mynewplace

I haven't eaten properly in weeks.

I've lost ten pounds since we started working at the new building. Can't eat, can't finish my lunch, don't want any dinner.

There are days when the thoughts that come out of my mouth make me say "WoW! What the fuck? That needs written down!"

But I can't talk to Him. I can email, no problem. Short, long, full of innuendo or straight-on conversation, never have a bit of trouble. Tend to rein myself in just a bit, only because I know in some strange psychic fashion how much will be too much. And yes, in spite of the things we talk about, I believe there is a point where I could give him TMI and he would just stop talking. Part of me says that's not really the case. Maybe not. But better safe than sorry.

There are so many things I want to tell him, to talk to him about, but I don't dare push beyond that barrier. I know my heart would be lost should I get inside his head. Its halfway lost already, and I must grip what remains in my possession like the Real Estate mag I ripped to shreds today while he was in my office, talking to me. Better in shreds than lost to him. My hands were covered with purple ink, and the soft pads below each finger are tenderly painful from the grip I had on that mag. Took me two good scrubs to get all the purple off. Still, better than gripping his collar. Because the pull wasn't quite as strong today.

And it dawns on me as I'm driving home that I must stop. He's out of my league. He's so FUCKING intelligent it blows me away. There are times when I think that should I manage to speak, to really talk to him about the things I WANT to talk about, it would sound like so much spring rain pattering on the roof, light and inconsequential, fragrant but quickly disappearing. I'm not stupid, I know I'm intelligent and capable of deep meaningful conversation. I'm not bragging to say there aren't many men who can keep up with me mentally, much less blow past me like a freight train, leaving me shaking in its wake, the same way my office building shakes when a coal train rumbles by. No, this is no self-slam to say that he is beyond me, that those moments when my mind meets his are barely scraping the surface. His depth overwhelms me, and I crave more of it. The deep amber of his eyes provides a tunnel into which my mind could slide like Alice down the rabbit-hole, swirling and screaming with the handsovermyhead thrill of it, a grin plastered to my face not unlike Dan Radcliffe at the end of PoA, I know I can't go there. Because he won't let me. He can't afford another connection, for fear it will weaken the one he has. Or maybe he realizes the connection wouldn't be made, in spite of the fact that I disagree.

He's holding so much inside him, and I ache to peel away the layers, learn what he thinks about everything, what he REALLY thinks about this. And then what he thinks about other things, where his keen intellect takes the teachings of his childhood. I want to compare notes, see what he's come up with after years of the same indoctrination I've endured. He sees things on occasion, things around me in the chaos that is currently my office that he probably thinks are revealing - yet I don't believe he grasps what is revealed. What he thinks and what is true inside me are probably not close.

What do you know? There are mysteries that remain buried inside me as well. Who will peel away my layers? There aren't quite so many as there were this time last year, many have been peeled away permanently, and I'm still a bit raw in spots. So I'm in search of the soothing salve that will ease that rawness, that *rawr-ness* ~~ and it must be applied by someone who can stimulate the brain cells as well as my libido. The erotic witch inside is fully awake, and on the prowl. But I'm reigning her in a bit, or I'm going to try to anyway. Granted, all self-restraint seems to go flying down the hall at the sight of him, but I've been good these last few days. Maybe I can continue. And maybe the magnetic scottie-dog pull will ease a bit, and we can be buddies.

Or maybe there are things left undone......