Wednesday

[mynewplace]

Somebody in Chattanooga Tennessee is reading my journal.  A lot. 

I talked to a guy down there once, for about two days.  He wasn't real bright and eventually his girlfriend wormed her way into the mix and I dropped him like the shit he was.  So I don't really think it's him.  He's too stupid.

I'm not worried about it so much as curious. Who the hell is paying attention to me? It's like having a popcorn hull stuck in my brain. 

Scarlett won a young writers contest at school, and will be representing her school's fifth grade class.  Don't know any more details than that because I've never seen the permission slip or the information hand out. I go through all the papers in her back pack about every other day or so, but this one escaped me somehow.  Mom signed the permission slip yesterday when she picked Scarlett up for her orthodontist appointment. So she's going to participate, but I'm growing increasingly frustrated with this shit. She's going to end up having her patrol belt taken away if she gets many more behavior slips. (and that means NO TRIP TO WILLIAMSBURG)   I'm going to have to schedule a meeting with her teacher and the principal in the next couple weeks. I want to tell them about my concerns that she's not ready for middle school.  It EATS at me to think of her being held back from her friends, but honest-to-God I don't think she can handle it yet.  She was complaining last night that she thought I was going to give her more responsibility. But as I told her that she has to prove she can get herself ready for school before she receives any further privileges, her mind wandered.  I don't think it got through.  She did go to sleep early last night, that was marvelous.  She played outside yesterday afternoon, and I know that is crucial, both for exercise and for mental stimulation. She's always more tired after she plays outside. And she MUST be tired in order to sleep well. So.  

Brent is so sweet.  I hate that he feels so disconnected from everyone and every thing. He's talking about therapy, but I'm afraid that the talk is just that - along the same lines as "I need to quit drinking."   I'm not giving him enough in-depth analysis, and my emotions are getting in the way.  He's coming over this evening after work. I plan to ravage him.   *nod*

Okay. I think that's all.

Comments

[anita-margarita.livejournal.com]

This is something I've been curious about and since you brought it up, I can ask you: how do you know someone in Chattanooga is reading your journal? I know that apparently there is a way people can check their "statistics" and see how many people look at their journal and where they're from, but how do you do that?

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I have a free account with a service called LJ Toys. http://ljtoys.org.uk/ It takes some setting up, but it will track your readers IP addresses.

[el-jefe59.livejournal.com]

I'm not worried about it so much as curious. Who the hell is paying attention to me? It's like having a popcorn hull stuck in my brain.

You never know who could be out there. Having an online journal is kind of like having 15 minutes of fame.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

It's quite true. When I was posting pictures all the time I felt like Miss Popularity. I think I like it better now that I know most the people who read, though.

[reallyamermaid.livejournal.com]

OK, this is your call to snap out of something. Yeah, I'm being a jerk again but I try to devote my energies to my real talents, which include being a jerk. Actually, that's pretty high on the list.

"I'm not giving him enough in-depth analysis, and my emotions are getting in the way."

This is why it's totally unethical for therapists to sleep with their clients. Emotions WILL get in the way. That's why there's a rule against it. You're not his therapist, you say? Then quit thinking that it's your duty to provide in-depth analysis for him. An understanding of the man as you get to know one another better is wonderful. In-depth conversations are wonderful as well. But you thinking that you're going to don a cape and single-handedly save him? And if you don't work hard enough, he won't be saved? And if you just worked a little harder and paid a little more attention to him everything would be better?! SLAP!

SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!

You can sleep with him or you can be his therapist. And if you want to be his therapist, I can have some colleges send you brochures about the programs they offer which might qualify you for this. Right now, you're perfectly qualified to sleep with him.

This is not about being a good girlfriend who's there for her man. Look, he doesn't even want to call you his girlfriend. He wants (and needs) a therapist. He also wants pussy. I think he's right on both counts. But that can't be wrapped up in one neat package. Quit putting a bow on your head and making him think he's received everything he needs all in one box!

Now that you hate me, I'll say that I have spoken like this because I care about you. You're taking too much on. You're demanding too much of yourself. Hell, you're letting someone else demand too much of you. And you're lapping it up. You're asking for more! You're saying you didn't do a good enough job! Please beat yourself with a wet noodle for me. You're there as a friendly ear and a comfortable shoulder. You're there if he wants you to be his girlfriend. You are not his therapist. You are not his priest. You are not his sponsor.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't have taken up so much of your space here. Stand up for your damn self and change the dynamic of the relationship.

SLAP!

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Now wait a minute Courtney. Sure, I've given him some analysis because that's pretty much what I do - for all my friends. "Friendly ear and comfortable shoulder". That's how I roll.

I'm not saying that it's my duty, or even that I want to provide him more in-depth analysis. I'm saying I'm not capable of it. I'm well aware of that, and so is he. And neither of us hate ourselves or each other just because I can't do it. It's a huge relief for me that he now understands that I've reached the end of my tether with him. In fact, he came to the realization that "Anita can't do this for me" all on his own, and he knows it's because I love him. And most importantly to me, he's not shoving that love away any more.

That said, he is the one who has decided that he needs therapy. This isn't the first time we've discussed it, but it's the first time he has said it without prompting, and without the usual argument about "I don't want to pour myself out to someone who doesn't give a shit about me." "Whom I have to pay."

And that said, I still have my doubts that he will follow through. He is impossibly slow. Drives me fucking NUTS, but once he's chewed it over for six months or a year, he might very well go through with it.

And I'm totally not mad. Be a jerk, speak your mind. I do it all the time, I'm a total bitch, and proud of it. Welcome aboard!