Valentines Day sux
Feb. 9th, 2005 07:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mynewplaceAnother weekend is looming, and the stress of anticipating it has my back in knots. The pain takes my breath, with a grinding in some obscure joint back there that feels as if I'm shaving off bone when I move. I hate weekends. Their only redeeming quality is the quietness that fills the house and allows me to eat what I want, when I want, rise and recline when I want, watch what I want on t.v., and write to my heart's content.
Dread of Monday fills me, and no amount of pushing it to the back of my mind succeeds in keeping it at bay - big red hearts keep popping up in my head like balloons, scaring the bejesus out of me. Little shocks of fear hit me between my widened eyes and I'm paralyzed. I fucking HATE Valentines Day. I always have. This one is different only in respect to the fact that I've received a lovely Valentine already here on LiveJournal. I had managed to appreciate that and promptly forget the holiday, until Jon mentioned it in passing, in the email o'doooooom. He said "Valentine's Day is coming up next week, and I know you'll want to be wined and dined and all that" and I fought an urge to throw up. Ever since that mention, its been popping up, *boiiiing* and making my throat close to fight the tears. You see, he DOESN'T know me. Not in that respect. He doesn't know that I would infinitely prefer a Coke at McDonalds to wining and dining. I'd rather spend an evening checking out his business, and watching him pull a program together than going on a 'date', to the movies or out to dinner. I'd rather sit at home and check out a DVD, throw a meal together in the kitchen, or go for a drive than go to a club or a concert. (Except for a comedy show - I can NOT say NO to comedy!) I guess you could say I'm a homebody, but its not that I don't enjoy doing those other things. Its just - that's not what I want right now. I like getting out, I do like to get dressed up on occasion, but I dress most every day for work. I'm not looking for a date. I'm in the market for a long term, real-time, face to face friendship.
It's a lot to ask. I know, I know, I need to move on. But no matter who I move on to, it isn't going to change what I want. Someone who will talk to me, listen once in a while, laugh with me, and someone who wants to be with me on occasion. Wants to bad enough that they see their way clear to pencil me in for a couple of hours, will not assume that I want more than they can give, will see what I want and find that maybe that's possible. Someone to go to lunch with me, or sit down and watch a football game. Somebody who takes the time to find out that I LIKE football, and baseball, and local college basketball - tho I'm not as rabid as my dad and stepmom. Who finds out that I'm a sci-fi girl but I haven't seen The Trilogy yet, and takes an afternoon to watch it with me, just somebody to hang out with once in a while. Not every day, not at first. Because that will come, once "whoever it is" figures out that I add something they want to their life. I can't write any more, I'm crying too hard.
Angel in Blue
J. Geils Band
We met in a bar
out on Chesapeake Bay
with her white patent boots
and her blouse - red lame’
a tabletop dancer
she would smile on cue
ah, those lips of an angel
angel in blue
She’d been dancin’ for ages
In cities of bars
she was kickin’ the habit
of scorin’ in cars
she’d been drained of her spirit
all caged up at the zoo
Wildcat angel
angel in blue
And as she stared out into nowhere
I thought, yes I thought
She might break down and cry
When I whispered I thought
I could love her
She just said
"Baby, don’t even bother to try"
And I watched as she spoke
her words chilled my bones
all her friends did her favors
that were really just loans
and she never had dreams
so they never came true
the fairest of angels
angel in blue
and the bees they had stung her
the birds they had flown
there were guys she could number
but none had she known....
and she never had dreams
so they never came true
my fadeaway angel
angel in blue
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-09 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-09 05:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-09 07:59 pm (UTC)Which?
Valentine's Day is just another day. A stupid, annoying day when reminders of the fact that you're alone get shoved in your face, but just another day.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 07:12 pm (UTC)I think Jon will watch it with me. *shiftyeyes*
mwahahahahahahaaa
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 01:27 am (UTC)But LotR . . . Those you should watch.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 04:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 05:55 pm (UTC)You're not alone...
Date: 2005-02-09 10:03 pm (UTC)No one really knows what the fuck St. Valentine did and no one really cares. It's another holiday for people who ARE in relationships to rub it in the faces of those who are not. Bullshit!
**Hugs**
Re: You're not alone...
Date: 2005-02-10 03:45 am (UTC)*hugsback*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-09 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 03:44 am (UTC)so darling
Date: 2005-02-10 08:24 am (UTC)Re: so darling
Date: 2005-02-10 08:55 am (UTC)