Codeine

[mynewplace]

There has been a bottle of codeine cough syrup on my dining table since Scarlett was sick last year. Most of the time I ignore it, on occasion it crosses my mind in a fleeting thought before my attention zings off.

Last night I had a nagging deep cough that kept jarring me awake as I'd drift off. I was up late and feeling wired, fretting that I'd never sleep. And suddenly the bottle filled my mind, backlit like Cybill Shepard when she was Moonlighting. I took a mouthful, and crawled back under the covers.

No more coughing.

When I awoke two hours later, I was overwhelmed at the wash of sweet pleasure I'd tried so hard to push out of my mind these last months. All was right in my world, my body was filled with peace, my thoughts were sweet and kind. As I laid back down after a restroom visit, I prayed "Lord please let me feel like this all the time" before I chastised myself for asking Jesus to give me drugs. I drifted back into oblivion, and although I was awakened perhaps twice more before morning, at each awakening I purred with contentment, wrapped in those warm narcotic arms.

The morning was good, and only in those last few minutes before I started the Grand Am did I grow impatient and growly with my daughter. After several second thoughts, I grabbed the bottle and brought it to work. Ostensibly for the cough, which hasn't materialized yet. It's strongest at night, when I'm exposed to the cats and when my sinuses are inclined to drain back instead of forward.

In truth, I'm configuring an excuse for another mouthful. I ache for that feeling that I can conquer the world - take yoga and walk a mile at lunch, eat a salad and quit drinking Diet Coke. I crave the relaxation of muscle and mind. I'm broken-hearted at my lack of joy now that the narcotic effect has waned.

If I can go months without it, how can I be an addict?

Comments

[gymorama.livejournal.com]

*cough* *cough*

ahem...

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Get thee behind me....

[gymorama.livejournal.com]

Bend thee over!

[anita-margarita.livejournal.com]

The day before I had surgery a few years ago, a friend who'd had the same procedure called me and said, "Morphine is your friend. Hit that button." She was right.

To paraphrase the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "Drugs will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no drugs."

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

If I had codeine on a daily basis, I'd lose 80 pounds.

[padiwack.livejournal.com]

Who says you are an addict?

Better living through chemisty, all things in moderation, yadda,yadda,yadda...

Hope you are feeling better soon, with or without the drugs, Doll!

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks... I am actually feeling pretty good, although I'm more stiff since the drug wore off. But I still wannit. The addict would argue that my craving (which never fully goes away) and the way I feel invincible while on it are signs of addiction. I even called a hotline about it before I was pregnant, because I knew codeine was supposed to make me sleepy, not make me want to get up and clean my house and sing and take my dog for a walk. The hotline lady said "Uhh, no. You're NOT supposed to feel that way. You might be taking too much." And I said "Ya THINK? Igottago."

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling all to well. There are days when my motto is "give me Lortab or give me death," and I mean it. I really really mean it. Such is the life of someone with no knees and a proclivity for addictive behaviour. Woe is I.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Another instance where if you had it regularly, you could function far more normally. I'm not even certain it qualifies so much as addictive in that sort of case. I understand the "really really mean it". I'm enough the same way that my mother does, on occasion, give me her Lortabs. When your mom's your pusher, you know you've got something wrong.

[pocketlama.livejournal.com]

I've gone months without any and yet I still think about it and wish I had it... Sucks... Sometimes it was the only thing in my day I looked forward to; the only time I *knew* I wouldn't feel lousy and depressed... I'm intellectually glad I stopped, but god damn, I want more!

For me, that *does* make me an addict.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

It's like covertamerican says; pain wears you down.

[pocketlama.livejournal.com]

Yes, "sometimes it just be's that way, don't it?"

[covertamerican.livejournal.com]

We have a wonderful over the counter medication called "Solpadeine Plus" and contains.... you got it.... codeine.

Works a charm when I am hurting, but does make me drowsy. However, maybe you're not addicted to the drug. Maybe you just get some fargin pain relief and actually feel like a functioning human being. Pain can wear us down immensely.

Just some thoughts.

((hugs))

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

That's exactly it. The pain actually lingers, but I just don't give a shit, and I can work through it. It's like those people who are given a morphine patch. It helps them function normally.

I didn't realize you could get it otc in Britain too. Canada has become such a tightass that I have given up hope of getting it there.

[amian.livejournal.com]

Funny... I've never cared much for codeine. But oh, lordy, do I love the darvaset. I had a bottle left from my surgery for the longest time. I didn't take it often because I was hoarding it, but it was nice to know it was there if I ever felt really tense or ouchy and wanted to sleep the sleep of the angels.

I could SO be an addict. And to tell you the truth, I'm not so sure what is all that bad about being addicted if a person could always be assured of an adequate supply. My husband is addicted as shit to prescribed Klonopin, but it doesn't cause him a bit of trouble because his doctor prescribes him what he needs. (Just to be clear, the klonopin is prescribed for chronic anxiety... it's not a Dr. Feelgood situation or anything.)

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I understand. I could truly be an addict too, if I lived in Canada and could get it over the counter. In fact it depresses me a little when I think about it, because transport rules and border rules have become so stringent.

My problem is that while it can make me sleep, it also makes me feel SO damned good during the day. THAT is how I know I'd have trouble with it, if I took it on a regular basis.

[mastermindsgirl.livejournal.com]

I tiptoed along the edge of a narcotic addiction a while back, for reasons similar to what you've described. When I take an Ultracet, or a Lortab, or a Percocet, or some codeine cough syrup, I feel like I can deal with anything- and not just deal, but come out on top. I feel friendly and personable and relaxed. On drugs, I feel like I want to feel all the time.

If I had access to narcotics, I would have a very serious problem. Being the reasonable person that I am, I deal with those feelings like I pretty much deal with all the other feelings that cause inner turmoil. I tell myself they don't matter, and I ignore them.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

On drugs, I feel like I want to feel all the time.

Me too. And also the rest of it. I have had a serious problem with codeine in the past. I even used to tell doctors that I was allergic to it, because I knew if they prescribed it I'd abuse it. Then I stopped caring again.