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Jul. 23rd, 2005 09:48 pmI'm at such loose ends. I don't know what to do with myself. If I sit here, if I read my journal, or other journals, I get all weepy and distracted. I can't think straight, unless its from point A to point B.
Nothing relieves me, nothing gives me joy. I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I'm just not anything. I'm kinda numb. The codeine is making it easier to move around, do laundry, etc., but it doesn't make me as calm as has. It's tainted by some casual remark Brent made that makes me feel like an addict. I'm not currently addicted to codeine, although I'm well on my way. And why would I listen to him, when he has more addictive vices than I do?
Better yet, you may well ask, why would I even listen to him at all? Why am I having conversations with him again, when I'd sworn him off? GOOD question. I usually discuss developments between us with my girlfriend, and have a handle on my thoughts and feelings by the time I sit down to write. But I can't analyze this week's events because my gf is grieving for a familial loss, and no one else knows or understands the situation. He and I ARE on speaking terms again. It's strange and I'm not comfortable with it - I'm not excited, like I would have been a month ago had this developed then. But I still managed to worm my way into his mind again Friday, and think to myself as he answered my questions "Moment of weakness my fat wide ass." There are so many other things on my mind right now that I can't settle down and figure out this Brent-business for myself.
My dear FWB and I had an strange conversation on Friday, before he went out of town. He had read the things I'd written about 'Daddy', and was very uncomfortable with the fact that I had cried. He also asked me if I was falling in love with this man, because he felt it sounded as if I were. I'm not. I shut down the discussion with that man about 'women and daddies' because I didn't want him to get inside me like that. I'm drawing definitive lines around various people and places within my heart and mind. I didn't think I'd ever be capable of that sort of compartmentalization, but it appears that I am. How well it will hold up or last is another issue. I DO love my FWB, but its a tight, friendship-type love that has no reason to go any further than it has. It will only deepen as we grow to know one another better. Whether or not the benefits ever come to fruition, he and I agree that we "love each other to death". I have made every effort to assure him that I have no designs on him. I only hope that I can prove it to him, because its true.
I've started commenting on my own journal in order to get the entries re-sent to my mailbox. I'm doing this so that I can send the entries to my officer. The Air Force has seen fit to put livejournal on the unauthorized sites list all of a sudden. That's how he found me to begin with, he'd been reading livejournal and came across someone from his home state - he loved my journal so much that he decided to write me, and we've been corresponding since April. Hmmm. Almost four months. Seems SO MUCH longer.
Finally, well for now - there's another man attempting to come onto the scene. I guess I'm going to have to give him a nickname or something here, because I think that he might be turning up on a regular basis. He is the co-moderator of my new yahoo swingers group, and he has also set up a profile for us on Swappernet. com, as a couple. He's married, his wife swings, but she is not as into the whole situation as he and I are. We have a LOT of ties, our families are friends, going back to our grandparents. We're also going to be doing some things here on LJ that are not swing-related. I think I'm gonna call him BT.
Scarlett's home, so I'm gonna hop off here again, and watch Ella Enchanted. It's been pretty good so far. Not as good as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, though! That was AWESOME!!! We WILL be seeing it again, no question. (sorry Jeremy, but I LOVED IT!)
Nothing relieves me, nothing gives me joy. I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I'm just not anything. I'm kinda numb. The codeine is making it easier to move around, do laundry, etc., but it doesn't make me as calm as has. It's tainted by some casual remark Brent made that makes me feel like an addict. I'm not currently addicted to codeine, although I'm well on my way. And why would I listen to him, when he has more addictive vices than I do?
Better yet, you may well ask, why would I even listen to him at all? Why am I having conversations with him again, when I'd sworn him off? GOOD question. I usually discuss developments between us with my girlfriend, and have a handle on my thoughts and feelings by the time I sit down to write. But I can't analyze this week's events because my gf is grieving for a familial loss, and no one else knows or understands the situation. He and I ARE on speaking terms again. It's strange and I'm not comfortable with it - I'm not excited, like I would have been a month ago had this developed then. But I still managed to worm my way into his mind again Friday, and think to myself as he answered my questions "Moment of weakness my fat wide ass." There are so many other things on my mind right now that I can't settle down and figure out this Brent-business for myself.
My dear FWB and I had an strange conversation on Friday, before he went out of town. He had read the things I'd written about 'Daddy', and was very uncomfortable with the fact that I had cried. He also asked me if I was falling in love with this man, because he felt it sounded as if I were. I'm not. I shut down the discussion with that man about 'women and daddies' because I didn't want him to get inside me like that. I'm drawing definitive lines around various people and places within my heart and mind. I didn't think I'd ever be capable of that sort of compartmentalization, but it appears that I am. How well it will hold up or last is another issue. I DO love my FWB, but its a tight, friendship-type love that has no reason to go any further than it has. It will only deepen as we grow to know one another better. Whether or not the benefits ever come to fruition, he and I agree that we "love each other to death". I have made every effort to assure him that I have no designs on him. I only hope that I can prove it to him, because its true.
I've started commenting on my own journal in order to get the entries re-sent to my mailbox. I'm doing this so that I can send the entries to my officer. The Air Force has seen fit to put livejournal on the unauthorized sites list all of a sudden. That's how he found me to begin with, he'd been reading livejournal and came across someone from his home state - he loved my journal so much that he decided to write me, and we've been corresponding since April. Hmmm. Almost four months. Seems SO MUCH longer.
Finally, well for now - there's another man attempting to come onto the scene. I guess I'm going to have to give him a nickname or something here, because I think that he might be turning up on a regular basis. He is the co-moderator of my new yahoo swingers group, and he has also set up a profile for us on Swappernet. com, as a couple. He's married, his wife swings, but she is not as into the whole situation as he and I are. We have a LOT of ties, our families are friends, going back to our grandparents. We're also going to be doing some things here on LJ that are not swing-related. I think I'm gonna call him BT.
Scarlett's home, so I'm gonna hop off here again, and watch Ella Enchanted. It's been pretty good so far. Not as good as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, though! That was AWESOME!!! We WILL be seeing it again, no question. (sorry Jeremy, but I LOVED IT!)
