Waiting for life
Aug. 20th, 2006 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mynewplaceI just finished watching Under The Tuscan Sun - a movie I've wanted to see since it debuted in the theaters. I loved it, as I knew I would. It made me ache for the kind of life I've always longed for - the kind of life where you have the resources to spend time making a home for yourself, carving out your personal niche in a community and forging relationships that have meaning. Of course the deeper meaning of the film isn't lost on me, and it, too, is something I've always longed for. I long to see the life I love grow up around me while I'm in the process of living it, even if I'm in the process of healing from great hurt.
I had a little taste of that this week, and I think the movie just underscored that for me. I often feel that I don't have time to do the simplest things, to keep up with my surroundings and my finances and my home, and as a result one thing suffers while I attend to another. They're never on an even keel, with all the issues in my life at peace at once.
This week I was given permission to rest, and as a result I found the time and energy to do some things in my home that had been sorely lacking. Normally I am exhausted most weekdays and have no energy to run the sweeper, keep up the laundry, change the bed or keep the kitchen clean. Because I had hours upon hours of free time, some of these things got done, much to my delight. When Scarlett's behavior issues escalated and I had to bring her home, it caused my focus to shift to her, and the house took a back seat again. When my focus is on Scarlett, financial issues often come to the forefront as well. It seems the easiest way to stress me about money is have my child in close proximity for extended periods of time. It's a constant reminder that I can't afford a lot of our basic needs; and a constant frustration to attempt to get through several days in a row in a frugal manner.
My finances have become a source of fear in my everyday life even when Scarlett is NOT present, so I can feel that fear building as the weekend rolls into another week of work. Because of this fear, I can sense the veil dropping over my mind again, shielding me from the realitites of my life so that I can function in my job on Monday. The veil of "I won't think about that right now" is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind between paychecks, the only thing that allows me to ignore the calls of creditors when I know I have no more cash to distribute until next time. Trouble is, when Scarlett's around, the veil of denial tends to shut me away from her as well. She doesn't require constant supervision, but I DO like to spend some time with her during the day that isn't filled with "Please don't do that; think before you act, honey; what was that noise?; be sure and clean that up please; have you brushed your hair today?" etc etc etc. When the veil falls, the time we spend is too quiet, and my mind is too muddled to properly function on any level above the most basic.
Life is what happens to you everyday while you're waiting for something exciting. I'm not pleased with the direction my life is taking. I know, that means it's time to change it, but I still feel like my hands are tied, preventing me from changing things in the ways that matter. I worry that I've wasted this summer. Fall's on it's way, and it's time to refocus once again, and work out exactly what I AM capable of doing during the school year.
I had a little taste of that this week, and I think the movie just underscored that for me. I often feel that I don't have time to do the simplest things, to keep up with my surroundings and my finances and my home, and as a result one thing suffers while I attend to another. They're never on an even keel, with all the issues in my life at peace at once.
This week I was given permission to rest, and as a result I found the time and energy to do some things in my home that had been sorely lacking. Normally I am exhausted most weekdays and have no energy to run the sweeper, keep up the laundry, change the bed or keep the kitchen clean. Because I had hours upon hours of free time, some of these things got done, much to my delight. When Scarlett's behavior issues escalated and I had to bring her home, it caused my focus to shift to her, and the house took a back seat again. When my focus is on Scarlett, financial issues often come to the forefront as well. It seems the easiest way to stress me about money is have my child in close proximity for extended periods of time. It's a constant reminder that I can't afford a lot of our basic needs; and a constant frustration to attempt to get through several days in a row in a frugal manner.
My finances have become a source of fear in my everyday life even when Scarlett is NOT present, so I can feel that fear building as the weekend rolls into another week of work. Because of this fear, I can sense the veil dropping over my mind again, shielding me from the realitites of my life so that I can function in my job on Monday. The veil of "I won't think about that right now" is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind between paychecks, the only thing that allows me to ignore the calls of creditors when I know I have no more cash to distribute until next time. Trouble is, when Scarlett's around, the veil of denial tends to shut me away from her as well. She doesn't require constant supervision, but I DO like to spend some time with her during the day that isn't filled with "Please don't do that; think before you act, honey; what was that noise?; be sure and clean that up please; have you brushed your hair today?" etc etc etc. When the veil falls, the time we spend is too quiet, and my mind is too muddled to properly function on any level above the most basic.
Life is what happens to you everyday while you're waiting for something exciting. I'm not pleased with the direction my life is taking. I know, that means it's time to change it, but I still feel like my hands are tied, preventing me from changing things in the ways that matter. I worry that I've wasted this summer. Fall's on it's way, and it's time to refocus once again, and work out exactly what I AM capable of doing during the school year.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-20 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-20 02:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-20 04:58 pm (UTC)If I could I would so hug you!
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Date: 2006-08-20 07:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-20 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-23 11:26 pm (UTC)I haven't read much of your LJ as yet (I'm reading it backwards) but I do relate to being a single parent (my daughter is now 20).
I understand exactly what you mean when you wrote "I'm not pleased with the direction my life is taking."
And I also loved Under the Tuscan Sun for many of the same reasons.
blissed be
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Date: 2006-08-24 12:02 am (UTC)If you have any questions, (and you probably will) feel free to pipe up. I love questions.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-24 12:18 am (UTC)kewlio cos I love answers...
no subject
Date: 2006-08-24 12:21 am (UTC)