(no subject)

[mynewplace]

SUNDAY

My daughter sang at a tiny country church this evening. Of course I attended, because I love my daughter and I support her in her efforts to expand her boundaries and improve herself. Most of all, I want her to be happy with me, as I am happy with her. So I do what I can.

As I expected, the sermon was preached directly at me. How could I expect such, you ask? Oh, that sweet young boy who spoke didn’t know me from Eve. Or perhaps, do you think, I was reading too much into what he said? No, it was plain and simple. I am doing things in my life that go against every single thing I have been taught from the cradle. I have no right to ask the God that I believe in to give me anything. I was put on this earth for his purpose, and I am, according to what I’ve been taught, expected to live according to that purpose to the best of my ability no matter what lot I am given. Be it solitude, crippling pain, depression, mania, single parenthood, no matter the lot, I am not to waver from those basic laws that have been laid down for me. Through this life, I am expected to gain knowledge and spiritual depth by enduring these things, and a multitude of others.

I’ve chosen to attempt, through years of adulthood, to live the way I was expected in order to gain what I thought was my heart’s desire in life. I’ve tried to be what I thought God wanted me to be, tried to live according to the tenets of the church I attended. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve failed. I’m human, I expected no less. But when I would manage to conduct myself as a Christian for any length of time - we’re talking years at a time - I would find myself continuing to fail in the single aspect which mattered to me most. That of being a mate. So instead I have chosen to veer from that path.

I was invited tonight to return again to the fold of Christianity. If I will set aside everything that currently brings me a modicum of satisfaction, comfort, happiness, pleasure, emotional growth, spirituality or even a brief smile to my face, I will at some indefinite point in the endless reaches of timelessness achieve eternal life with my Creator. I am asked to ignore and overcome all those desires that have been embedded in my heart from the beginning. Ignore the desires that I was taught God gave me, as well as the baser ones that are buried within my flesh. At this point in my life, that would mean give up any semblance of sexuality or pleasure. In order to properly do that, I would have to give up the internet, my journals, most of my online friendships, and most of my writing.

I made a conscious decision to refuse to return. I am not currently happy - I won’t pretend that I am. But I have experienced more contentment in the last week than I have known in many years. In the 15 months since I’ve gone off my medication, I have learned volumes about myself, the workings of my mind and heart and body. The life I’m choosing to live flies in the face of my history and upbringing. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. I have had some second thoughts since hearing that sermon. But the contentment is a strong draw to remain as I am.

MONDAY

In other news, a dear friend is going through a rough spot right now. This friend is in the process of having a secret exposed, that could ruin his work and home life. I am aching to talk with him, but I’ve told him that I will not contact him again until he contacts me. Any word from me could cause him to be nervous, for fear of further discovery, so my wants are secondary. But the mental distraction of wishing I could help him has left me restless through the last two days.

A couple of friends have drifted away, and that has saddened me. Brian in the Netherlands has stopped writing. He’s not the only one. I miss my friends, but I’m trying to respect their chosen distance. More mental distraction and restlessness. In turn, I’ve seen myself withdraw somewhat as well. I came across a picture of a handsome man in Wisconsin this weekend, and I was saddened all over again at the loss of that friendship. I still feel that if I hadn’t broken things off when I did, I would have done it at some later point, and we would have hurt one another more in the meantime. It was just too much.

Other friends here on lj, or online, are noticing my distance. To those of you who see this, I apologize. Its not that I don’t love you, or want to talk to you. I’m simply having trouble getting words down right now. I think that’s evidenced by the content and infrequency of my posts of late. This one took two days, and is lacking my usual sparkle.

Comments

[gryfforin.livejournal.com]

I so feel you on the whole resolving faith and desire thing... it's a tough line, a really tough line. I won't even go into how I'm looking at it, because it works for me... though it's not the "Christian Way" but I do want to point out... Christ doesn't ask for us to be perfect when we come to him. He asks that we follow him to the best of our abilities.

All have faltered that have followed him in their walk and there will never be another that makes the perfect walk. Now, I'm not trying to prostheletize (or however you spell it) but as you mentioned Christianity and some uncertainties, I just am telling you, I don't think sinning should be a reason to stay away from church - not even church per se, but the Christian faith.

Now, if you have issues with the doctrine, that's another thing... but we're all sinners hon... every single one of us.

okay, I think that's all the "bible thumping" I can muster for today.

As for friendships, I do this far too often, look back on the names and faces that have come in and out of my life. Of varying importance, some of whom I can barely remember anymore unless something specifically calls that image forward, and it saddens me -- a lot.

I don't know. Life is about change... be it death, moves, or just growing apart it's transitions we all have to go through. Don't have to like it, I certainly don't, but yeah... just know it happens. I think withdrawing at times is natural too, though just be careful you don't withdraw too far into yourself. We all need other people, we're social creatures, and your daughter isn't the social interraction I'm talking about either ;)

oprah, dr. phil, jerry faldwell ::shudders:: signing off.

::hugs::

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

LOL Yep, you sound a bit like the three-in-one there, Stac. But you're right on many counts, and I appreciate your outlook, your honesty and willingness to share what you believe, and your support most of all. Thanks honey.

[gryfforin.livejournal.com]

you were supposed to tell me I didn't come across as a bible thumping person, I certainly didn't mean to...

slinks away too lazy to change the icon this time. forgive the hypocrisy

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Honey, I'm sorry I didn't tell you what you needed to hear. But truth is, even with the Falwell bit, you DON'T sound like a thumper! You've never struck me as that type at all, so I didn't even let it cross my mind this time.

You sound a lot like me, to be honest. There's a lot of truth to be found in that Bible, and I'm not afraid to spout it when I feel the time is right. So pull outta that slink, pussycat, and toss that head back. You rock babe.

[gryfforin.livejournal.com]

oh, hehehe, I was kidding darling... I'm souped up on caffeine and have a feeling that I won't even be intelligent enough to crash tonight.

Such is life. Glad I don't come across as a thumper... I happened to have read that bit about free will and don't particularly believe in ramming ligion down someone's throat.

[raydeoaktiv.livejournal.com]

Too many people have an overly literal interpretation of Christianity. Unfortunetly, that's almost entirely Christians. That's why many people say horrid things about Christianity...cause they're not intelligent enough to reinterpret the Bible to fit modern times. So you have idiots running around saying, "If you touch your naughty zone, you'll burn in Hell." and trying to "recruit" new followers. Ugh, the worst kinds of scum on the planet. Glad you didn't listen.

I hear ya on the friends thing. Sometimes we all need our distance...that guy needs some, and lately it seemed like you needed some. Glad to see things have been going better lately though. :D

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I do continue to need distance, and I'm glad that you haven't written me off because of that. I'm also glad so many others here have chosen to stick around as well. It does my heart good.

[retro-rider55.livejournal.com]

Dearest, I'm so happy for you as you must have been at your darling's recital. You said so little of it yet I could feel the warmth you must have experienced; thank you dearly for sharing your joy with us.

As to your faith I don't want to step on any toes in spite of consumptively strong feelings on the subject. Christ only once spoke in outright fury or any sort of outright condemnation at all, once, at genuine blasphemers; the ones outside the temple who twisted it's purpose to their ends. As to 'the flesh', all he did re the woman brought before him was to tell her 'go, and sin no more'. The fact that you are there should mean you have your priorities straighter than most. I just wish Christendom would speak more of spousal (or any, for that matter) violence than the 'sin' of pleasure, as has been it's history.

You have been a comforting shoulder for all of us to lean on, taking strangers like myself under your wing in a heartbeat, dear. Some of us lean too hard, but that doesn't seem to make any difference to you; if the weight slows you down you still keep going nonetheless. Slowing down is nothing to apologise for.

You've been wonderful, Anita; your track record is still terrific. You are allowed to slow down once in a while.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks honey. The vote of confidence is always appreciated.

[gynophile.livejournal.com]

S'okay, love; really. *mwaah!*

p.s. Do you think my answer to nemecic's query will be satisfactory?
I'm not sure where she grew up; have to dig & see if there are any clues ( I'm an overworked L J-er...).

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Regarding bluegrass? Yes, sufficient. She is Greek, born and bred, tho she attended university in England. She may or may not be familiar with bluegrass, but you have her enough info to look it up if she wanted. Not sure if Beverly Hillbillies is a rerun over there, but if it is, she'll recognize the reference.

[nemecic.livejournal.com]

The thing that has gone wrong with Christianity is that people meddled and messed up everything. My grandmother - that Cerberus of a person - had the notion that I would be a good person only if I was sent to Church every Sunday to listen to the sermons.

To go to church and listen to the priest speak in one archaic form of Greek about something that has changed so much in the centuries by people that I bet it has nothing to do with what Christ really preached in his days.

I refused. We had fights upon fights and at the end, things went my way. But I did something else. I studied the Bible (even if it doesn´t show *grins*) and I came to a conclusion: If you strip it from the junk that goes "...if you look someone in the wrong way you´ll end up in hell...", the thing that remains is: "Love your God and love your fellow human being as you would love yourself." I think that if someone follows that, will not have problem with his or her life. Well, at least, that´s my opinion...

Hugs and Love
Valia

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Your Bible-reading shows, sweetheart, as does your study of the multitude of other things you've read. Your brilliance, intellect and beautiful heart are the REAL reasons I continue to hang on to you. The fact that you're fuckin' hawt and share several mental and sexual twists with me is just icing on the Val-cake. lol

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I have a nice collection of fellow-Baptist-kids here, so welcome to the fold. We've suffered a certain indoctrination that few others have experienced, except perhaps the full-gospel kids. I've found that its made me curious about what everybody else believes, since it was pounded into my head from very early on that nobody else was right. I'm constantly trying to prove that theory wrong.

Thanks for your input. I hope you enjoy the ride on the rollercoaster of my mind!

[mrarthursimon.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this is the time or place for this, but its interresting none the less. Believe in believing. Organized religion is just....wrong. I hate to say it, but it is. In my opinion at least. There is not supposed to be a "middle man" between you and God. I totally agree with what you say. My 20 years of life have taught me little, however, they have taught me that man is fallable. Do what you feel is right and damn everyone else.

Unfortunetly, people drifting away from one another is nearly unavoidable. Best friends from school you don't see after graduation, friends you meet online take personal time to themselves to get things straight, people you meet in life break attachments. It seems the tighter you try to hold them, the more they slip from your grasp. Not much can be done. Chersish what you have while finding new friends. Not to replace the old persay, but to ease the passing of the old to the new. Some return, infact, after a while, many return. But some will be lost. As saddening as it is there shall be others. Some better, some not. But none will ever be able to be quite like those that found that place in your heart that made you happy. There will be others that make you happy, but no two people can make you feel the exact same way. That's just how happiness works.



But hey, what do I know, i'm just a kid with a crush. Heh, :) XD

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Well sweetie, you seem to know a lot, crush or no crush. I agree with everything you've said, and I'm flattered that you've taken the time to voice your opinion here. Thank you.

[shadowitch.livejournal.com]

There's no need for your posts to sparkle - every part of you shines anyway.

My faith teaches us "Do as thou will, so long as it harms none" There are no guilt trips, only personal responsibility to be taken for each and every decision, choice and act we make, with the hope that we learn something from everything we do.

If the Christian ethos is to be accepted at face value, only about 6 people currently alive will ever reach Heaven. There is much beauty and much wisdom in the teachings of the Christian God yet there is also much hypocracy, viciousness, cruelty and moralistic judgement. A child in a fit of pique says "God is a Poopyhead" and is damned forever unless he or she repents - what true loving Deity would ever damn a child? Taking that one step further, are we not ALL the children of the Creation? What parent would see it as just and proper to arbitrarily damn their own children because of a mistake, whether or not redemption was also made possible?

In my faith of the Craft of the Witch, we are told to expect that we will make mistakes, as all children do. We are shown that it is right for us to acknowledge those mistakes, try to fix what we have done wrong and learn from the experience in a positive and growing way. There is no guilt and no punishment per se. Above all, we are shown that we are loved unconditionally for who we are and we know that we will return to the arms of the Mother at the conclusion of our mortal existence. There is no forgiveness for there is nothing to forgive - all is seen and understood and accepted and learned from.

Eternal guilt and punishment, versus eternal love and acceptance of our worth and beauty - I know which one I would choose. No wonder my faith is the fastest growing in the world right now.

Blessings of the Mother to you, dear friend ............ Shadow

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, this faith of yours is a stronger draw to the beliefs of the Goddess than any I have ever witnessed. While I see my personal God as very similar to your Goddess, not many view God this way. Understanding the teachings of the Judeo-Christian belief system doesn't mean I hold to all of them, and that's probably why I don't attend anywhere any more. No Protestant teaches what I believe. I know how real love acts, and its much more similar to the Goddess you describe. I choose to believe my God loves me that way - and yes, I also believe your Goddess loves me that way as well. The suffering in life, I think, comes as the result of choices made, consequences which must be accepted as the lessons of which you speak. I'm so glad I know you Liv. You're opening up a world to me that I'm sure will bring great wisdom.

[shadowitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you love. I must sound so dogmatic at times but I can't seperate my faith from the rest of me - I don't put on a robe and become a witch, I am one. I'm afraid it tends to show through a bit in everything I say and do.

Each of us must find the Deity in their own way. May your search finally lead you to yours.

Blessings .......... Liv