*I haven't eaten properly in weeks

[mynewplace]

I haven't eaten properly in weeks.

I've lost ten pounds since we started working at the new building. Can't eat, can't finish my lunch, don't want any dinner.

There are days when the thoughts that come out of my mouth make me say "WoW! What the fuck? That needs written down!"

But I can't talk to Him. I can email, no problem. Short, long, full of innuendo or straight-on conversation, never have a bit of trouble. Tend to rein myself in just a bit, only because I know in some strange psychic fashion how much will be too much. And yes, in spite of the things we talk about, I believe there is a point where I could give him TMI and he would just stop talking. Part of me says that's not really the case. Maybe not. But better safe than sorry.

There are so many things I want to tell him, to talk to him about, but I don't dare push beyond that barrier. I know my heart would be lost should I get inside his head. Its halfway lost already, and I must grip what remains in my possession like the Real Estate mag I ripped to shreds today while he was in my office, talking to me. Better in shreds than lost to him. My hands were covered with purple ink, and the soft pads below each finger are tenderly painful from the grip I had on that mag. Took me two good scrubs to get all the purple off. Still, better than gripping his collar. Because the pull wasn't quite as strong today.

And it dawns on me as I'm driving home that I must stop. He's out of my league. He's so FUCKING intelligent it blows me away. There are times when I think that should I manage to speak, to really talk to him about the things I WANT to talk about, it would sound like so much spring rain pattering on the roof, light and inconsequential, fragrant but quickly disappearing. I'm not stupid, I know I'm intelligent and capable of deep meaningful conversation. I'm not bragging to say there aren't many men who can keep up with me mentally, much less blow past me like a freight train, leaving me shaking in its wake, the same way my office building shakes when a coal train rumbles by. No, this is no self-slam to say that he is beyond me, that those moments when my mind meets his are barely scraping the surface. His depth overwhelms me, and I crave more of it. The deep amber of his eyes provides a tunnel into which my mind could slide like Alice down the rabbit-hole, swirling and screaming with the handsovermyhead thrill of it, a grin plastered to my face not unlike Dan Radcliffe at the end of PoA, I know I can't go there. Because he won't let me. He can't afford another connection, for fear it will weaken the one he has. Or maybe he realizes the connection wouldn't be made, in spite of the fact that I disagree.

He's holding so much inside him, and I ache to peel away the layers, learn what he thinks about everything, what he REALLY thinks about this. And then what he thinks about other things, where his keen intellect takes the teachings of his childhood. I want to compare notes, see what he's come up with after years of the same indoctrination I've endured. He sees things on occasion, things around me in the chaos that is currently my office that he probably thinks are revealing - yet I don't believe he grasps what is revealed. What he thinks and what is true inside me are probably not close.

What do you know? There are mysteries that remain buried inside me as well. Who will peel away my layers? There aren't quite so many as there were this time last year, many have been peeled away permanently, and I'm still a bit raw in spots. So I'm in search of the soothing salve that will ease that rawness, that *rawr-ness* ~~ and it must be applied by someone who can stimulate the brain cells as well as my libido. The erotic witch inside is fully awake, and on the prowl. But I'm reigning her in a bit, or I'm going to try to anyway. Granted, all self-restraint seems to go flying down the hall at the sight of him, but I've been good these last few days. Maybe I can continue. And maybe the magnetic scottie-dog pull will ease a bit, and we can be buddies.

 

Or maybe there are things left undone......

Comments

[the-turtle-girl.livejournal.com]

Woo hoo! Is that ever a come-hither look. I hate to see you so twisted about by a man. I know he seems great but if he's not looking for what you are...

Well, I'll spare you the lecture you've probably already given yourself. Just be careful!

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm trying to be. Honest. Its very push and pull right now. And you're absolutely right. Seeming great isn't enough. I've seen enough of that in the last year to last me a lifetime.

[the-turtle-girl.livejournal.com]

Well, whatever the outcome, I hope you are happy, sweetie.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that. You know, what amazes me is how happy I am right now. Have been, for quite some time. In spite of the misery I went through when we first moved to this building, and despite the mood swings from hell, the happiness, the sweet burning anticipation and those little bursts of "OhGODYES!" are awesome.

[the-turtle-girl.livejournal.com]

:)

[soul-schism.livejournal.com]

Holy shit honey. Make that MY favorite pic too. Did you cross post that? I would. The look on your face is worth millions. Just quiet, calm, relaxed. Very pretty. very attractive, very matching the mood I see in your post.

You know what they say, right? If you put someone on a pedestal they can only go down. I know you are intelligent. I know the sane parts of your brain are probably at war with the emotional sides on this issue. I wish you luck in figuring it all out.

I am not more of a help at this time regarding things, I know, because I am working out, finally, so many of my own issues. But I can still listen.

-Shane

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Its posted on nekkidbbw. Someone I showed it to last night said something that really touched me. He said "Here is the thing. The pose is seductive, but your eyes are the eyes of a puppy dog, when he looks up at you for acceptance and love, not knowing how he will be accepted, not knowing the response of the other person. It's your eyes and face, you're the picture of vulnerability." Ouch. But yeah, kinda spot-on.

And I'm glad you're listening. I was worried that you perhaps hadn't gotten my email. But I think I said that, um, in the email. *sheepish* I COULD use a male voice in all this. But I think it would have to be someone closer to the action, to help me read the subtleties as they come to pass. Then again, it could just be the whole female tendency to overanalyze things. gah!

[soul-schism.livejournal.com]

Females aren't the only ones who over-analyze things; or I have some very female tendencies about me.

*wink*

I agree with that deeper look at your pic . . .

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

*muah!*

I think the BEST guys - of which you are no question one - have some very clear mental 'female' tendencies. The way they think, their sensitivity, their fascination with the mind and how it works leads to a capability to love on a level unsurpassed by a totally 'macho' man.

[o0twisted0o.livejournal.com]

I really love that picture of you, dollface. *hughughughughughuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug*

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks sweetcheeks! *wink*

[little-cthulu.livejournal.com]

I can only sit back in awe at the feelings your encountering right now. Iive never been so entrapped by someone that it fills my every thought. The only time ive come close to that is through rejection.
Ive seen a couple of pics of you but none that were really that clear and ive not realised it before but you have such beautiful eyes. They realy grab you and only for thier gentleness. It scared me how much it reminded me of the first part of one of my recent poems on elysian_whisper. It goes:

There’s a melancholy in her eyes, appealing
Like stars in the skies. Like oceans
Blue, deep. A deceiving calm
That tricks you into torrid waves

You can find the rest on www.livejounrnal.com/users/elysian_whisper

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Oh Kerry. THANK YOU. I am flattered and touched beyond belief that you would associate such beauty with a picture of me. I'll be sure and take a long look at the poem when I get home. *blush*

I think a lot of the intensity stems from a fear of rejection. I teter on edge, waiting for it, and every time it doesn't come, the relief is so overwhelming that it floods me with a tearful warmth of gratitude.

[little-cthulu.livejournal.com]

Perhaps there is a dark side of us that is drawn to it. Like a moth to a flame. Each time we reach for it, it burns so much that it throws us back but still we are drawn to it, to reach out once more.
Love is certaintly a roller coaster of emotions, but not to the point of punishment hun. It is a sad story when hurt is now an expectancy.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

The expectancy of pain is more from years of experience, than from any type of punishment he doles out. I am constantly relieved at how much he accepts from me. Each time I extend myself, I wait for the silence or the indication that he's rejected me, but he meets almost every extension with a humor that never fails to amaze me, because so many times I've stuck my neck out with someone only to be shot down. His continued interest is what keeps me coming back, and any pain I feel is based repeated rejection from others.

[little-cthulu.livejournal.com]

I cant help but have my reservations, and only for the safety of your own heart. Perhaps your hearst greatest triumph will be its greatest fall?
You said yourself he has the love of his life, when shit hits the fan whos heart would he rather break?
Assuming im thinking of the right guy lol
Dont think im here for a session of character assasination. I can only but imagine the bliss you feel to be embraced in small ways by someone thats taken your heart like he has. But how continued will this intrest be? Thats what you have to think, let it be in the back of your mind everytime you feel that flesh between your legs tingle and spasm when he catch his scent, everytime you find your tongue rolling between your lips in sweet anticiaption. Could you grab out and stop yourself from falling fast enough?
meow

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Meow indeed Kerry. This topic has been discussed in great detail. And I will repeat, I am reigning myself in. Very much so. The feelings I am experiencing are things I am frequently not acting on. And while my heart is not as firmly in my own hands as it once was, I still have a grasp of it. I am fully aware of the potential for pain on all our parts. Thus the restraint. And you will NEVER catch me playing the "poor little me-how could I get so hurt" card in this. Don't let the thrill of anticipation that you read cause you to miss the fact that I am being remarkably well-behaved overall. Were he here to ask, I do not believe there has been a single thing that I have said or done this week that could be considered sexually teasing. I'm QUITE proud of that fact. My mind alone has been the playground. And my heart remains safe, thus far.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

hmmmmmm *shiftyeyes* 'tis tempting, 'tis true...

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

Yes, that is a very nice pic. Seductive.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I see you like redheads. And pale skin. And green eyes. *hugefuckinggrin*

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

LOL... yes, I have a "thing for redheads". I can't tell, are your eyes green?

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Well, One is more green, the other is a bit more blue. They change according to how I wear my makeup and stuff. In pics they often come out looking blue because of the way the light reflects off them, but in real life they're VERY green.

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

Well I must say they are beautiful! (he says trying not to stare at her bossom)

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

LOL Thank you! Go ahead, stare. I'm used to it. In fact, here, I'll give you something to stare at.

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

LOL.. ok, now if I can keep from biting...

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

gasp! Oh, Don't be a tease!

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

Oh but I like to tease. I like to graze my teeth over those nipples, flick them with my tongue. Then make lazy circles around them.

Meanwhile my fingertips graze up along your inner thigh, then stops to ponder. Those fingers then graze up and down your inner loins, slowly, while a finger slides oh so softly along your slit. Waiting for you demand more of me.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

mmmm today's a lazy day. I could run my fingers up the back of your neck, scraping gently just inside the hairline and sighing into your ear. Maybe nibble just a little before I brush my lips down the muscle tensed in your neck, and shifting my hips to let your hand play as slowly as it wants.

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

oh, you hit THE SPOT. You've made me hard. can you feel it pressing against you. Notice my finger parting your wet lips, gliding from the lowest point up and through your wetness, then a slow circle once.. twice.. thrice around your clit, not realling touching it.

Meanwhile, my lips are moveing under your breast and kissing it's tender underside.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Just makes me arch my back and close my eyes to better enjoy it. It will be tough, but I'll bury one hand in your hair and massage your scalp to encourage your mouth on its travels, while I let the other one slide down to free that hardened muscle that keeps pressing against my thigh...

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

What I really enjoy doing... Is gliding my nose into your wet lips, moving it up and down and then burying it inside you while my tongue draws lazy circles around your clit. Maybe flicking it a time or two, but not too much, I want to enjoy my stay down there. And my two hands, have a firm grasp of each ass cheek. I'll need the leverage.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Yes you would, because you'd have me bucking against your face in no time. I can let a man lick my clit all day, but once something penetrates me, its allllll over . . . him.

I guess while you're busy, I'd probably entertain myself by wrapping my tongue around your cock and digging my fingers into your ass as well. I love to suck a man cown into my throat and tease him with my tongue while he's buried in that hot wetness.

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

ohhh, damn... you do that and I'll ahve to suck your clit into my mouth and have my tongue lavish long hard licks on it.

And with that finger in my ass, you had better be ready to drink my cum.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

If I've got a cock in my mouth, believe me, I'm ready.... heh heh heh

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

As much as I enjoy fucking you with my face, I'd have to safe some for my hard cock.

Let me slide around, grab an ankle in each hand and spread you wide so I can slip my cock into your wet, delectable, pussy.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

And much as I'D LOVE to sit here until I'm so wet I slide out of my chair, I'd better pack. I'll just imagine that cock pounding me while I'm driving up the interstate. Probably going to have to slip myself the finger in the meantime. Damn! I need this baaaaaad....

[doogooder.livejournal.com]

That's ok, I'll be fisting my cock into submission here in a bit... Enjoy your night out.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

thanks, sweetcheeks