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Tuesday - yucky day
Apr. 10th, 2007 11:22 amI hate these first few days of the surly week. I really SHOULD be at home. But I stayed home yesterday, foolishly and without real reason, thus I cannot overcome the guilt in order to take yet another day. So here I am, struggling to get from one thought to another.
This is a bad week, money-wise. It's rent-due week, and my landlord hasn't yet called, so I'm toting around impossible amounts of cash in my wallet. I bet the landlord is on vaca for spring break. I'm SO glad I get paid again on Friday. I would not make it otherwise. I'm going to go home for lunch every day this week, I think. (That's a lie. I bet I go to McDonalds as soon as I finish this post.) EDIT: Oh yeah. Mom is looking in the paper for apartments for me. She found a trailer, but I'm afraid it might be too far in the wrong direction. Still, it's nice, since I'm not up to looking myself right now. I'm tellin' ya - first few days of surly, I think in pidgin English. Just. Can. Not. Process.
I have to try and tackle my house this week as well. A little at a time, every evening after work. I wish the need to straighten up would come to an end somehow. In my current state the idea of straightening up for the rest of ever makes me incredibly tired and sad. What a fucking drama queen.
I wish I had a heating pad. I must force myself to buy one next good payday, because very soon Scarlett will be needing one as well.
I'm wishing an awful lot. That's never good.
My therapist seems to think that my inability to trust any man with whom I am in a relationship is a problem. Frankly, I don't see it at such. Not at all. Why should I ever completely trust anyone with my heart? When have I ever not been disappointed? He wants to address it again at our next visit. It's not like I don't eventually trust, I merely go through a long period during which I check up on any activity I view as suspicious. My therapist is very good at veiling his opinions, but he has trouble hiding this one from me. There's a touch of incredulity in his voice and face when we talk about what it takes to convince me that a man is trustworthy. Okay, so I require years and a series of sound proofs before I begin to relax, before I stop double-checking every questionable phone call or absence. What woman over 40 doesn't have trust issues?
Our psychiatrist recommended a therapist for Scarlett. Her office called today to try and fit me into a cancellation, but I still have $220+ on my family deductible (surprise to me!) so I couldn't afford the visit. I'll see her next month, then Scarlett will see her the following week. I like that they want to see me first to get an idea what issues I feel need to be addressed. I think I'll like this therapist.
Okay, I just re-read that paragraph about my own therapist. I realized that I've been trying to get some sort of "read" on his opinions ever since I first met him. He is indeed VERY good at hiding them, and I'm glad, because that's crucial if a therapist hopes to be impartial and effective. And it amuses me to think that I've finally gotten some reaction from him, especially over something as simple as my trust issues. It also amuses me that I'm becoming more aware of my efforts to "read" people. I must have very strong shields, because I don't pick up emotion from people unless I make an effort. I don't know, maybe that means that I'm less empathic than I first thought. No, I don't think so. I've worked very hard to hide myself from people, and I've just done a good job, that's all. Brent laughed at me this weekend when I said something about being empathic. He's so fucking clueless sometimes. Tres' pathetique.
In final news, the head of the government department where I work had her baby this weekend. She named her Savannah Rene. I'm so fucking pissed. I was going to name my next child Savannah Rose. Yeah right, like I'm going to have a "next child". But if I do, dammit, I'm namin' her that anyway. I PICKED THAT NAME FIRST! grrr
This is a bad week, money-wise. It's rent-due week, and my landlord hasn't yet called, so I'm toting around impossible amounts of cash in my wallet. I bet the landlord is on vaca for spring break. I'm SO glad I get paid again on Friday. I would not make it otherwise. I'm going to go home for lunch every day this week, I think. (That's a lie. I bet I go to McDonalds as soon as I finish this post.) EDIT: Oh yeah. Mom is looking in the paper for apartments for me. She found a trailer, but I'm afraid it might be too far in the wrong direction. Still, it's nice, since I'm not up to looking myself right now. I'm tellin' ya - first few days of surly, I think in pidgin English. Just. Can. Not. Process.
I have to try and tackle my house this week as well. A little at a time, every evening after work. I wish the need to straighten up would come to an end somehow. In my current state the idea of straightening up for the rest of ever makes me incredibly tired and sad. What a fucking drama queen.
I wish I had a heating pad. I must force myself to buy one next good payday, because very soon Scarlett will be needing one as well.
I'm wishing an awful lot. That's never good.
My therapist seems to think that my inability to trust any man with whom I am in a relationship is a problem. Frankly, I don't see it at such. Not at all. Why should I ever completely trust anyone with my heart? When have I ever not been disappointed? He wants to address it again at our next visit. It's not like I don't eventually trust, I merely go through a long period during which I check up on any activity I view as suspicious. My therapist is very good at veiling his opinions, but he has trouble hiding this one from me. There's a touch of incredulity in his voice and face when we talk about what it takes to convince me that a man is trustworthy. Okay, so I require years and a series of sound proofs before I begin to relax, before I stop double-checking every questionable phone call or absence. What woman over 40 doesn't have trust issues?
Our psychiatrist recommended a therapist for Scarlett. Her office called today to try and fit me into a cancellation, but I still have $220+ on my family deductible (surprise to me!) so I couldn't afford the visit. I'll see her next month, then Scarlett will see her the following week. I like that they want to see me first to get an idea what issues I feel need to be addressed. I think I'll like this therapist.
Okay, I just re-read that paragraph about my own therapist. I realized that I've been trying to get some sort of "read" on his opinions ever since I first met him. He is indeed VERY good at hiding them, and I'm glad, because that's crucial if a therapist hopes to be impartial and effective. And it amuses me to think that I've finally gotten some reaction from him, especially over something as simple as my trust issues. It also amuses me that I'm becoming more aware of my efforts to "read" people. I must have very strong shields, because I don't pick up emotion from people unless I make an effort. I don't know, maybe that means that I'm less empathic than I first thought. No, I don't think so. I've worked very hard to hide myself from people, and I've just done a good job, that's all. Brent laughed at me this weekend when I said something about being empathic. He's so fucking clueless sometimes. Tres' pathetique.
In final news, the head of the government department where I work had her baby this weekend. She named her Savannah Rene. I'm so fucking pissed. I was going to name my next child Savannah Rose. Yeah right, like I'm going to have a "next child". But if I do, dammit, I'm namin' her that anyway. I PICKED THAT NAME FIRST! grrr
