Shut UP Brain!
Dec. 5th, 2006 02:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mynewplace(I wish I had a Pinky & The Brain icon)
I have a multi-track brain. This was a source of amusement during my childhood, when I would lull myself to sleep with two different songs in my head at the same time. I would concentrate intently to try and get my brain to go blank. I could never maintain the silence very long.
My brain slowed down substantially when I had Scarlett. I lost my concept of the passage of time, could no longer track it without a watch or clock, and could no longer carry on a conversation while reading a book. While I still had a conversation or song running in my mind during most of my day and night, when confronted or asked point-blank for specific information my brain would freeze. In fact there are many times when Brent asks me "What are you thinking?" And I am incapable of telling him, because I'm either not capable of interpreting the symbols into words, or there will be nothing in there. Just nothing. Sometimes my eyes will dart about the room looking for SOMETHING to think about when he asks me this. I'm cracking myself up, but I digress.
Any time I get my brain firing properly, and get any kind of work going, my brain starts to talk to itself. THIS is where I get into trouble, because the primary thing my brain talks to itself about is the person it views as my significant other. Unfortunately my brain retains this information, often dropping important things in the process (such as bills due or appointments or phone calls that need to be returned) and it also validates the information. As in, my brain becomes convinced that it is true, and it is the source of many an argument between me and whatever man I happen to love.
Again I digress, because the point today is I've got this huge discussion that I need to have with Brent outlined in my head. It's probably premature, but another problem with me is everything FEELS like it's crucial, must be done now because *insert future event here* is coming up and if we don't talk about it before THAT then all will be lost the world will come to an end and life as I know it will be over. And that future event can be something as obscure as a Friday, or weekend, or Christmas or New Years.
And there TRULY IS a regular sense of impending doom inside me, if such-n-such doesn't occur then there's no point in going on with life. Do you have any concept how frustrating that can be, when I know that it's bullshit?
SO anyway, I need to sit Brent down over some pork chops and mashed potatoes and tell him that if he ever hopes to feel some personal sense of value he's going to have to start doing things for other people once in a while. He's going to have to give up the price of a fifth and use it to buy some random Secret Santa child a present or something. He needs to stop looking to George Jones songs for life inspiration and start paying closer attention to Johnny Cash. He needs to give some more serious thought to what he wants out of life, get a grip on this damnable all-or-nothing attitude and start reaching for some more achievable goals.
Dammit.
I have a multi-track brain. This was a source of amusement during my childhood, when I would lull myself to sleep with two different songs in my head at the same time. I would concentrate intently to try and get my brain to go blank. I could never maintain the silence very long.
My brain slowed down substantially when I had Scarlett. I lost my concept of the passage of time, could no longer track it without a watch or clock, and could no longer carry on a conversation while reading a book. While I still had a conversation or song running in my mind during most of my day and night, when confronted or asked point-blank for specific information my brain would freeze. In fact there are many times when Brent asks me "What are you thinking?" And I am incapable of telling him, because I'm either not capable of interpreting the symbols into words, or there will be nothing in there. Just nothing. Sometimes my eyes will dart about the room looking for SOMETHING to think about when he asks me this. I'm cracking myself up, but I digress.
Any time I get my brain firing properly, and get any kind of work going, my brain starts to talk to itself. THIS is where I get into trouble, because the primary thing my brain talks to itself about is the person it views as my significant other. Unfortunately my brain retains this information, often dropping important things in the process (such as bills due or appointments or phone calls that need to be returned) and it also validates the information. As in, my brain becomes convinced that it is true, and it is the source of many an argument between me and whatever man I happen to love.
Again I digress, because the point today is I've got this huge discussion that I need to have with Brent outlined in my head. It's probably premature, but another problem with me is everything FEELS like it's crucial, must be done now because *insert future event here* is coming up and if we don't talk about it before THAT then all will be lost the world will come to an end and life as I know it will be over. And that future event can be something as obscure as a Friday, or weekend, or Christmas or New Years.
And there TRULY IS a regular sense of impending doom inside me, if such-n-such doesn't occur then there's no point in going on with life. Do you have any concept how frustrating that can be, when I know that it's bullshit?
SO anyway, I need to sit Brent down over some pork chops and mashed potatoes and tell him that if he ever hopes to feel some personal sense of value he's going to have to start doing things for other people once in a while. He's going to have to give up the price of a fifth and use it to buy some random Secret Santa child a present or something. He needs to stop looking to George Jones songs for life inspiration and start paying closer attention to Johnny Cash. He needs to give some more serious thought to what he wants out of life, get a grip on this damnable all-or-nothing attitude and start reaching for some more achievable goals.
Dammit.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-05 11:40 pm (UTC)Maybe you could suggest Brent join you and get something together (I know you can't spend your own funds, necessarily.... but you could be the "gift consultant" and he could be Santa).
I think when people are depressed (as he seems to be), reaching out beyond the dungeon wall of self can help.... Brent: Try it. You might like it. (That's me talking, there, not suggesting you actually say that.)
yes,
Date: 2006-12-06 12:15 am (UTC)thank you!
Date: 2006-12-06 12:19 am (UTC)Re: thank you!
Date: 2006-12-06 02:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-06 02:44 am (UTC)He can start here...
Date: 2006-12-06 12:28 am (UTC)Re: He can start here...
Date: 2006-12-06 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-06 02:51 am (UTC)In other news, yes, Brent does need to get a grip or he'll look back and it won't be pretty.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-06 03:02 am (UTC)