was hard at first, but learning to do the traffic thing allowed me to learn most of the other things more easily. And talk about calmness! I have become so much more calm since I learned to let people in front of me. You know - most people in your daily life who piss you off are barely aware that you exist. Even if you are quite aware of the people around you, you don't know their mental or emotional state. It's often impossible to know how your actions affect strangers. And when you remember that you're a stranger to most people you encounter, it kinda puts perspective on their inconsiderate actions.
Brent often comments on my generosity to him. What he doesn't seem to realize is I'm generous to most everyone, and that's why it's been so easy to be generous to him even during those months when he was an asswipe to me. He is now quite generous to me as well. it's endearing but I've noticed sometimes it wanes, and that has made me wonder about why. This is where the theory has developed about the requirement of a forgiving heart and random acts. He really needs to calm down and stop taking everything that happens to him as a personal affront. But you can't really TELL someone to do that - it's a decision they must make for themselves and work on inside their own mind.
Isn't my journal the weirdest mix of random nonsense, philosophy, sex and whining?
Good day so far, despite a mild headache. It's probably from taking too many pills at once. No matter - the little bit of Adderall keeps me on my toes.
Last evening was nice, although we did have a bit of a scuff over something I got in an email. Someone found a group of my nudes posted on Greatest Journal, and pointed it out to me. Of course they trashed me, folks always do, but I've gotten to the point where a peons opinion of me is worth nothing, so I ignore it. However, my knight in shining armour is not so good at the ignoring. Especially when he's had a few. He ranted and stomped and INSISTED that I allow him to answer my critics. I did, and of course they ridiculed him as well. I'm just glad they haven't travelled over here for anything more than a look at my journal and a subsequent look at his. We all know what a mess a troll can make if they get their panties in a bunch. And don't worry Jess, I'm totally cool with you sending that. It's probably hard to believe that I don't care, but I really don't. I don't care what ANYbody else thinks now - I have my admirers, and the one that means the most is the sweetest.
In other news, I was prompted to show Brent the journal I set up for him because he was nosing through mine last night. Instead of being offended as he used to, he sighs and agrees with my more harsh assessments of his faults. Poor thing. I know it bothers him to read those opinions, but he is very secure in the knowledge that I love him - he often mentions it as one of the reasons he's so protective of me. I've considered setting up a friends filter and leaving him off it - which makes me laugh maniacally - but I haven't decided yea or nay.
Ruthie, I put the book in the mail on Monday with Delivery Confirmation tracking, but there's no further information about it yet. I hope you get it this weekend. Brent thinks I should get it published as a chapbook, but I don't know if he's prejudiced, or if he's right that it speaks to human emotion on a widespread level. Most of the pieces were written a couple years ago, so they're kinda hard to find here in my journal. And of course they're polished since they were originally posted. Maybe I could just publish it as an e-book. Maybe I have delusions of grandeur.
I would kinda like to see some of my essay/flash fiction thingys printed. Again, I have NO idea how to go about that. Holly and I need to have several sit-down sessions, maybe in her new house, or at mine. We could discuss it and have a snack and play with the animals. I'd like to see what she's had done to her place - it sounds great.
Scarlett's coming home tomorrow for a day or two. She has been at a music camp this week, but she called me at quarter of nine this morning. She didn't go today, she had a tummy ache. I don't know, it sounds like she just doesn't want to go. She's kinda homesick, and I miss her. I need to make a grocery list, so mom can give me some food. I have very little left to feed Scarlett while she's there, and no grocery money until Monday. Maaaan, I will be wandering around Kroger and Aldi for HOURS Monday evening. I'll probably spend $200-300. My cupboards are THAT bare. Eep! I'll have to get milk. The kid goes through a gallon in less than a week. Brent says he's gonna take us to Fazolis this weekend - Scarlett's excited. Hell, I am too. mmmmmmmmbreadsticks with loads of garlic butter
I still see the occasional roach when I flip on the light too quickly in the kitchen. Haven't seen it in a couple days, so it's due to make an appearance. I've never seen more than two, and I manage to kill most of them, but I KNOW it means there are loads more wherever they're hiding. I need to find out what to use, and then sprinkle something behind the fridge, and maybe behind the counter, or between the counter and the stove. Sometimes Mitzi crouches and stares for the longest time under the stove. Suzi takes one look and high-tails it outta there. She's such a little coward. ha They're both getting kinda used to Brent now, which softens his opinion of them somewhat. He still says "snakes with fur" on occasion. But he HAS stopped whistling for them. I swear I believe Mitzi rolls her eyes when he does that.
Several of you have been friended tonight by the_drumgod
Many of you will recognize my nickname for my favorite guy in the whole world.
For those of you who DON'T
That's Brent.
If you want to add him back, that's cool. If you don't, that's cool too.
And if he hasn't added you, it's because he hates computers and gave up.
Add him if you want. He's looking for new friends.
the_drumgodMany of you will recognize my nickname for my favorite guy in the whole world.
For those of you who DON'T
That's Brent.
If you want to add him back, that's cool. If you don't, that's cool too.
And if he hasn't added you, it's because he hates computers and gave up.
Add him if you want. He's looking for new friends.
Wednesday morning
Jul. 11th, 2007 09:10 amThings went very nicely last night. We didn't stay for dinner, only went to her house to pick up some food she had prepared for Brent. We ate some of the meatloaf for dinner, it was of course delicious. Brent's mother is a very sweet woman - outgoing and talkative but not to the point of being overwhelming or annoying; friendly and smiling, and generous. She has a clever sense of humor. I was SO glad to get that over with.
I am so tired. I crashed at about ten last night. I suspect it will be even earlier tonight. I'm suffering through that monthly feeling of anticipation and frustration, so I know I'm ovulating, and I haven't smiled much in the last couple of days. My own sense of humor is shut down right now. I'm going to stay home tonight, and I think Brent is going to go home tonight as well. My kitchen cupboards are almost bare, and my cats are suffering from the lack of attention. I came home this morning to find a bag of hot dog buns scattered all over the living room and dining room, with tiny bites taken out of them like they were ears of corn. Ran the sweeper at seven a.m., probably pissed off every neighbor I have. Don't care.
Mom wants Scarlett to come home Friday and spend at least one night with me. I want to see her, but I really have nothing to feed her. Mom will give us groceries to take home when I go to pick her up. Got to remember not to let mom bring her to me (despite the fact that I only have a half tank of gas). LIfe is weighing kinda heavy on my shoulders. The same is true of Brent - he's got a lot of issues. I feel so bad for him. In fact what I'm feeling is probably in part empathy for his situation. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
I am so tired. I crashed at about ten last night. I suspect it will be even earlier tonight. I'm suffering through that monthly feeling of anticipation and frustration, so I know I'm ovulating, and I haven't smiled much in the last couple of days. My own sense of humor is shut down right now. I'm going to stay home tonight, and I think Brent is going to go home tonight as well. My kitchen cupboards are almost bare, and my cats are suffering from the lack of attention. I came home this morning to find a bag of hot dog buns scattered all over the living room and dining room, with tiny bites taken out of them like they were ears of corn. Ran the sweeper at seven a.m., probably pissed off every neighbor I have. Don't care.
Mom wants Scarlett to come home Friday and spend at least one night with me. I want to see her, but I really have nothing to feed her. Mom will give us groceries to take home when I go to pick her up. Got to remember not to let mom bring her to me (despite the fact that I only have a half tank of gas). LIfe is weighing kinda heavy on my shoulders. The same is true of Brent - he's got a lot of issues. I feel so bad for him. In fact what I'm feeling is probably in part empathy for his situation. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Such randomness on El Jay today.
OverheardNYC and anal virginity.
Media blackouts pending the final Harry Potter book - which sounds like a GREAT idea by the way.
Oh, and DAAAAAAMN! Mercury just LEFT retrograde. Has been retrograde since June 15. That fucks with me, because normally a Mercury retrograde affects my life in a very negative fashion. But my love life has been going extremely well since about mid-June. I am now creeping furtively from room to room and officially keeping my head down. Brent's financial life has been improving since that time, as well. I HOPE that continues. I'd better find me some green candles this evening. Maybe it's time for a burning.
I Forgot - a clever song on video - if you'd like to see it drop me an email.
A friend had secks with burnt legs this weekend, which sounds really ow.
I had something sexual I haven't had in a long time, and am adverse to even mentioning it by name here.
I have no fucking idea why,
I just am.
*shrug*
I love Princes Wills & Harry. In a sorta weird scary way.
I love to watch documentaries about JFK. Especially ones about his family's curse, and about his assassination.
I love to watch History Channel and National Geographic specials about Biblical history and archeology.
I could not be trusted to be alone in a room with Cesar Millan.
I am becoming a better cook than I have ever been. One of the primary reasons is I now have someone who LOVES my cooking and allows me to experiment. He actually corrected me when I said he "liked my cooking." "No. LOVE. El Oh Vee Ee. LOVE your cooking."
Oh, and another thing I forgot. Remember THIS? No, you probably don't. I can't believe it happened over two years ago. The date from hell part is what you want to see - because I think the guy is working here now. I keep seeing this itty bitty man with black spiky hair and an immaculate appearance in the hallways. Something doesn't sit right, and at first I thought it was just because he looked smarmy. Now I think it's because he looks like the guy from the Date from Hell. He could be, I have no idea. The guy gave me two names, and I don't remember either of them. Wonder - if I learn the name he's using here, will it ring a bell? Hmmmmmmmmmmm..........................
OverheardNYC and anal virginity.
Media blackouts pending the final Harry Potter book - which sounds like a GREAT idea by the way.
Oh, and DAAAAAAMN! Mercury just LEFT retrograde. Has been retrograde since June 15. That fucks with me, because normally a Mercury retrograde affects my life in a very negative fashion. But my love life has been going extremely well since about mid-June. I am now creeping furtively from room to room and officially keeping my head down. Brent's financial life has been improving since that time, as well. I HOPE that continues. I'd better find me some green candles this evening. Maybe it's time for a burning.
I Forgot - a clever song on video - if you'd like to see it drop me an email.
A friend had secks with burnt legs this weekend, which sounds really ow.
I had something sexual I haven't had in a long time, and am adverse to even mentioning it by name here.
I have no fucking idea why,
I just am.
*shrug*
I love Princes Wills & Harry. In a sorta weird scary way.
I love to watch documentaries about JFK. Especially ones about his family's curse, and about his assassination.
I love to watch History Channel and National Geographic specials about Biblical history and archeology.
I could not be trusted to be alone in a room with Cesar Millan.
I am becoming a better cook than I have ever been. One of the primary reasons is I now have someone who LOVES my cooking and allows me to experiment. He actually corrected me when I said he "liked my cooking." "No. LOVE. El Oh Vee Ee. LOVE your cooking."
Oh, and another thing I forgot. Remember THIS? No, you probably don't. I can't believe it happened over two years ago. The date from hell part is what you want to see - because I think the guy is working here now. I keep seeing this itty bitty man with black spiky hair and an immaculate appearance in the hallways. Something doesn't sit right, and at first I thought it was just because he looked smarmy. Now I think it's because he looks like the guy from the Date from Hell. He could be, I have no idea. The guy gave me two names, and I don't remember either of them. Wonder - if I learn the name he's using here, will it ring a bell? Hmmmmmmmmmmm..........................
Friday night
Jun. 29th, 2007 10:40 pmScarlett is in bed, and I'm headed that direction. I've been dozing most the evening, and talked with Brent for about 20 mnutes. He found a new apartment, ten blocks from the office. Hopefully he'll save at least $100 a month in gasoline, natural gas bills and rent. He's very excited. He offered to stay for dinner tonight in order to have more of the meatloaf I made yesterday. It was my first in more years than I can count. And it was tehbomb. He was quite enamoured. Of the meatloaf.
I am so afraid that he is rushing this relationship out of a sense that I'm his only option. I know that's a bad thing to think, I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's dropped too many times in my life for me to have faith in this change in him. I'm still scared. I will be for a while, I think.
Am feeling a bit better about the drive tomorrow. I don't like driving on the Turnpike, but I always manage with only minor panic attacks. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same. I completely forgot to pick up Scarlett's medicine this evening. I'm just not fully functioning right now. So perhaps I should go to bed.
I am so afraid that he is rushing this relationship out of a sense that I'm his only option. I know that's a bad thing to think, I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's dropped too many times in my life for me to have faith in this change in him. I'm still scared. I will be for a while, I think.
Am feeling a bit better about the drive tomorrow. I don't like driving on the Turnpike, but I always manage with only minor panic attacks. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same. I completely forgot to pick up Scarlett's medicine this evening. I'm just not fully functioning right now. So perhaps I should go to bed.
Was going to do a meme from Leigh, but I just did it on June 2. I guess any fact you come up with off the top of your head qualifies as random, but my head isn't working properly today.
I feel like shit. It's surly gurly full day one, and I'm nauseated, lethargic, and pissy. I think the trip this evening is a contributing factor as well. Several people have suggested perhaps I shouldn't go, since I had a minor meltdown over it with Brent yesterday evening, and turns out Scarlett had one before bedtime last night as well. Judging from the things he said yesterday while we discussed my issues with my father, Brent would likely tear daddy's head off if he experienced a day or two with them. It's nice to think someone would be so aggressively defensive on my behalf; I've never really known anyone who was willing to stand up for me before. And believe me, I've felt the lack of that in my life.
I never really thought about it, but if I continue to feel this way all afternoon I might not be able to MAKE the drive this weekend. My muscles are starting to feel weak. Wonder how much of this is mental, and how much is physical. I really feel as if I could throw up. I bet that's stress. Although, I do feel that way on occasion with my period as well. Damn. They're going to be SO disappointed. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I might not be able to go.
I think I'll try and find a couple of days to take off, and go then.
I feel like shit. It's surly gurly full day one, and I'm nauseated, lethargic, and pissy. I think the trip this evening is a contributing factor as well. Several people have suggested perhaps I shouldn't go, since I had a minor meltdown over it with Brent yesterday evening, and turns out Scarlett had one before bedtime last night as well. Judging from the things he said yesterday while we discussed my issues with my father, Brent would likely tear daddy's head off if he experienced a day or two with them. It's nice to think someone would be so aggressively defensive on my behalf; I've never really known anyone who was willing to stand up for me before. And believe me, I've felt the lack of that in my life.
I never really thought about it, but if I continue to feel this way all afternoon I might not be able to MAKE the drive this weekend. My muscles are starting to feel weak. Wonder how much of this is mental, and how much is physical. I really feel as if I could throw up. I bet that's stress. Although, I do feel that way on occasion with my period as well. Damn. They're going to be SO disappointed. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I might not be able to go.
I think I'll try and find a couple of days to take off, and go then.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
GOOOOOOD weekend. Yummy dinner, yummy attention, delightful conversation involving "moved beyond her" and "missed you SO much" and "give me time". VERY happy sighing today.
In other news, found more green plastic in the litter box. Also found a full-sized complaint lodged directly OUTSIDE the litter box. I mean big-ol' pile o'shit. But the box is cleaned, the floor is Cloroxed, and the box is repositioned so the poopoo smell won't tempt a kitty to repeat THAT cute trick.
Found the ex girlfriend's MySpace, as well as the ex-girlfriend's current live-in "Mr. Wonderful" (NOT!) & am not impressed. Am quite relieved to find she looks more like me than I ever thought. Build-wise more than face wise, although there are similarities. Am also vain enough to be relieved that I'm prettier. In my own humble opinion anyway.
Have taken four half-Lortabs in the last three days. None needed yet today. Must get my own prescription filled to see how well they're going to work at the strength my Doc prescribed. Am still getting up at 5:30-ish, and waking too often in the night. However, slept much better with my back against Brent's. Also need to call my psych and ask if what I'm taking could raise my blood pressure. (TO 150/104 OMG!!) We're going to look at another apartment tonight after work. IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD! HUZZAH!
And that's all for now.
GOOOOOOD weekend. Yummy dinner, yummy attention, delightful conversation involving "moved beyond her" and "missed you SO much" and "give me time". VERY happy sighing today.
In other news, found more green plastic in the litter box. Also found a full-sized complaint lodged directly OUTSIDE the litter box. I mean big-ol' pile o'shit. But the box is cleaned, the floor is Cloroxed, and the box is repositioned so the poopoo smell won't tempt a kitty to repeat THAT cute trick.
Found the ex girlfriend's MySpace, as well as the ex-girlfriend's current live-in "Mr. Wonderful" (NOT!) & am not impressed. Am quite relieved to find she looks more like me than I ever thought. Build-wise more than face wise, although there are similarities. Am also vain enough to be relieved that I'm prettier. In my own humble opinion anyway.
Have taken four half-Lortabs in the last three days. None needed yet today. Must get my own prescription filled to see how well they're going to work at the strength my Doc prescribed. Am still getting up at 5:30-ish, and waking too often in the night. However, slept much better with my back against Brent's. Also need to call my psych and ask if what I'm taking could raise my blood pressure. (TO 150/104 OMG!!) We're going to look at another apartment tonight after work. IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD! HUZZAH!
And that's all for now.
Saturday random
Jun. 23rd, 2007 05:13 pmI saw a man with half a nose this week.
Brent decided against the apartment we saw. But he's still looking, and I'm glad. We had a nice time, and we miss one another. awww
I very much enjoyed Evan Almighty I didn' t make the Steve Carell/Evan Baxter connection between this movie and Bruce Almighty until I read the imdb reviews after the movie. While most the jokes were easily anticipated, it was stlil funny and remarkably clean. I recommend it, and will likely see it again, or buy it.
Scarlett goes home tomorrow. We'll be going to my dad's mountain house Friday after work, so we won't be apart long. I haven't been to my dad's second home yet, and I'm trying not to be too resentful about it. I'm also trying to ignore the fact that my father has always complained about not having any money, yet he's managed to buy a second home. And he still likes to remind me that I owe him $300 from last summer.
Ran intoskyearthandsea and her friend Annette (thistletail who hasn't posted in ages) downtown while wandering the Festivall street fair on Capitol Street. Scarlett & I had a nice time, and she spent the last of her pocket money. So did I.
I'm going to go sort through my clothes now, and put away all my winter stuff. Computer will be down for the rest of the day, so Ms. Thang & I can interact. Ciao bebehs.
Brent decided against the apartment we saw. But he's still looking, and I'm glad. We had a nice time, and we miss one another. awww
I very much enjoyed Evan Almighty I didn' t make the Steve Carell/Evan Baxter connection between this movie and Bruce Almighty until I read the imdb reviews after the movie. While most the jokes were easily anticipated, it was stlil funny and remarkably clean. I recommend it, and will likely see it again, or buy it.
Scarlett goes home tomorrow. We'll be going to my dad's mountain house Friday after work, so we won't be apart long. I haven't been to my dad's second home yet, and I'm trying not to be too resentful about it. I'm also trying to ignore the fact that my father has always complained about not having any money, yet he's managed to buy a second home. And he still likes to remind me that I owe him $300 from last summer.
Ran into
skyearthandsea and her friend Annette (thistletail who hasn't posted in ages) downtown while wandering the Festivall street fair on Capitol Street. Scarlett & I had a nice time, and she spent the last of her pocket money. So did I. I'm going to go sort through my clothes now, and put away all my winter stuff. Computer will be down for the rest of the day, so Ms. Thang & I can interact. Ciao bebehs.
I did not sleep well last night. Just before bed, I killed a spider. No, excuse me. A FUCKING HUGE FUCKING SPIDER!!! GAH! It skittered across the hall as I was headed to the bathroom, and even in the dark I could see it was a huge fucking something. I HOPED it was a cricket. But nooooooooooooo. I flipped on the light and OMG!!squeeeed!!!!! I wish (now) that I'd taken a picture before I squashed it with my shoe. But at the time all I could think was "Find a shoe heavy enough that you'll only have to hit it once. PLEASE." I spontaneously shuddered many times last night, and was quite reluctant to lie down or turn out all the lights.
Now, before you get the wrong idea - I hate spiders. Even tiny ones. But I know the difference between a huge fucking one and a tiny one. This is NO EXAGGERATION: the leg span on this spider was at least three full inches, or more. The body was as long and wide as my pinky finger, to the second joint. I could see it's pincers. Brown and stripey. And my skin is still crawling.
Upon killing it I thought "I cannot live here like this. I just can't." But it was already after 12:30 and Brent was already asleep, there was no way he could wake up enough to let me in. I am so mentally fucked by the size of that spider, I can't even begin to express it.
Annnnnyway.......
More long talk with Brent last night. Some argument, but I think I planted the seeds of some spiritual awakening for him. I HOPE they take root rather than just lay there. He is so broken and hurting so much, and not just over this stupid ex girlfriend thing. He has no peace inside, and needs it so desperately, but he's having trouble getting past the vanity and misconception that he will have to give up all he holds dear in order to make God happy. I managed to set off a few little explosions inside his head before he went to bed, with some of my theory about why God made sex so good. It's always nice to leave someone with a pleasant thought before they drift off.
Staff meeting today. I hope I don't fall asleep during.
Now, before you get the wrong idea - I hate spiders. Even tiny ones. But I know the difference between a huge fucking one and a tiny one. This is NO EXAGGERATION: the leg span on this spider was at least three full inches, or more. The body was as long and wide as my pinky finger, to the second joint. I could see it's pincers. Brown and stripey. And my skin is still crawling.
Upon killing it I thought "I cannot live here like this. I just can't." But it was already after 12:30 and Brent was already asleep, there was no way he could wake up enough to let me in. I am so mentally fucked by the size of that spider, I can't even begin to express it.
Annnnnyway.......
More long talk with Brent last night. Some argument, but I think I planted the seeds of some spiritual awakening for him. I HOPE they take root rather than just lay there. He is so broken and hurting so much, and not just over this stupid ex girlfriend thing. He has no peace inside, and needs it so desperately, but he's having trouble getting past the vanity and misconception that he will have to give up all he holds dear in order to make God happy. I managed to set off a few little explosions inside his head before he went to bed, with some of my theory about why God made sex so good. It's always nice to leave someone with a pleasant thought before they drift off.
Staff meeting today. I hope I don't fall asleep during.
SOOOO much to say. I hope I can remember it all.
First of all - GOD BLESS YOU to gymorama for my book, which arrived yesterday afternoon. It is beautiful. I have been waffling between "how incredibly vain of me to think I could write something publish-worthy" and "OMGSQUEEBOOK!" for well over 18 hours. It is much love.
For all of you who danced naked - HURRAY! It worked wonders. Brent is contrite, properly horrified at his behavior, and currently fearful of repeating it. ALL good things. He LOVES the book. He skimmed, and read, and re-read; cried a little, read out loud to me while I cried, read some more, called Jamie and read, then cried again. He's such a mush-pot. There is no wonder that he makes me crazy.
Oh, and by the way? He has NOT been saying that he will "never" love me. That is what I have been HEARING - and this is a common issue between us. We both have a tendency to hear meaning in words, facial expressions and other actions which is implied rather than intended. We work on this constantly. But I am QUITE pleased. When he says he doesn't love me, he means he doesn't love me NOW. And that doesn't mean forever. I can live with the possibility that it will never happen MUCH easier than with the absolute certainty.
My baby birds have left the nest. They were sweet little critters, and were not around very long. As I was locking my front door this morning, I heard a shocked gasp come from the yard, and when I turned - I looked straight into the eyes of a full size doe. She was NOT expecting to see me, and she had actually made the sound I heard. We stared at one another for a moment while I said "OH! I'm so sorry I surprised you. You certainly are beautiful." Then she bounded down over the hill into the brush. She had a black mask over her face from her eyes down - I've never seen a marking like that on a deer before.
I Fucking Hate It when a fast food joint gives me the wrong pop. I ALWAYS order diet, and when I get regular, it makes me ill. Too much sugar! As a result I am trying to remove the skin from my face by pulling my hair. Not working. I wish I could throw up.
Scarlett is at her friend's house - home from her trip. I am SO glad, and can't wait to talk to her. She didn't have any meds this a.m., so she is mentally incapable of having a conversation on the phone. Thus I must wait until I get home to hear all about her trip. You people think I'm exaggerating? I. Am. Not. I'm not shitting you, she cannot get beyond "Hello? Huh? Uhm.. Library?"
My sleep study has been moved to tonight. I don't know why I'm dreading it so, but my god I am. I just Do.Not.Want. to do this. It was SUCH a pain in the ass last time, and the pain in the ass lasted for several months afterward, while I discussed options with the asshole doctor, got the machine, tried the machine, hated the machine, got sick from the machine, then finally too back the machine. Do. Not. Want. Machine. Fuckers. Leave me alone.
Okay. That's it. I am sick-to-puking over this damned pop, I NEED NO SUGAR!!!!
First of all - GOD BLESS YOU to gymorama for my book, which arrived yesterday afternoon. It is beautiful. I have been waffling between "how incredibly vain of me to think I could write something publish-worthy" and "OMGSQUEEBOOK!" for well over 18 hours. It is much love.
For all of you who danced naked - HURRAY! It worked wonders. Brent is contrite, properly horrified at his behavior, and currently fearful of repeating it. ALL good things. He LOVES the book. He skimmed, and read, and re-read; cried a little, read out loud to me while I cried, read some more, called Jamie and read, then cried again. He's such a mush-pot. There is no wonder that he makes me crazy.
Oh, and by the way? He has NOT been saying that he will "never" love me. That is what I have been HEARING - and this is a common issue between us. We both have a tendency to hear meaning in words, facial expressions and other actions which is implied rather than intended. We work on this constantly. But I am QUITE pleased. When he says he doesn't love me, he means he doesn't love me NOW. And that doesn't mean forever. I can live with the possibility that it will never happen MUCH easier than with the absolute certainty.
My baby birds have left the nest. They were sweet little critters, and were not around very long. As I was locking my front door this morning, I heard a shocked gasp come from the yard, and when I turned - I looked straight into the eyes of a full size doe. She was NOT expecting to see me, and she had actually made the sound I heard. We stared at one another for a moment while I said "OH! I'm so sorry I surprised you. You certainly are beautiful." Then she bounded down over the hill into the brush. She had a black mask over her face from her eyes down - I've never seen a marking like that on a deer before.
I Fucking Hate It when a fast food joint gives me the wrong pop. I ALWAYS order diet, and when I get regular, it makes me ill. Too much sugar! As a result I am trying to remove the skin from my face by pulling my hair. Not working. I wish I could throw up.
Scarlett is at her friend's house - home from her trip. I am SO glad, and can't wait to talk to her. She didn't have any meds this a.m., so she is mentally incapable of having a conversation on the phone. Thus I must wait until I get home to hear all about her trip. You people think I'm exaggerating? I. Am. Not. I'm not shitting you, she cannot get beyond "Hello? Huh? Uhm.. Library?"
My sleep study has been moved to tonight. I don't know why I'm dreading it so, but my god I am. I just Do.Not.Want. to do this. It was SUCH a pain in the ass last time, and the pain in the ass lasted for several months afterward, while I discussed options with the asshole doctor, got the machine, tried the machine, hated the machine, got sick from the machine, then finally too back the machine. Do. Not. Want. Machine. Fuckers. Leave me alone.
Okay. That's it. I am sick-to-puking over this damned pop, I NEED NO SUGAR!!!!
Pray.
Light candles.
Dance around naked.
All three.
Whatever you do to send good vibes, please do so.
(by the way, if you do all three, please send photos)
I am laying down a couple of new laws tonight at Brent's house.
I want it to go well.
Because last night?
Didn't so much.
I'm pretty certain I'm ready for this.
I hope he is.
Light candles.
Dance around naked.
All three.
Whatever you do to send good vibes, please do so.
(by the way, if you do all three, please send photos)
I am laying down a couple of new laws tonight at Brent's house.
I want it to go well.
Because last night?
Didn't so much.
I'm pretty certain I'm ready for this.
I hope he is.
Okay, so fairly good almost-news, maybe.
I finally had a chance to speak with my landlord. I asked him about his other apartments, and he informed me that the ones in the right area were smaller than the place I'm in now. He kept pushing Dunbar (which wouldn't be bad in a pinch) but he finally said that he'd talk with his wife about cutting my rent. AND give me an answer before the end of the month. SO, rather than letting him forget about it, this gives me the opportunity to nag him.
He said he'd consider taking $50 off the rent. That will be a huge help, but won't give me true relief. However, I will TAKE it, rather than trying to find another place, pay a deposit, and find the time and muscle to move. In a month or two I'm going to see if he'll consider letting me store some things under the building in waterproof containers. THAT would give me some breathing room in here.
ALSO. Mom and my stepdad have decided they will keep Scarlett again this summer. She'll be spending a lot of time at her dad's anyway, so I might be on an alternate weekend schedule with her during the summer. I don't know, but it's possible. That will put a bit of cramp in Brent's style, however, it could allow us to eat here in the evenings, take care of the cats and shower while he putzed around on the computer, then go to his house to sleep. In my not-so-humble opinion, he could curb his drinking quite a bit this way. And he could do things with his buddies on his alternate weekends. Or something.
Finally, my stepfather is a retired structural engineer. He used to work for Highways. He's offered to supervise the drainage and repair of our parking lot this summer, if my landlord is interested. Mom said he wouldn't want any pay for it, but I reminded her that any pay could be applied toward my rent for a month. I'll be telling my landlord about the offer when I pay him next month's rent.
And that's all. I'm gonna go bake cupcakes. Ciao bebehs.
I finally had a chance to speak with my landlord. I asked him about his other apartments, and he informed me that the ones in the right area were smaller than the place I'm in now. He kept pushing Dunbar (which wouldn't be bad in a pinch) but he finally said that he'd talk with his wife about cutting my rent. AND give me an answer before the end of the month. SO, rather than letting him forget about it, this gives me the opportunity to nag him.
He said he'd consider taking $50 off the rent. That will be a huge help, but won't give me true relief. However, I will TAKE it, rather than trying to find another place, pay a deposit, and find the time and muscle to move. In a month or two I'm going to see if he'll consider letting me store some things under the building in waterproof containers. THAT would give me some breathing room in here.
ALSO. Mom and my stepdad have decided they will keep Scarlett again this summer. She'll be spending a lot of time at her dad's anyway, so I might be on an alternate weekend schedule with her during the summer. I don't know, but it's possible. That will put a bit of cramp in Brent's style, however, it could allow us to eat here in the evenings, take care of the cats and shower while he putzed around on the computer, then go to his house to sleep. In my not-so-humble opinion, he could curb his drinking quite a bit this way. And he could do things with his buddies on his alternate weekends. Or something.
Finally, my stepfather is a retired structural engineer. He used to work for Highways. He's offered to supervise the drainage and repair of our parking lot this summer, if my landlord is interested. Mom said he wouldn't want any pay for it, but I reminded her that any pay could be applied toward my rent for a month. I'll be telling my landlord about the offer when I pay him next month's rent.
And that's all. I'm gonna go bake cupcakes. Ciao bebehs.
