My morning tears

[mynewplace]

I'm not stable. I know that. But I'm not sure why I let things get to me the way they do. A photographer who spotted me on livejournal suggested this morning that I look into onemodelplace.com, for a photographer in my area.

I'm not a model. I don't really want to be, not in the standard commercial sense. The word has such a huge, solid connotation that I can't embrace it. I can't put my finger on why, either. There are certain things involved that make me cringe, shudder and cry. "Marketing' myself. Approaching professionals cold. The need to pay them. (which opens up a whole other can of worms regarding money and my lack thereof, etc., etc., ad nauseum) The need to travel. Then after all that, the photographer might not 'get' me. If that were the case, then the pictures would be shit. My appearance in photographs seems to hinge on my projection of sexuality. If the sexuality is not evident, then the picture falls flat.

I can easily imagine being photographed by someone, because I've done it, enjoyed it, and want to do it again. But when I think about that enjoyment, there's the clear sense that I've been sought out. Much as the men would seek me out if I had a pay site. They would come to ME. Not the other way around. Even if I physically traveled to the photographer, as I considered doing with Andy, as I have done with Brian, as I want to do with Shane, and so many others - the difference remains. They have seen me already, they know what I am, and they WANT to bring it out of me. I don't have to throw myself at any of them.

I think it boils down to this. I don't have the self confidence, the time, or the money to be a model. The words 'amateur', 'nude' and 'fetish' all apply. But not the word 'model'.

But I'm grateful for the compliment.

Comments

[amok-about-sex.livejournal.com]

You are like Norma Jean. You make love to the camera, and whomever is on the other side of the lens. It is remarkable. Most people look at the plastic box and the glass eye. You look throug it to the heart on the other side. Even though that heart may not be there yet. That is why you touch people when they look at your images. They feel like you are looking at them.
I would get down on my knees and beg for that gift, darling. You exude sensuality, my beautiful one. :)
Kisses.

[tat2edsdgirl.livejournal.com]

You are beautiful, and if you can get a professional to take model-esque pictures of you, I say go for it. We need more plus-sized models in this world. We need to show the world that Big is Beautiful, and we can't do that if all the skinny bitches are doing the modeling.

Go for it!!!!!!!

**hugs**

[stixx123.livejournal.com]

You are a natural in front of the camera and whoever has the chance to capture that is lucky. You are a gifted woman....gifted with an ability that most photographers have to "bring out" of other models. I can understand where you are coming from with the word "model", but please know that you have an amazing ability to command the attention of anyone looking at the photos....and THAT is something that even the most gifted photographers cannot create or capture without their model/subject having that ability within them.....

Just wanted you to know my point of view....xoxoxoxox
--Andy

[cheeseater.livejournal.com]

You have a gift. It will not remain a gift unless you continue giving it. We all have different gifts. It's so nice when we can share.

[retro-rider55.livejournal.com]

I think I know you from your pictures better than you realise.

[soulfly1974.livejournal.com]

that is one sexy freckled back...

and yeah, I can understand what you're saying about the whole model thing... you do this for fun, basically...

hope you don't mind, I'm adding this journal to my friends' list; I already have the pics journal added... that is, if you don't mind...