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mynewplaceIt was nice and warm this morning, but now I hear rain running down my support column, and my hands hurt. I'm cold, but I suspect its just as much from angst and woe than anything else. I feel sick as a fucking dog, but I'm here today.
No word from the asshole, but after a drunk like last night, he probably didn't make it in. Or he'll be in late. I'm NOT calling his voice mail to find out.
I'm NOT.
Dammit.
I've sent and deleted two emails to him since last night, and I'm sick to death of trying. So I'm gonna lay low for a couple of days. I've been weepy and angsty and he's been upset over it because poor thing, it "makes him feel like he did something wrong". He's right. I DO deserve better.
You know what?
That's been the excuse of many men who have left, or not bothered with me. Apparently, THAT is my curse. Too good for everybody, either in my mind or theirs. How pathetic.
Pavanne is admonishing me to "maintain my mystique" because I'm too needy of him and men hate that, especially weak selfish men like him.
So fuck my needs. Yet another story of my life.
Maybe the Ativan is making me inordinately weepy. When I take it, I don't cry so much, but once it's worn off, the waterworks are increased tenfold. And I'm sleeping like the dead, tired all the time. Codeine works SO much better at lifting my mood.
He owes me money, or a chest of drawers. He's no happier with me in his life than he was without me. That's a good reason to leave him alone.
No word from the asshole, but after a drunk like last night, he probably didn't make it in. Or he'll be in late. I'm NOT calling his voice mail to find out.
I'm NOT.
Dammit.
I've sent and deleted two emails to him since last night, and I'm sick to death of trying. So I'm gonna lay low for a couple of days. I've been weepy and angsty and he's been upset over it because poor thing, it "makes him feel like he did something wrong". He's right. I DO deserve better.
You know what?
That's been the excuse of many men who have left, or not bothered with me. Apparently, THAT is my curse. Too good for everybody, either in my mind or theirs. How pathetic.
Pavanne is admonishing me to "maintain my mystique" because I'm too needy of him and men hate that, especially weak selfish men like him.
So fuck my needs. Yet another story of my life.
Maybe the Ativan is making me inordinately weepy. When I take it, I don't cry so much, but once it's worn off, the waterworks are increased tenfold. And I'm sleeping like the dead, tired all the time. Codeine works SO much better at lifting my mood.
He owes me money, or a chest of drawers. He's no happier with me in his life than he was without me. That's a good reason to leave him alone.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 05:36 pm (UTC)But intoxicating at the same time.
Which is a toxic combination.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 06:35 pm (UTC)You are a strong woman, you don't need that guys crap...
Love ya
steph
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Date: 2006-12-01 08:41 pm (UTC)I especially like your words "and listen to Him". Ya know what, when your ears and your mind are full of thoughts about the one-who-takes-all-your-energy, you can't. You literally have to clean out your house, heart, and mind so there is room. At least for me, my head was so full of Sean that there wasn't room for ANYthing else.
SS, it hurts. It hurts a lot - you see me whining :) but it's a far shorter pain, and the kind of pain that will HEAL - far faster than the one you and I have been living through all this time. And just think of the joy that will be on the other side. Joy that will make your life richer AND your daughter's. How coolio is that :)
Cmon girl. We can do it.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 11:23 pm (UTC)