Thursday

[mynewplace]

I keep telling myself I need to get back to reality.  Fantasy world is staying all weekend at Brent's house, doing absolutely nothing but eating, t.v.ing, and sleeping, ignoring my own home and chores.  It's got to stop, this is ridiculous. It would be different if we were building a life together, but he's determined to kill the only part of himself that is capable of loving me.  And I need to be loved. At least I think that's what I need - it's hard to say you need something you've never had before. But I'm pretty certain, based on the love of other people in my life, that love is what I need. I guess I probably ought to say this to him before the weekend. There aren't many "right" times to say this sort of thing. And I'm not certain that it's necessary to end things altogether.  I guess that's where it will go, though, because he's not going to stop trying to kill his heart, certainly not for my sake.

Comments

Useless advice, delivered because I care...

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

And I need to be loved. At least I think that's what I need - it's hard to say you need something you've never had before. But I'm pretty certain, based on the love of other people in my life, that love is what I need.

We all need that.

You are and have been feeling that absence for a while, and it's shown in your posts. But you have been hoping that things would change.

I'll ask you a question...do you think things are going to change in a way that's going to get you what you need? If not, then you'll have to redefine what you want from him or move on from him to somewhere where you'll get it.

I think you already know the answer, but you're afraid to act on it, because you think you're giving up a shot at what you're looking for. But I think that what you're doing is preventing yourself from searching/finding what you need.

I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

We don't know each other well, but I know enough to know that you are more than deserving of that thing you seek.

But then again...I could just be an idiot.

*HUG*

You need to vent or talk, you got my email and my IM is on my profile.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I do still believe that he's capable of giving me what I need. But I don't believe he's willing. I don't know if he will become willing at some point. But I do know that I need to stop waiting and get on living.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

It's a 2 part thing.

We're all capable of lots of things.

Willingness is just as important.

He's NOT trying and I think he's been so broken that he doesn't want to try.

You deserve better.

You do.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I don't even want to say this, but it seems to fight its way out of me every time I hear the phrase "You deserve better." So please don't think I'm upset or angry. I'm just speaking my mind.

I've spent most of my life looking for what I "deserve". I realize that 40 isn't really old, but it feels pretty damned old to be never-married and never-loved. Very few people get what they deserve in life. I'm not sure I want to wake up on my last day having nothing because I deserved better.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

First of all, I understand completely and I don't think you are upset or angry and even if you were you have every right to be.

I hope you don't think I'm overstepping. I'll step back on your word.

But I'm going to touch on this:
I'm not sure I want to wake up on my last day having nothing because I deserved better.

But the other way around, do you have something? My question to you would now be, what constitutes "something" to you? If your feeling bad about being never married and never loved, if at the end of your days you still don't have that, will you be satisfied?

Sorry, for overstepping. Just trying to help.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

No, I won't be satisfied. But I do at least have company now. And that's pretty damned important to me. I am settling for him, and he knows it. He doesn't truly realize that I'm with him because he's pretty damned great compared to most the other men I've spent time with over the last three years or so. I just don't have much with which to compare him.

In all honesty I need to get a handle on the rest of my life, and he'll fall into the proper place, and stop being so damned important.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

And you're not overstepping. I need this kind of conversation, and I'm exhausting all the usual suspects.

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

Since I'm relatively new here, maybe I can offer a fresh perspective.

That or maybe I can just be a new ear.

Whatever you need.

*HUG*

Feel free to drop me a line if you need.