*good things have happened

[mynewplace]

Good things have happened.
The reading.
New people in my life.
There's a writing workshop this weekend.
And yes, I was upbeat last night.

My friends have commented, and it makes me feel better. More than you know. And I thank each and every one of you who could be bothered to say a few words to me in the last several days. When you don't speak, especially for a long time, it hurts.

Scarlett has been good these last few days, and I have been making an effort to spend time with her, away from this computer.

Still, I am sinking. This is the second day that I've been dullcoldflatteneddown in spite of a brief upswing yesterday morning, and again last night.

I can't shake it, this feeling that it doesn't matter, that nothing matters, and this misery.

I'm alone

alonealonealonealonealone

til I'm sick to death of it and I need a real-life honest-to-God hug so badly I want to throw up.

People  -  men are telling me "You get so much email from this site and that one, you must be having sex like crazy, look how they all want you..." and it drives me out of my fucking MIND!

They don't get it, NONE OF THEM GET IT, even the local ones who say they want me, no no no it doesn't FEEL right

and they don't mean it when they say they want me

and if all of those men want me then why I am still so FUCKING ALONE!!??!!

GODDAMMIT!

I just want to scream at them to stop, shut up!!! they don't know what they're talking about - no one wants me bad enough to be here. I can cling to that poor little girl upstairs for an hour just for the contact but its not what I want

WHAT I NEED

dearGODitsdrivingmeoutofmymind.

Not sex, just contact Flesh contact pleeeease just for a minute or ten or whatever

this is why I don't do cyber any more.

Brent's being a fucking carp, and I expected no less, I would only use him at this point anyway.

mmmm use him-wrap him around me and hide in that maddening green shirt that has that perfect spicy Brent-scent and his shoulders block the light just so

I haven't heard from Todd in weeks, which is just as well, but I know he's gonna show up and I'd better not be this needy then or else I'm gonna fuck his brains out and likely lose my own as well.

Jonithan is taking his sweet time and is going to drive me out of my fucking mind if he doesn't do something soon - he lives too CLOSE to be playing this online game!

Hal wants to come up this weekend, but I'm hoping he will have to reschedule because I'm changing my mind about him. NONONO he's all wrong.....

And I remain alone. So alone that I have to curl up and cling to my knees to keep from vomiting from the horribleness of it.

 

 

Thank GOD I know this will pass. It always does. That knowledge is the only thing that keeps me alive.

Comments

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks for understanding that. I know you would. You would be a lot of help.

[starlick.livejournal.com]

Not sex, just contact Flesh contact pleeeease just for a minute or ten or whatever

I know that feeling all too well.

*hugs*
Take care of you

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

:-S I wish I knew how.

[thehangedman.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I know quite well how you feel.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yes, I know you do. All too well.

[anaudicguy.livejournal.com]

he lives too CLOSE to be playing this online game!


I hate it when that happens. soon after I started my LJ I ran into three people who live in the area, and made plans to meet them in person. And it all falls apart for one reason or another. Annoying as heck. :-P But I look at it on the bright side- if they can't get their act together to meet up with me for lunch, then it's better off that way- it would have imploded sooner or later. Better sooner before I met them, ya know?

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Yes, much better to be frustrated at this point than later on.

[merrywitch.livejournal.com]

When things are at their darkest ebb, find courage and be strong
and when you feel your hopes and dreams are dead, dare to dream on
for soon kind thoughts will sweep you to the pinnacle of clouds
and hold you, warm, beloved, til your painful tears are gone

Since someone cared enough for you to stop and write an ode
of love and care and sisterhood, and sought to ease your load
is not the time now here at last to look towards the sun
and revel in the comfort that from friendship's pen has flowed?

Olivia Watts 26th January 2005

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thank you dearest. I'm touched beyond words.

[the-turtle-girl.livejournal.com]

My poor girl. I know how you feel. Guys can't seem to reconcile that it's not always about the sex. Sometimes, it's just about feeling like you are still alive.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Saturday it was a month since someone touched me. I'm just glad it hasn't gotten to the point where I'm pressing myself into the corner of the walls in the bathroom again. I know it will pass. I'm trying to be good and wait.

[the-turtle-girl.livejournal.com]

I would hug you but my arms aren't that long.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I know. And I appreciate it. Cause I'd let you.

[little-cthulu.livejournal.com]

There isnt an awful lot i can say that would alleviate the feelings you have. Sometimes words are nothing, just hazy sounds coming from a comforting shape. So, il say my peice, to say that ive done my bit in my hopelessness.
I hope peace finds your torrid self soon :D

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Thanks sweetie. Today is good. heh

[nemecic.livejournal.com]

... I am sorry I let you down and wasn´t there for you when you needed it... I am deeply, so so sorry honey...

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. You haven't, I know you have a life. And much as I cling to you, I still can't cling to you the way I need to cling to someone. I love you Neme, and I know you're only a mouse-click away.