My morning tears

[mynewplace]

I'm not stable. I know that. But I'm not sure why I let things get to me the way they do. A photographer who spotted me on livejournal suggested this morning that I look into onemodelplace.com, for a photographer in my area.

I'm not a model. I don't really want to be, not in the standard commercial sense. The word has such a huge, solid connotation that I can't embrace it. I can't put my finger on why, either. There are certain things involved that make me cringe, shudder and cry. "Marketing' myself. Approaching professionals cold. The need to pay them. (which opens up a whole other can of worms regarding money and my lack thereof, etc., etc., ad nauseum) The need to travel. Then after all that, the photographer might not 'get' me. If that were the case, then the pictures would be shit. My appearance in photographs seems to hinge on my projection of sexuality. If the sexuality is not evident, then the picture falls flat.

I can easily imagine being photographed by someone, because I've done it, enjoyed it, and want to do it again. But when I think about that enjoyment, there's the clear sense that I've been sought out. Much as the men would seek me out if I had a pay site. They would come to ME. Not the other way around. Even if I physically traveled to the photographer, as I considered doing with Andy, as I have done with Brian, as I want to do with Shane, and so many others - the difference remains. They have seen me already, they know what I am, and they WANT to bring it out of me. I don't have to throw myself at any of them.

I think it boils down to this. I don't have the self confidence, the time, or the money to be a model. The words 'amateur', 'nude' and 'fetish' all apply. But not the word 'model'.

But I'm grateful for the compliment.

Comments

[amok-about-sex.livejournal.com]

You are like Norma Jean. You make love to the camera, and whomever is on the other side of the lens. It is remarkable. Most people look at the plastic box and the glass eye. You look throug it to the heart on the other side. Even though that heart may not be there yet. That is why you touch people when they look at your images. They feel like you are looking at them.
I would get down on my knees and beg for that gift, darling. You exude sensuality, my beautiful one. :)
Kisses.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Oh god S. Thank you. That's so beautiful. And made me cry all over again! Which makes me laugh at myself. I'm such a sentimental nut. This is the kind of thing I want to keep forever. Can I quote you on my user info pages?

[amok-about-sex.livejournal.com]

Of course you can, luv!
But you have to fix my typo!!!
I didn't catch it myself ;)
*smooch*

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

No prob!

[tat2edsdgirl.livejournal.com]

You are beautiful, and if you can get a professional to take model-esque pictures of you, I say go for it. We need more plus-sized models in this world. We need to show the world that Big is Beautiful, and we can't do that if all the skinny bitches are doing the modeling.

Go for it!!!!!!!

**hugs**

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks honey. I don't know that I'll ever be able to get that done. I mean, Brian is a professional. He is coming this direction next weekend I think, but there's a chance I'm going to be out of town. I may try and stop on my way back, and see if I can find him. I really want to try another session with him, now that I know a little bit more what I'm doing.

[tat2edsdgirl.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

All you have to do is what you're comfortable with and go from there. If Brian is willing to take the pictures, and give you copies, all you have to do from there is submit them to various places. I've heard of magazines looking for women of our shape and size to be models. But, the easiest way to do something like this is baby steps.

I know you have a good sized support group online that would back you up on this type of venture, but, ultimately, it is what you are comfortable with doing.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

One of my primary issues with this is that some places require you to have a certain number of pics. Or at least a LOT of them. Like Tami's site, I think she requires like 50 pics or something. When the photographer is six hours away, its very difficult to even consider a regular trip to see him. Too much time and money is required.

I wouldn't mind looking into what they require, but I've still got my doubts. I'm very pessimistic regarding this sort of thing, much like I am with the whole book issue. I know its bad to feel this way, but I can't seem to help it. It takes me a long time to come around to a positive way of thinking in regard to certain things. Especially those things that require me to make an effort outside of what I'm now doing. Its not so much that I'm lazy, but that I know how much time things like that take, as opposed to how much I have.

[tat2edsdgirl.livejournal.com]

Yeah... six hours away and a high number of pictures does make it difficult to get your foot in the door.

I'll have to find the name of the magazine, and pass it on.

As I said, with this and the book, it's all baby steps and what you feel comfortable doing. You know that I wish you luck with it, no matter what you choose. =)

[stixx123.livejournal.com]

You are a natural in front of the camera and whoever has the chance to capture that is lucky. You are a gifted woman....gifted with an ability that most photographers have to "bring out" of other models. I can understand where you are coming from with the word "model", but please know that you have an amazing ability to command the attention of anyone looking at the photos....and THAT is something that even the most gifted photographers cannot create or capture without their model/subject having that ability within them.....

Just wanted you to know my point of view....xoxoxoxox
--Andy

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Oh Andy. I so APPRECIATE that point of view! I'm going to work harder to get up there and see you. I really want to see what you can do with me.

[cheeseater.livejournal.com]

You have a gift. It will not remain a gift unless you continue giving it. We all have different gifts. It's so nice when we can share.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

What do you suppose is that particular gift? All I really know is I'm a comfort creature. There are times when I can reach out to someone mentally and embrace them, and give them some of myself, which allows them to relax and sort of melt into me. I think of that as my empathic ability. It also manifests itself physically at times, but there again, its best experienced when the man comes to me, or makes the first move. I stand waiting, gazing into their eyes, until they place a hand on me, and lean forward to embrace me or kiss me. Then I feel this warmth that just flows out of me and envelops them. They relax into it, and I can sense that their mind is relaxing just as their body is doing. Its a form of love, I think. That seems to be what I have most to give, even when it manifests itself in sex.

[retro-rider55.livejournal.com]

I think I know you from your pictures better than you realise.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

That's interesting Stewart. What do you mean, honey?

[retro-rider55.livejournal.com]

Your eyes speak very well, even if you aren't in a sensuous space at the moment. The lady I would eventually speak to was the one I saw in your posts.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thank you honey. That's lovely. "Would eventually speak to" kinda throws me. You mean after you broke down the wall?

[retro-rider55.livejournal.com]

I guess that's an appropriate way to put it. 'Broke down the wall' Meaning having something more to say as commentary on your posts than how one would pound you through the mattress given an opportunity, as it were?

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry Stewart, I guess I don't understand what you mean. This is a particularly dense day for me, it seems.

[retro-rider55.livejournal.com]

Maybe I'm the dense one. I meant that I assume that by 'broke down the wall' was when we started communicating, or trying to, in ernest. Sharing some very weighty/private issues.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Oh. I see.

[soulfly1974.livejournal.com]

that is one sexy freckled back...

and yeah, I can understand what you're saying about the whole model thing... you do this for fun, basically...

hope you don't mind, I'm adding this journal to my friends' list; I already have the pics journal added... that is, if you don't mind...

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

No, I don't mind at all. Thanks!