Polyamory, Jealousy, and not-so-pretty things.

[mynewplace]

I am not polyamorous. There was a time when I thought I could be.

I fell in love with a woman once. She was the first woman I was ever sexually attracted to. She was beautiful, intelligent beyond comprehension, and had a brilliance about her that shone right through the computer screen. We were friends, and it seemed the more we talked, the more we found we had in common. She brought out a protective feeling in me, a desire to walk into her life and try to fix what was wrong, defend her and drive away her demons. She was bi, often said she preferred women, but never expressed a sexual attraction toward me. I realized one day, quite surprisingly and suddenly, that I was sexually attracted to her. It floored me, and gave me an incredible feeling of freedom. I didn’t tell her, but I did confide in her lover, because we were close friends and I knew that he could help me understand my feelings. He was good at that. He told me not to mention it, because there wasn’t anything I could do about it, and why expose myself and risk rejection? She never seemed to feel the same way about me, I always figured I wasn’t her type. But I loved her. On many levels.

I came to love her lover even more. I saw a niche in his life that I filled in a way he said had never been filled before. I loved being special to someone who was so alive and so breathtakingly beautiful inside. And I knew him well enough to realize that one lover really wasn’t enough for him. One couldn’t meet all the needs he had, couldn’t fill all the places in his heart and soul that he needed filled. He was the poster-boy for dichotomy, an incredible sparkling explosion of multiplicity; a sweet boy who ached for comfort and acceptance, a dark intense man who craved violence, reveling in the vengeance he inflicted on the scum of the earth, and a wicked demon who longed for pain with an unholy passion. She met a lot of his needs. His job met a lot of his needs. And I met one, too. You can barely imagine the satisfaction I found in being something important to someone like him.

I listened to the woman speak with longing regarding a girlfriend. While her lover was fulfilling and exciting, there was something else she craved as well. I wanted to be that ‘something else’, to see where that love would take me, to see if the sexual chemistry was possible in person. In my little mental utopia, the three of us fulfilled one another’s needs and had the most awesome polyamorous life ever imagined. Imagined, dreamed, it was all pretend. In reality, she was kept in the dark, despite my pleas and my conviction that it COULD work if I’d just be given the chance. And in reality, a pretty blonde thing popped up, much to my horror, and neatly stepped into the spot I wanted.  For those few of you who are reading this and have heard PBT used in reference to this man, I'm the one who gave him that nickname.

She didn’t get the girlflesh she craved. I didn’t get the experience I tossed and turned over. But I looked at that as proof that poly could work. And I thought for a long time that because I had once felt that way, it meant that I was capable of multiple relationships, and of sharing someone.

There are still certain people that I think I could share. Take what they were willing to make available, and look elsewhere for the remainder of my needs. There are certain people I know that I could have a wonderful time with and walk away completely happy with the encounter. No regrets, just "Wow! I needed that!". Yes, there are still certain polydelicious people that I want to experience. And not just for the sex - oh no, far from that! (And not just for the pictures either. You two would be well-billed as the "Kula Experience". A weekend of fun and games!)

But when it comes down to a relationship, the real long-term thing, I’ve realized that I still want to be the only person someone wants. And I’d like that person to the be only one that I want. I’ve been there, I’ve known that, and I liked it. I have a jealous streak that’s not pretty. I’ve seen it pop up in some inappropriate, awkward places. Like the middle of the hall at the office, over a skanky bottleblonde who touches men and pouts when she talks. She’s a joke amongst those who know her, an object of ridicule and could never have half the relationship I have with the man she was with in the hall. Not only did I know this in my heart, it was confirmed repeatedly that very day, in a million tiny ways. I didn’t show the jealousy, but mygod it was there. Grinding my teeth and stomping my little foot in my office afterward "I can’t believe she touches him! I KNEW I wasn’t the only one who thought he was hot!" I covered it well, teasing him about the bimbo and making him laugh.

I know I’ve bitched about other people’s jealousy toward me here before. And I make a point not to mention how I’m feeling when I’m jealous, especially when I have no claim on the person. Because there are few things uglier than a petulant remark about ‘your OTHER friends’ or what have you. When the speaker has no intention of making you the center of their focus, the implication that they should be YOUR one and only is offensive. I will always ask for less than I am willing to give. And I’m not the type to insist that all other friends be eliminated. I can’t bear to be suffocated, and I’m not about to do that to somebody else. I keep thinking of all those people who have found their ‘someone’, the love of their life, as Brent refers to Tisha. I’m not that. I’m not the girl that men stay with. And it’s a painful awareness to possess. The pain and jealousy stems from the idea that if I can’t meet all your needs, what if you find someone who can? Where does that leave me? Right back where I started, where I’m most miserable. And nothing can seem to eliminate that fear, except constancy, reliability, and time to prove ourselves to one another.

Jealousy is an ugly thing. And before you write me off because of a single personality trait, I remind you that just because I can be jealous doesn’t mean I’m jealous over YOU. When I do suffer with the green-eyed monster, I hide it well, under a blanket of sarcasm and self-doubt and a reluctance to get close for fear of getting hurt. This is what’s under my shell, what’s beneath the layers I’ve often spoken of. I had my doubts about posting this, after sleeping on it. But I’m going to do it, because its part of me. A part I’m learning to control, to subdue, and possibly repair at some point. I don’t show the ugly parts much, but no one doubts that they exist.

 

Comments

[dragong.livejournal.com]

I don’t know if I could ever share… I have never been jealous in my life about something that involves my relationship with someone, from a romantic point of view. Maybe because I never really felt so in love. But when I want something, I want this to be mine and mine alone.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean honey. Good to see you over here, too.

[dragong.livejournal.com]

hey, how come I never see you on MSN any more?

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

It died. A file was deleted, how I'll never know, but I have tried to reload it, and the computer won't accept it. I don't have the Windows 2000 disk to reinstall it, so I had to abandon MSN and Hotmail. I use Yahoo almost exclusively now, although on occasion I will sign in over at AOL as well.

Have you seen Dimitris online lately? I am really missing Valia, but the last email she sent said she was writing me a nice long email. I've never heard from her again.

[dragong.livejournal.com]

Well, I see her MSN username online sometimes, but since both she and Dimitris use it, I expect her to see me and talk to me first.

She has disappeared, yeah. I miss her too. She must be very busy...

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I always assumed the same thing, that it was Dimitris if she didn't say something. He used to sign on to Yahoo too, back when I was still using MSN, but he hasn't been online in ages on Yahoo.

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

Usually, I'm not a jealous person. If I'm dating someone, I have this confidence in them that they will remain faithful. BUT, if I think some girl is coming on to them and I see them responding to her attentions, I get very, very jealous. And it's not pretty. and I don't hide it well.

I think I could be polyamorous with the right people, but it could never be the kind of relationship where my lover was seeing someone else or married to someone else and seeing me without their knowledge. Everyone would have to know; everyone would have to participate. Otherwise it would drive me insane.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

My father cheated on my mother. And I've had a man cheat on me. I would like to think I could trust again, but I haven't been given many chances. I trusted 'Seph, and I trusted Jon. That's about it.

Yeah, I couldn't do it if there were secrets involved. Because where there is one secret that I know about, there are always others that I don't.

(This response deserved a better icon. lol)

[weibchenwolf.livejournal.com]

*snugs*It's good to see that you're able to look at yourself and begin to see who and what you are. I don't 'get' not being able to be poly, but that doesn't make it wrong. Hell, once I was the most jealous bitch on Earth. I still can be. But for me, the idea of loving just one, of that 'just one' only loving me seems...strange and restrictive.

*snugs lots*I think you're on the path to helping make yourself happy love. Go you!

[weibchenwolf.livejournal.com]

Hmm....talk about putting something badly. I don't mean to say that being a jealous person makes you monogamous or anything. I just was pointing out that jealousy and polyamoury can go together. Not that I was clear...

I think I need a coffee. What do you think?

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Yes, I believe you need a coffee. But my question stands. LOL

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I'm curious. What do you get jealous about, if you don't expect anyone to love only you? Doesn't that include looking and flirting and so forth?

[weibchenwolf.livejournal.com]

Well I used to be jealous because of insecurities. I'd 'worry' all the time about those I loved being with others; even if there was nothing sexual there. Mainly I was worried that I wouldn't be part of it. I was clingy, needy and depended on others totally for my self worth.

These days I can still get jealous, but mostly it's jealous simply because others have what I can't have. It's not the consuming, taking all my time jealousy, but more a 'fond' jealousy of 'oh...lucky bitch'.

Not sure if this makes any sense.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

It does make sense. I was like that a lot too. I guess I still am, at times, because I wonder sometimes what it is that other people 'have' that makes a man stay with them. And I want that, crave it, whateverthefuck it is. It makes me angry as hell that I can't figure it out, despite being intelligent and perceptive. Its like all that I have is worthless to me, because it can't bring me this one thing. Oh God. That hurts. I'm gonna go cry some more now. I'm sorry, Lisa. I don't want you to think that you've done something to upset me, I've just managed to upset myself again. Its all part of the process of self analyzation, I suppose.

[thehangedman.livejournal.com]

Poly is often, and, for many, situational rather than a necessary lifestyle choice. And even poly people feel jealous at times. I'm not a very jealous person at all, but I can get jealous.

I'm sorry for the short comments today. I'm feeling a bit hyper at the moment.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I'm not bothered by short comments sweetheart. I appreciate you coming by. *kiss*

I overcame a lot of my jealousy several years ago. So I've been surprised by the intensity of the feelings I'm getting toward some of these guys I know. I'm sure part of it has to do with being off Depakote. Everything is more intense now.