The End with Jon

[mynewplace]

I slipped downstairs this morning at around 6 to curl up on the couch for a while. Soon after falling asleep, I dreamed the phone rang, and I got up off the couch and walked across the room to the piano to answer. It was him, calling me for the first time, nervous and unsure, talking a little too fast. I don't remember what he said, but the warm feeling of finally hearing his voice stayed with me all morning. The phone would make him more real to me. I long to talk to him, just to hear him once, or twice, just to prove to myself that he's genuine. A man, out there somewhere, who thinks enough of me that he'll take the time to touch base. I need to move on. But there is nothing to move on to. I'm so tired of all this, trying to meet someone, trying to remember that I'm desirable. He's talked of meeting me this week "if" this, and "after" that. I deserve better. Even I can acknowledge that. How can I not be resentful? How many millions of people find time to dedicate to another person on an infrequent, sporadic basis? I'm not asking to come first. I'm not even asking for an entire day or evening. Just a few hours that are important enough to be scheduled and kept. Not tentative possibility. Its common courtesy. I know it. And sure, I am tempted to hold out for someone with the decency to take a tiny bit of time and dedicate it to me. But for god's sake people, I've been holding out for 40 fucking years. Who can blame me for wanting to settle for someone who seems nice and interesting and smart and attracted to me? At least on a limited basis. I can put him aside and wait, and become more miserable than I am because I stood up for some principle that I don't really want to adhere to. Or I can allow myself to become an afterthought, and perhaps relegate myself to the back of someone's mind, where he can drop by on occasion, when he 'finds the time'. No. Its too degrading. Even for me.

EDIT: Well, for those of you who want to know - my decision to refuse his offer to meet me "sometime after his appointment" some evening this week, and instead request a definite time and date for our first meeting was met with his decision to end the correspondence. I've gone back on my word to accept whatever he was willing to give, and as a result I've asked too much. Have at it, folks.

Comments

[little-cthulu.livejournal.com]

Im proud that you stood up for your heart. If this meant that he didnt want to continue the correspondance then after the heartache it will seem worthwhile. What life would it have been to live in the anticipation of a call?
Its too degrading. Even for me.

This upset me the most. Words that seem to want to paint a picture that you arent worth some kind of happiness. That you live off the scraps off affection. Perhaps thats not its full intention, but Anita. You MUST have faith in yourself. No one deserves that. You arent asking to much and you must stop trapping yourself in the hope that you wont offend, that you may scare them off. To find true love, true happiness you have to be true to yourself.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, Kerry. I appreciate the encouragement, I truly do. And need it more than I can say.

I think that the picture you see is just slightly skewed. Its not that I'm not worth it, its more than I have lived off scraps for so long that its a whole new concept to me, for me to stand up for myself and insist on decent treatment. And the word 'scraps' was exactly what I used in my email to him, funny you should choose that word as well. I have allowed myself to be degraded in the past to the point that I had no self-respect remaining. But no more. That old person is gone, thank God. Its still new to me, this behavior, but I have to accept that there will be a lot of pain involved in standing up for myself.

[little-cthulu.livejournal.com]

But to allow yourself to live off these'scraps' means you cant have thought an awful lot about yourself. Rather that you thought too much of people who werent willing to be as generous. But, moving on is what your best to do. Good for you.
I was reading a random journal once and i loved the title and subtitle of it. I think it fits rarther well

Thou shall not place a kiss with numb lips
..To hell with disspassionate embraces with lustless lovers

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

No, Kerry, its well established that I DIDN'T think much of myself at all. That's the reason I mention these sorts of things here in livejournal. To emphasize the changes that have taken place. I don't ever want anyone to doubt that I am a different person than I once was.