mynewplace | Entries tagged with pre-surly

I am so fucking bored. And so fucking sick of feeling this way. Fucking sick of my house, fucking sick of my job, fucking sick of my hurting foot and the sharp pains in my ankle and driving Brent's car which means driving back and forth too much and sick of having car trouble even though it's only been a few days. Run on sentence, anyone? Thank you.

My mind is random and do you know why? Well I'll tell you why. Because I'm fucking OVULATING. Yes, people. The damned eggs have found their way past the Essure thingys and are spreading their special brand of joy throughout my life. I know that it can take up to 12 weeks for the Essure to completely take effect, but talk about pissed. I don't WANT to ovulate. That makes me want to have a baby, and I don't want to want that. See how fucked up my brain is?

I have two new-to-me Coach purses, a new pair of shoes I can't wear, and a new sweater for Scarlett. I am through with ebay I think, although I have two more items that will be shipped once I pay for them. I am going to take pictures of the bag Leigh wants to sell and post it on ebay for her, along with some other things when she sends me the pictures. Notice I didn't say IF she sends me the pictures, because I know she will.

Okay, I'm too worried about getting caught blogging. So I've gotta go.

Fuck this. I'm so damned tired - and not just physically.

Mentally, I'm tired from chasing rabbits round trees...

"What if I die?"
"Why don't I care enough to lose weight?"
"What am I going to do for daycare when school starts again?"
"What if Harry dies?"
"I still can't afford this apartment!"
"I saw another roach last night! OMG!"
"I hate this place and I want to go home!"
"I can't stand to listen to that voice for one. more. word. dammit."
"I don't wanna fix dinner."
"Why am I grinding my teeth?" (duh!)

Much as I despise my period, I wish it would just fucking START ALREADY.

I'm so sick of this pre-surly gurl shit.

Other'n 'at, my day's gone fairly well.

Current Mood: grrrrrrr
Current Location: Desk of SUCK!
Current Music: Beach Baby, Beach Baby, Gimme Yer Hain'....

Hi there. Miss me?

I've been feeling ambivalent about the internet these days. My mouse hand gets numb if I use it much. All the other health and body issues I've developed of late have made me a bit more self-aware and frustrated. I've had pain in various body parts for years, but in the last few weeks the pain has become more pronounced and worrisome. My knees hurt EVERY time I take a step, and the pain increases the more I do, so that I'm starting to wonder if it's time for a visit to a specialist. My hips and ankles are in much the same condition. I haven't gained a lot more weight since the beginning of the year, but I can't seem to make myself give a shit about trying to get it off. Other attempts have failed. I am so disgusted with my life that food is one of the few pleasures remaining for me. I'm growing sick of my physical appearance, and tempted to withdraw from Brent's life so that no one at all will see me naked any more.

Self hatred is a lot harder to overcome than carbs and fats. The stress of all the aspects of my life which are out of control and out of MY control has me living on cortisol these days. I find it difficult to think about eating healthy when I can't afford healthy food and eating is the only drug that I can afford and use without the guilt of doing something illegal.

Scarlett's home, and we're having a nice time, despite events today that were frustrating. She's been very well behaved. I'm going to work tomorrow for a few hours - because I don't have enough annual leave to take four days off work.

I'm sure I'll start my period this week. The primary focus of my brain is food and pain. That's always the signal that the surly gurl is on her way.

Cold cold cold. Snowy cold cold and snowy.

Bleh.

Had dinner with my guy last night. We had a good evening. i've done a bit of laundry today, and slept. Ate some vegetables for dinner, have been a slug.

Am going to mom's church tomorrow morning, then to mother's house for the annual blessed Easter ham. I wonder what sort of theology I'll come up with sitting through Pastor Seth's sermon this year. I have to admit with some humor that I've come up withsome doozies in the last couple years. Look, I love God. I love the idea, I love the presence I feel, I love being loved. (when I feel it, which isn't always you know) But I don't love church so much any more. I did once. I had friends there, it was the highlight of my social life during my pregnancy and after Scarlett was born. But things got stressed at that church, I felt uncomfortable and left, then my parents left. I've not really found another church since we moved to Charleston, but I haven't looked, because I don't want to. I ~~LIKE~~ LOVE my Sundays. I don't think God keeps a church-attendance score. I actually had a man write me a note in a Bible class that said exactly that - God doesn't keep track of how many times you go to church - and I was overwhelmed with the simplicity of the truth. Trouble is, my mom does. Now that I'm past 40, I'm learning to let that go.

Thus I've had a quiet weekend. my hair's a mess, and I'm headed into PMS, cause I've got the fucking munchies. I need hot fudge. lol

Current Mood: unconcerned

D'ya ever feel like you're waiting for something? I do. Almost every month I get this feeling during PMS that I'm waiting for my life to start. Here's how it feels. Say to yourself "Just a few more months, and then..." You feel that anticipation that starts to swell? That's the beginning of it, but it's exacerbated because I have no ENDING to that sentence. I've been waiting for this "whatever" for years upon years.

Along that same vein, I had this thought a couple days ago: "How much longer am I going to have to buy these damned groceries?" The frustration was overwhelming, it almost had me in tears. Now I look back and of course have to say "What the fuck?" Because groceries? Um. Hello? All your life?? Damn.

But it's like that. Almost EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MONTH. Waiting for some unidentifiable something that has been "on it's way" since I was, I dunno, maybe 12? Or 17? Try and imagine the level of frustration that's built up inside me. Go ahead. Try.

Nope. Try harder.

Oh forget it. I'm waiting for my "ship" to come in, at a port that's been paved over for 15 years.

Be your own damn valentine.

Current Mood: angry

2 hour delay for the damned county schools. Honestly I don't have time for this shit.

I'm so sorry about Anna Nicole. Just breaks my heart.

It's ten p.m. and I'm ready for bed. I might even go ahead and go.

My Suzi is a fetch-cat. Thought it up all by herself, and suggested it to me one day, then suggested it to Scarlett just this evening. Our last dark grey tabby (who looked EXACTLY like Suzi) was a fetch-cat. A cat who can think up the game of fetch on her own is a pretty damned bright critter.

No word from Brent about tomorrow night, and I'm not gonna bring it up. The repair guy is talking about coming over Saturday to fix my ceiling. Turns out the leak is coming from the tenant upstairs' washer, not any pipes or tubing inside the apartment. Which means she's responsible for getting it taken care of. And it doesn't look like she's going to. I'm gonna get so pissed if this damned ceiling leaks after they repair it.

So pissed.

I feel like I've been on the verge of pissed for several days now. My jaws hurt.

Good night ya'll.

So, I'm doing taxes, and I'm doing laundry, then I disappear from the face of the earth. I mean, Leigh heard from me a bit, but as far as you all know, boom - I'm gone. heh

I'm going to try and have a really good week with Scarlett. We're off to a good start, no screaming on either of our parts, no temper, and that's the way it works most weeks of the month. So I have no reason to think this won't be a good week.

I'm going to try and pick up my prescriptions, and I hope I have a little left to pay a bill after. But I bet I won't. That's okay, I'll live, with or without cable.

My back is hurting in my kidney area, which likely means PMS is picking up speed, and I'll be on the downhill run this week. Bet it interferes with my weekend. I'd like to watch the Superbowl with Brent, but I don't know where he's gonna watch, and the timing of the game conflicts heavily with the schedule I follow on Sunday evenings, picking up Scarlett and taking her home to prepare for school the next day. Chances are good that I won't be watching football. Such is life.

Brent nudged me hard last night. You see, he has certain skills that are legendary, and not only within his own mind. But I don't mention them much here, or to anyone that I know, and that's mostly because I'm a jealous possessive harridan. It's MINE Itellyou! MINE! Well, he's been bragging on me to his friends, and he needs me to return the favor. Granted, if I ever MET any of his friends, my face would likely burst into flames because as all of you know, I am a filthy dirty girl.

F.I.L.T.H.Y.

I might not be kinky, but I'm dirty enough for two. So he said last night that he wanted me to write what had just transpired between us, and "tell them how fantastic I am. Tell Them. And then I want to read it, because the way you write, I know it'll make me hard." So I did. I wrote it all down, and I posted it over in bbw_literotica. I'm going to post it here, too, later tonight, because there's some preliminary information I want to include here on my journal. I'll probably lock it, since I don't know who reads this journal any more. And I think I'm going to put it in an email over at my photo group, too - those guys have an insatiable sexual curiosity.

And that's all the news that's fit to print right now, folks. I'm so tired.