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Jul. 23rd, 2005 09:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mynewplaceI'm at such loose ends. I don't know what to do with myself. If I sit here, if I read my journal, or other journals, I get all weepy and distracted. I can't think straight, unless its from point A to point B.
Nothing relieves me, nothing gives me joy. I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I'm just not anything. I'm kinda numb. The codeine is making it easier to move around, do laundry, etc., but it doesn't make me as calm as has. It's tainted by some casual remark Brent made that makes me feel like an addict. I'm not currently addicted to codeine, although I'm well on my way. And why would I listen to him, when he has more addictive vices than I do?
Better yet, you may well ask, why would I even listen to him at all? Why am I having conversations with him again, when I'd sworn him off? GOOD question. I usually discuss developments between us with my girlfriend, and have a handle on my thoughts and feelings by the time I sit down to write. But I can't analyze this week's events because my gf is grieving for a familial loss, and no one else knows or understands the situation. He and I ARE on speaking terms again. It's strange and I'm not comfortable with it - I'm not excited, like I would have been a month ago had this developed then. But I still managed to worm my way into his mind again Friday, and think to myself as he answered my questions "Moment of weakness my fat wide ass." There are so many other things on my mind right now that I can't settle down and figure out this Brent-business for myself.
My dear FWB and I had an strange conversation on Friday, before he went out of town. He had read the things I'd written about 'Daddy', and was very uncomfortable with the fact that I had cried. He also asked me if I was falling in love with this man, because he felt it sounded as if I were. I'm not. I shut down the discussion with that man about 'women and daddies' because I didn't want him to get inside me like that. I'm drawing definitive lines around various people and places within my heart and mind. I didn't think I'd ever be capable of that sort of compartmentalization, but it appears that I am. How well it will hold up or last is another issue. I DO love my FWB, but its a tight, friendship-type love that has no reason to go any further than it has. It will only deepen as we grow to know one another better. Whether or not the benefits ever come to fruition, he and I agree that we "love each other to death". I have made every effort to assure him that I have no designs on him. I only hope that I can prove it to him, because its true.
I've started commenting on my own journal in order to get the entries re-sent to my mailbox. I'm doing this so that I can send the entries to my officer. The Air Force has seen fit to put livejournal on the unauthorized sites list all of a sudden. That's how he found me to begin with, he'd been reading livejournal and came across someone from his home state - he loved my journal so much that he decided to write me, and we've been corresponding since April. Hmmm. Almost four months. Seems SO MUCH longer.
Finally, well for now - there's another man attempting to come onto the scene. I guess I'm going to have to give him a nickname or something here, because I think that he might be turning up on a regular basis. He is the co-moderator of my new yahoo swingers group, and he has also set up a profile for us on Swappernet. com, as a couple. He's married, his wife swings, but she is not as into the whole situation as he and I are. We have a LOT of ties, our families are friends, going back to our grandparents. We're also going to be doing some things here on LJ that are not swing-related. I think I'm gonna call him BT.
Scarlett's home, so I'm gonna hop off here again, and watch Ella Enchanted. It's been pretty good so far. Not as good as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, though! That was AWESOME!!! We WILL be seeing it again, no question. (sorry Jeremy, but I LOVED IT!)
Nothing relieves me, nothing gives me joy. I'm not angry, I'm not sad. I'm just not anything. I'm kinda numb. The codeine is making it easier to move around, do laundry, etc., but it doesn't make me as calm as has. It's tainted by some casual remark Brent made that makes me feel like an addict. I'm not currently addicted to codeine, although I'm well on my way. And why would I listen to him, when he has more addictive vices than I do?
Better yet, you may well ask, why would I even listen to him at all? Why am I having conversations with him again, when I'd sworn him off? GOOD question. I usually discuss developments between us with my girlfriend, and have a handle on my thoughts and feelings by the time I sit down to write. But I can't analyze this week's events because my gf is grieving for a familial loss, and no one else knows or understands the situation. He and I ARE on speaking terms again. It's strange and I'm not comfortable with it - I'm not excited, like I would have been a month ago had this developed then. But I still managed to worm my way into his mind again Friday, and think to myself as he answered my questions "Moment of weakness my fat wide ass." There are so many other things on my mind right now that I can't settle down and figure out this Brent-business for myself.
My dear FWB and I had an strange conversation on Friday, before he went out of town. He had read the things I'd written about 'Daddy', and was very uncomfortable with the fact that I had cried. He also asked me if I was falling in love with this man, because he felt it sounded as if I were. I'm not. I shut down the discussion with that man about 'women and daddies' because I didn't want him to get inside me like that. I'm drawing definitive lines around various people and places within my heart and mind. I didn't think I'd ever be capable of that sort of compartmentalization, but it appears that I am. How well it will hold up or last is another issue. I DO love my FWB, but its a tight, friendship-type love that has no reason to go any further than it has. It will only deepen as we grow to know one another better. Whether or not the benefits ever come to fruition, he and I agree that we "love each other to death". I have made every effort to assure him that I have no designs on him. I only hope that I can prove it to him, because its true.
I've started commenting on my own journal in order to get the entries re-sent to my mailbox. I'm doing this so that I can send the entries to my officer. The Air Force has seen fit to put livejournal on the unauthorized sites list all of a sudden. That's how he found me to begin with, he'd been reading livejournal and came across someone from his home state - he loved my journal so much that he decided to write me, and we've been corresponding since April. Hmmm. Almost four months. Seems SO MUCH longer.
Finally, well for now - there's another man attempting to come onto the scene. I guess I'm going to have to give him a nickname or something here, because I think that he might be turning up on a regular basis. He is the co-moderator of my new yahoo swingers group, and he has also set up a profile for us on Swappernet. com, as a couple. He's married, his wife swings, but she is not as into the whole situation as he and I are. We have a LOT of ties, our families are friends, going back to our grandparents. We're also going to be doing some things here on LJ that are not swing-related. I think I'm gonna call him BT.
Scarlett's home, so I'm gonna hop off here again, and watch Ella Enchanted. It's been pretty good so far. Not as good as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, though! That was AWESOME!!! We WILL be seeing it again, no question. (sorry Jeremy, but I LOVED IT!)
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 04:19 pm (UTC)When I had my wisdom teeth removed, my dentist gave me some T3's (30 mg codeine each). Well, I hardly used any of them at the time, as I have a high tolerance for pain anyway -- but it was an experimental time in my life. So I took a few at once, having done some research into the effects. What a wonderful experience! Truly one of the best moments in my life! I repeated that a few times over the ensuing year. That was 5 years ago now.
But the desire to do it again never completely goes away. Sometimes I'll even go weeks without thinking about it, but it always returns. I can fight it off with ease. But part of me doesn't want to. The feeling of being high on codeine is so wonderful. And as far as drugs go, as long as you don't overdose, it's nearly harmless (provided, if in pill form, you filter out the other stuff).
So yeah... just be aware that the more you use them, the stronger the urges become.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 05:03 pm (UTC)But the idea of being able to take it, in low dose, on a regular basis for a long period of time is a HUGE draw. Its why I wish I lived in Canada. See, I am convinced that if I could take it in one of the OTC forms as its sold there, with caffeine and aspirin, then I would feel better all the time. If I felt better all the time, I'd be more active. Not just getting more done around the house, obviously, but I'm calmer with Scarlett, its easier to discipline her when necessary without all the screaming and so forth, and I just feel generally better. I know I'd get more exercise if I were taking it regularly, and I know that I'd lose weight. I'd stop drinking pop, because I'd get my caffeine in pill form. That, coupled with drinking more water in place of that pop, and eating a fair amount of roughage to offset the *ahem* "other" side effect, would also aid my health.
Its utopian, I know. But a girl can dream, I guess.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 05:09 pm (UTC)In OTC form, there is only 8 mg, along with 15 mg of caffeine and 100 mg of aspirin or tylenol. I barely get the slightest warm feeling from that amount, and I haven't "used" it in 5 years. The fun starts about when you reach the toxic levels of aspirin/tylenol, and so if you want that effect (equivalent of a few T3's or so), you have filter out the crap, which you can do with water, as tylenol and aspirin are water soluable to some extent. I've not gone through with that... but it's tempting...
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Date: 2005-07-27 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 05:17 pm (UTC)*Mega Far Away
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Date: 2005-07-27 05:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 05:20 pm (UTC)Its the curse of having endured an online love affair. Everything has to be real-time, or no time.
But you're hot!! MUAH!
no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 05:22 pm (UTC)Glad to see you've got a good head on your shoulders. Wouldn't hurt to see the other one. :-P
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Date: 2005-07-27 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 09:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 10:05 pm (UTC)