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Self-analyzation
Jan. 23rd, 2006 04:46 pmThere's just so much inside of me, that's begging to come out. But I can't release it on the general public, I have no one to say these things to, and thus they often come pouring out on my journal. These issues remain unresolved, and after a while I grow tired of repeating myself.
I still need to find some other way to relax and exercise aside from sex. I DO need to start yoga, but I worry that I'll be the only truly fat person there, and I'll feel humiliated by my limitations. I think that's probably unlikely, maybe even ridiculous. But I fret over it all the same. And then there's the money issue. Sex was free, for the most part. This won't be. Of course, I'm worth the cost, but I won't always be able to afford it. I'm never able to afford something for any length of time. I have this mental block about managing my money. I know it can be done, but I despise the process so much that I ignore it after a few weeks, and end up spending like a fiend to make up for the restrictions I've self-imposed, then neglecting my bills.
I'm going to have to do something about the loneliness, too. I suspect that will involve learning to live with it, because I am already making efforts to meet new people, and include old people in my life again, with very poor results.
The conversation that I'm having most often in my head these days involves confronting Brent with the behaviors that I felt were insulting on the last night we spent together. It's a foolish idea, but I know I will not rest until I can get SOME of it said. I come by this dogged pursuit personality trait through both my parents, and I despise it in each of them. The thing is, I suspect there will come a time when he will make another pass at me. And at that point, I will be forced to tell him that I cannot give him the attention he needs without some of what I need included in the exchange. Not unreasonable, by any means, but had he asked me what I like, don't like, need, want, desire, what "turns me on", at any point prior to this, I would have gladly told him. My aversion lies in asking for it directly, immediately preceding or during foreplay and sex. My mind twists so that I am turned off by asking for anything, or telling someone what to do. For some reason, this equates with lack of interest on a man's part, because if he wanted to know what turns me on, seems to me he'd ask. Or experiment. Or take the hint when I move his hands, repeatedly. And then there's the fact that this could all be moot, as there's a distinct possibility he will never make another move on me again. Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Well, so much for analyzation. I'm growing bored with it. I want to go home.
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