Monday

[mynewplace]

I weighed myself for the first time in over a year.   I've regained every pound I lost when my job was first moved to this office.  I'm back at that weight that is too appalling for me to even say out loud. I am so goddamned angry I could spit.  

I hope I'm goddamned angry enough to do the right thing for a change.  Walking, despite the pain; salads, salt and soda elimination. Back to caffeine pills, water, and iced tea.  I miss walking to and from lunch. Guess I'll start walking around the building or something.

Comments

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

The only way I got proactive about changing my weight issues was to begin by stating my weight. You don't have to do it here, but you ought to at least say it out loud to yourself, to make it real, to make it tangible. Trust me. I know this.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Not sure if I can do it without saying "Fucking" between the hundreds place and the tens place. But I will do it. Thanks for the advice.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. If you need to vent without my necessarily saying a word, by all means do. Email me at the LJ account and I'll write you back.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I may very well do that, in fact I think I still have your regular email addy. For some strange reason the thought of venting just makes me more angry with myself. It might give me a sense of accountability, which would be good. The ONLY thing that I can anticipate making me feel better about myself is getting the sodium out of my life, and falling in love with raw vegetables again. I've gotta find some place to bury the summer sausage I have in my fridge. lol It's a full moon, maybe I'll do a ritual in the woods behind the house. (I know that sounds sarcastic, it isn't in the LEAST. I think it would do me a world of good.)

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

By any means necessary, is what I've always said, and I stick by that to this day. A lot of people say I took the easy way with the surgery, but my options had run out to the point I had one of two choices: risk WLS or suicide. So, when I say that I know what you're going through, believe me. I'll do whatever I can to help.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I appreciate it. I've given so much thought to the surgery in the past, I wish I could go that route. I just don't think my body would cooperate - it doesn't heal well.

*HUGS*

[padiwack.livejournal.com]

I have to channel that anger. I walk almost every morning, as you know. What you don't know (and I don't post about it) is that I often start out cussing and spitting at the beginning. I hate having to do it, but I know I need to do it FOR MYSELF.
When I first started, I got winded after the first block. Everything hurt! But slowly, as time went by (and I continued to FORCE myself) I started to feel and notice the changes. Some days, I may walk just a half mile, some days 4 miles. I mix it up and vary the route. But I still cuss and bitch at the beginning!

Throw out that damned scale...all they do is give you a number, and it never helped ME any to know that number!

Re: *HUGS*

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

The scales are here at the office, in every break room. We have all these programs at work that encourage you to count your veggies, cut your carbs, and walk during the day. We even have an exercise room. I fucking hate it. The people that I know who use are are very smug about the fact. My boss has a nasty habit of smarmy comments when he goes to the exercise room.

I figure the scale did me good where other things hadn't. I was winded walking to the parking lot, but I didn't care. I couldn't wear my good shoes because of my back, but I didn't care. But once I saw that number was back where it had been when I first got disgusted, I knew it was time to stop ignoring the tight waistbands.

I don't have a scale in my house, and won't.

Re: *HUGS*

[amian.livejournal.com]

To each his own, and you gotta do what works for you of course, but for me, I really need to weigh myself every day. Otherwise it is too easy for me to slip into denial. (I too have an uncanny ability to ignore tight clothing, larger sizes, etc.) I've learned that an early sign that I'm letting my eating get out of control is when I start "forgetting" to weigh every day.

Now that I am dieting in earnest, I also use a pair of jeans in the next size down to help me gage my progress. I'm too lazy to take my measurements but I do measure the width of the gap in the zipper (to see how far I am from being able to zip them up!)

Re: *HUGS*

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I do better if I don't check every day. I fluctuate so much with water weight that it becomes discouraging. I like to check once a month or so, after I've been trying for several weeks. It's much more exciting to see several pounds gone.

[blue-leaf.livejournal.com]

Hang in there, I feel fat too. It is not being my friend and I am not losing. In fact I gained 4 pounds since last month, agh!
Good luck dear. HUGS John.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks John. I hope your back is feeling better this week.

Re: pain management

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I really don't know that I can get through the day without caffeine, though. My sleep apnea is pretty tough to fight any other way.

[amian.livejournal.com]

Having nearly wept with horror at the number on the scale many times myself, I just wanted to give you a *hug*. Hopefully you can get back to a healthier place for yourself soon.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm sure gonna try.

[gymorama.livejournal.com]

I am down about 10 pounds since New years It seems (depending on what day I weigh myself) but I'm not as low as I was the week BEFORE Christmas yet and I am having a problems breaking through a zero ending number at the moment. It was Much easier to put it on. I put on 15+ pounds over the two weeks at Christmas and I didn't even enjoy the crap I was shovelling in my mouth.

I'm with you. I am the heaviest I've ever been, but it is slowly coming off. But it is frustrating. Hang in there.

[reallyamermaid.livejournal.com]

Hey, don't you work downtown or at least near downtown? I love to walk. I really like the walking path down on the lower level next to the river. I can't ever seem to get anyone to go with me. I would seriously like to go walking with you after work. Walking's a great exercise that doesn't stress your joints like jogging. And we could bitch about everything together. I'll go with you any day I don't have to work late. Seriously, let me know. I could use the exercise myself.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I love that path too, and I appreciate the offer Court. My biggest problem is I can't do anything immediately after work. I have 30 minutes to get from office to day care or I'm charged overage fees. I'm going to have to do a cruise around the building at lunch time, at least to start with.

this is a lot longer than i planned. sorry. :P

[mastermindsgirl.livejournal.com]

I haven't even weighed myself and I feel this post. I went to put on a pair of jeans I could wear toward the end of last year, jeans I fought long and hard for over many hours at the gym, and I couldn't get them buttoned and zipped. It wasn't that much of a surprise, really, but it kind of broke my heart. Doesn't help that my lover, while on the chubby side, pretty much eats anything he wants and doesn't seem to suffer for it. He enjoys rich food, both while dining out and at home, and I know he doesn't get enough home cooking, so when we're together, I oblige him as often as I can. The result: My too-chubby face in the mirror that it's getting harder to hide by staring at myself from flattering angles, tighter clothes, and the resurgence of a self-loathing I'd thought long dead.

I don't know how much I weigh. I'm afraid to know. I know it's just a number, and that it should not have that much power over me, but I have serious humiliation issues dating back to a group weigh in 6th grade. My weight (the actual number itself) has been a source of deep shame for me ever since the day my gym teacher put me on the scale, then made a big show of looking around behind me and asked (in front of my whole class) "198! *whistle* Who else you got on that scale with you, girl?"

198. I look back at the pictures of myself then, and even later, in high school when I got into the 250s, and I want to cry. I would kill today to have the body I had back then, and I thought I was such a hideous monster. That no one could ever love me, or be attracted to me. It just makes me shake my head at the mindjob my mom did on me, and the rest of the world at large.

So! Off to the gym tomorrow morning for me, and we shall see how it goes from there! I for one would like to read about your thoughts and experiences as you go forward with your changes, if you feel inclined to write about them.

Lots of love from Indiana, girl.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Don't be sorry. I'm SO glad to hear from you. Home cooking for a man who loves it, and eating out with a man who loves rich food has done a number on me as well. So has spending whole weekends doing nothing more strenuous than climbing the stairs to his door. I MISS sex, and not just because I miss that kind of orgasm. I miss sweating, and working, and the way I carried myself afterward. I miss being able to run up the steps to my bedroom. I don't even HAVE steps any more. Another reason to move this summer. I want steps again.

I told Brent yesterday at work that I was sick of myself, and I was going to straighten up, cut out the pop (but NOT the caffeine) go back to salads and walking. Make him teach me to operate his treadmill. I was SO saddened by the response I received, and also angered. He teased me. About my eating habits, my drinking habits. I ripped him a new asshole, even though I knew it was teasing because he had no fucking right, after all the support I've given him in this area.

And then you know what he did? He went home, ate a healthy dinner, and walked half a mile. Motherfucker walked OUTSIDE. HE NEVER DOES THAT. But I'm glad, because it means he'll do it with me on the weekends. And I'm pissed at the same time that he'd razz me then do exactly what I talked of doing.

So. I went to the grocery last night, bought almost $200 worth of healthy groceries. Had a great breakfast, popped a Vivarin, and jonesed for a diet coke all the way to work. I'm gonna ignore it tho - the sodium is killing me, and the acid eats up the skin inside my mouth. Not to mention what it's doing to my bones and teeth. And dammit, I'm going to make this work. I love healthy food. Granted, I love fat on occasion too, esp. that ONE week. You know the one. But he's not going to beat me at my own goddamned idea.

And that's what I have to say about that. GLAD to see you again. I read you're going to have a fantastic week! I can't wait til next week, and Scarlett's spring break. hahahaaaaa

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

And I think this constitutes my next post, with some minor modification.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

You know, I can't get that gym teacher incident out of my head. What the fuck is wrong with adults? I suppose it thought perhaps a public announcement would humiliate the pounds off you. Shooting is too good for people like that. It just makes me angry. Why do you have to BE humiliated before you learn to be kind enough not to humiliate someone else?

[mastermindsgirl.livejournal.com]

The gym teacher incident has stuck with me, too. I've never forgotten it. That was my first really clear memory of thinking, "Is this really happening? This can't be happening to me." That feeling of... surreality, for lack of a better word, has always remained vivid.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Male or female teacher?

[mastermindsgirl.livejournal.com]

Male. His name was Mr. Basham. I'll never ever forget it.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think they're the worst, but then I remember all the women gym teachers I had. They were horrible too.