(no subject)

[mynewplace]

SUNDAY

My daughter sang at a tiny country church this evening. Of course I attended, because I love my daughter and I support her in her efforts to expand her boundaries and improve herself. Most of all, I want her to be happy with me, as I am happy with her. So I do what I can.

As I expected, the sermon was preached directly at me. How could I expect such, you ask? Oh, that sweet young boy who spoke didn’t know me from Eve. Or perhaps, do you think, I was reading too much into what he said? No, it was plain and simple. I am doing things in my life that go against every single thing I have been taught from the cradle. I have no right to ask the God that I believe in to give me anything. I was put on this earth for his purpose, and I am, according to what I’ve been taught, expected to live according to that purpose to the best of my ability no matter what lot I am given. Be it solitude, crippling pain, depression, mania, single parenthood, no matter the lot, I am not to waver from those basic laws that have been laid down for me. Through this life, I am expected to gain knowledge and spiritual depth by enduring these things, and a multitude of others.

I’ve chosen to attempt, through years of adulthood, to live the way I was expected in order to gain what I thought was my heart’s desire in life. I’ve tried to be what I thought God wanted me to be, tried to live according to the tenets of the church I attended. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve failed. I’m human, I expected no less. But when I would manage to conduct myself as a Christian for any length of time - we’re talking years at a time - I would find myself continuing to fail in the single aspect which mattered to me most. That of being a mate. So instead I have chosen to veer from that path.

I was invited tonight to return again to the fold of Christianity. If I will set aside everything that currently brings me a modicum of satisfaction, comfort, happiness, pleasure, emotional growth, spirituality or even a brief smile to my face, I will at some indefinite point in the endless reaches of timelessness achieve eternal life with my Creator. I am asked to ignore and overcome all those desires that have been embedded in my heart from the beginning. Ignore the desires that I was taught God gave me, as well as the baser ones that are buried within my flesh. At this point in my life, that would mean give up any semblance of sexuality or pleasure. In order to properly do that, I would have to give up the internet, my journals, most of my online friendships, and most of my writing.

I made a conscious decision to refuse to return. I am not currently happy - I won’t pretend that I am. But I have experienced more contentment in the last week than I have known in many years. In the 15 months since I’ve gone off my medication, I have learned volumes about myself, the workings of my mind and heart and body. The life I’m choosing to live flies in the face of my history and upbringing. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. I have had some second thoughts since hearing that sermon. But the contentment is a strong draw to remain as I am.

MONDAY

In other news, a dear friend is going through a rough spot right now. This friend is in the process of having a secret exposed, that could ruin his work and home life. I am aching to talk with him, but I’ve told him that I will not contact him again until he contacts me. Any word from me could cause him to be nervous, for fear of further discovery, so my wants are secondary. But the mental distraction of wishing I could help him has left me restless through the last two days.

A couple of friends have drifted away, and that has saddened me. Brian in the Netherlands has stopped writing. He’s not the only one. I miss my friends, but I’m trying to respect their chosen distance. More mental distraction and restlessness. In turn, I’ve seen myself withdraw somewhat as well. I came across a picture of a handsome man in Wisconsin this weekend, and I was saddened all over again at the loss of that friendship. I still feel that if I hadn’t broken things off when I did, I would have done it at some later point, and we would have hurt one another more in the meantime. It was just too much.

Other friends here on lj, or online, are noticing my distance. To those of you who see this, I apologize. Its not that I don’t love you, or want to talk to you. I’m simply having trouble getting words down right now. I think that’s evidenced by the content and infrequency of my posts of late. This one took two days, and is lacking my usual sparkle.

Comments

[nemecic.livejournal.com]

The thing that has gone wrong with Christianity is that people meddled and messed up everything. My grandmother - that Cerberus of a person - had the notion that I would be a good person only if I was sent to Church every Sunday to listen to the sermons.

To go to church and listen to the priest speak in one archaic form of Greek about something that has changed so much in the centuries by people that I bet it has nothing to do with what Christ really preached in his days.

I refused. We had fights upon fights and at the end, things went my way. But I did something else. I studied the Bible (even if it doesn´t show *grins*) and I came to a conclusion: If you strip it from the junk that goes "...if you look someone in the wrong way you´ll end up in hell...", the thing that remains is: "Love your God and love your fellow human being as you would love yourself." I think that if someone follows that, will not have problem with his or her life. Well, at least, that´s my opinion...

Hugs and Love
Valia

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Your Bible-reading shows, sweetheart, as does your study of the multitude of other things you've read. Your brilliance, intellect and beautiful heart are the REAL reasons I continue to hang on to you. The fact that you're fuckin' hawt and share several mental and sexual twists with me is just icing on the Val-cake. lol