(no subject)

[mynewplace]

Wait, wait.

Wait wait wait.

Silence fills my head.

I double-check my work

I am unconscious.

Wait wait wait some more.

What's that sucking sound?

The sound of silence.

 

I can endure anything

In order to climb those wooden stairs

See him open the door

Mix me a drink

In a cold dark kitchen

Please? Can we leave the lights off?

Smile as a week of stress

Melts in minty bourbon heat

And he begins the circuit

Through darkened rooms

 

I can endure anything

Even silence that sucks away my spirit

Even silence from him.

 

Until the day comes

When that silence means

"No More".

Comments

Silence

[phil123.livejournal.com]

Anita,
Silence can be a vacuum. It can suck you into nothingness and leave you empty and traceless. I quickly skimmed through your most recent posts and you seem to fighting the vacuum. But I think it is more than silence that is sucking at you. Somewhere you said that loving you "comes at a high cost" or something like that. True affection comes at a cost. Unless you are totally unreasonable I would consider you worth it.
You mentioned that you had a nose bleed that could be caused by high blood preasure. Please take care of yourself! I usually like my friends alive. It is easier to communicate with them.
My son Luke is driving me nuts. He is 10 and we are having all soughts of trouble with him. My daughter will be 9 next week. I remember you mentioned that your daughter is 9 also.
I hope you take some time to visit my LJ and my blog(phil's place), I would really like that.

Re: Silence

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks Phil. I do fight the vacuum, all the time. I grow quite intense, mostly because I am forced to endure so much alone, with very few periods of face to face physical contact or attention, and this is the only thing that truly eases my mental and physical pain.

I am worth the cost. Even if no one ever again sees fit to pay the price of time with me, I will retain my worth. But I've said before, and feel it bears repeating, that no matter how convinced you are of your own worth, unless someone else acknowledges it in a manner that you find fit, then you are just like a Sakajawea ground into the dirt by the side of the road. Still worth something, but unspent. THIS is where my true pain lies. In the solitary desire for someone to share my life with, and the recurring despondence at finding no one.

I've been to your journal several times Phil. It's interesting, but I don't see any entries come up on my friends page when I review it. I have very little to say during these dark days; I do comment on others journals on occasion, but I don't review 'back issues' much.

Re: Silence

[phil123.livejournal.com]

Anita,
It seems that days pass way too quickly and then way too slowly. We can take what there is and try to be happy, you know just make due. I think that we all need that special physical contact in our lives. Not just sex or the drug of an orgasm, but the touch of someone close. Being held on a cold night, feeling someone’s warmth as we sleep are some of the things we need. I am a little old fashioned as I believe that a woman needs to be stroked, held close so she can feel the real passion of a man. Sex is either a narcotic or it is romantic. As a man I often fall prey to the narcotic. You can see by looking at my LJ or blog that young well endowed woman turn me on. They are candy or the drug.
Real sex goes beyond that. It is not just the act but all the things that happen before and after. It is the stuff that sparks love. I wish that somehow I could ask you out and help light that spark for you. It would even be better if I could have someone delivered to your door that could fulfill your wants and needs. I can try to exchange words with you that will at least help in the smallest way for you to feel better.
Never question your worth. Don’t worry about what others think or perceive. Just be you, that is real good.

[mediyogi.livejournal.com]

Until the day comes
When that silence means
"No More".

I know where you are....and you won't stay there...(((HUGS))) I just "know" this for some reason....

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

No, I barely stayed there past the end of this writing. He made me smile again, and it's lasted a good seven hours and counting.

[mediyogi.livejournal.com]

heheheehe....good for you!

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I'd like to think he is. Although it's more good in a "lots of lessons to learn and endure" sort of way.

[mediyogi.livejournal.com]

yeah...I see that.

[el-jefe59.livejournal.com]

I have felt this and you have captured perfectly what it feels like. (((HUG)))

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much Jeff.