(no subject)

Wait, wait.

Wait wait wait.

Silence fills my head.

I double-check my work

I am unconscious.

Wait wait wait some more.

What's that sucking sound?

The sound of silence.

 

I can endure anything

In order to climb those wooden stairs

See him open the door

Mix me a drink

In a cold dark kitchen

Please? Can we leave the lights off?

Smile as a week of stress

Melts in minty bourbon heat

And he begins the circuit

Through darkened rooms

 

I can endure anything

Even silence that sucks away my spirit

Even silence from him.

 

Until the day comes

When that silence means

"No More".

(no subject)

Saw Narnia tonight with Scarlett and Pavanne. Wept for the beauty of youthful faith and awe. Wept for the depth I felt from having read the books so many times. I walked out wishing everyone could get that 'just washed' feeling from watching this movie. And wishing I'd had that fourth body next to me while we watched.

There are few activities left that don't find me wishing - that he were there, to hear his take on it, to rest my head on his arm or brush my hand across his back as I pass. This is the way it always seems to work, I fall so hopelessly, helplessly, so deeply that I live a week in every day, a month in every week, a lifetime in every aquaintance. Can't really even call it a relationship, yet. Just a tender, tentative friendship that frightens the living daylights out of me. I've never been good at seeing anything positive in my own future, but I've been wrong many, many times where he is concerned. Repeatedly, delightfully wrong. And I thank God for it every time I remember.

That's all I can do. Just be grateful for the moments, and endure until the next one. What a fucking drama queen. I shake my head at my own pathetic-ness.