My morning tears

[mynewplace]

I'm not stable. I know that. But I'm not sure why I let things get to me the way they do. A photographer who spotted me on livejournal suggested this morning that I look into onemodelplace.com, for a photographer in my area.

I'm not a model. I don't really want to be, not in the standard commercial sense. The word has such a huge, solid connotation that I can't embrace it. I can't put my finger on why, either. There are certain things involved that make me cringe, shudder and cry. "Marketing' myself. Approaching professionals cold. The need to pay them. (which opens up a whole other can of worms regarding money and my lack thereof, etc., etc., ad nauseum) The need to travel. Then after all that, the photographer might not 'get' me. If that were the case, then the pictures would be shit. My appearance in photographs seems to hinge on my projection of sexuality. If the sexuality is not evident, then the picture falls flat.

I can easily imagine being photographed by someone, because I've done it, enjoyed it, and want to do it again. But when I think about that enjoyment, there's the clear sense that I've been sought out. Much as the men would seek me out if I had a pay site. They would come to ME. Not the other way around. Even if I physically traveled to the photographer, as I considered doing with Andy, as I have done with Brian, as I want to do with Shane, and so many others - the difference remains. They have seen me already, they know what I am, and they WANT to bring it out of me. I don't have to throw myself at any of them.

I think it boils down to this. I don't have the self confidence, the time, or the money to be a model. The words 'amateur', 'nude' and 'fetish' all apply. But not the word 'model'.

But I'm grateful for the compliment.

Comments

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

What do you suppose is that particular gift? All I really know is I'm a comfort creature. There are times when I can reach out to someone mentally and embrace them, and give them some of myself, which allows them to relax and sort of melt into me. I think of that as my empathic ability. It also manifests itself physically at times, but there again, its best experienced when the man comes to me, or makes the first move. I stand waiting, gazing into their eyes, until they place a hand on me, and lean forward to embrace me or kiss me. Then I feel this warmth that just flows out of me and envelops them. They relax into it, and I can sense that their mind is relaxing just as their body is doing. Its a form of love, I think. That seems to be what I have most to give, even when it manifests itself in sex.