At This Moment
Jun. 28th, 2006 06:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mynewplaceI hate the song At This Moment by Billy Vera and The Beaters. I have always hated it, because my mind never fails to ponder a solitary question at the end. I heard the song at the pharmacy today, and suddenly this story popped into my mind. It's not pleasant.
Night time had stretched out and eaten Tom's daylight. No matter where he was, no matter what time, his surroundings were always dark and dank. There was a pall over everything within his line of vision. He often blinked, hard, repeatedly, to try and clear the film from his eyes, but it was no use. An emotional vacuum filled his mind and soul, and he could barely breathe. His wife, Jana had died six months ago, and after what seemed to be a reasonable period of mourning, he had attempted to return to work. He went about his daily chores, directing employees, compiling reports, with a solemn face and downturned eyes. He didn't have many friends. His family didn't know what to say, and so said nothing. That was the way with bereavement. Silence was an embarrassment; aquaintances clung to stoicism out of shame. So Tom spent every evening with his last love, Evan Williams.
Every night was filled with Jana, walking through his dream-house, elusively turning corners as he caught a whiff of perfume. Sometimes Tom could hear her pounding veal cutlets in the kitchen while he placed china and silver on the table. Or he would hear the water running and look out the bedroom window, to see her dark pony tail and long legs as she soaked the lawn. Jana was everywhere, and nowhere.
His heart continued to beat without his permission. Tom caught himself wondering sometimes how it was possible for such a broken thing to operate properly. His liver, on the other hand, had no qualms about sending the occasional shooting pain through his gut, to scare Mr. Williams away for a day or two. But Tom was gently persistent, and after a day, and a night and a day, he began to feel that ache that could only be eased by Kentucky bourbon.
Tom had been blisfully unconscious for several hours, dreamless for a change, when a figure began to form within his head. Diaphanous, gently shifting as a fragrant breeze blew through his open bedroom window, the figure was lavender, then golden, growing and elongating until Tom could clearly see a face, hands, and long flowing hair, or a hooded cape. He was never sure which, and the colors continued to shift and distract him until he could barely remember the woman at all. He sat up, and felt his feet touch the rough berber carpet as the figure moved toward him. There was never any question, this was not his Jana, and the feelings pouring from her overwhelmed him - love and concern, and a strange feeling, that let him know this creature desired to help ease his heart.
Light flowed around the woman-shape and in his mind the thought began to form "What would you ask? What would make your heartache leave you?" Her hand was soft as it stroked his brow, and he grew aware of the muscles in his back growing relaxed. Tom said, or thought (he was never sure which) "I need my Jana." The knot in his throat would not swallow away, and the tears streamed down his face, but he felt no shame. The woman stroked his cheek and it was dry, then she lifted her fingers to her lips and kissed his tears away.
"What would you give, in exchange for this boon?" And Tom's tired heart leapt in his chest, while his mind searched frantically for an answer.
He gasped "Money! I'll give you money! I'll give you all the money I make for the rest of my life!"
Her expression was curious, and her head tilted slightly, soft curls falling over her shoulder. He could hear the rustle of silk as her robe slipped across her hair. The thought came to him "I have no use for such a thing. Money has no meaning to me."
Bright eyes gazed at him as he wracked his brain, wondering what he possessed that had value to this being. He took a deep breath, felt the ease as air without nicotine entered his lungs, and wondered.
"My health? Would you take my health? Is that something I could give to you?"
He felt those bright eyes burn into his brain as she gazed at his discheveled head. He could feel the warmth as she continued down his throat. Tom could feel her looking into his lungs, and her expression grew doubtful as she surveyed them, but she continued. Then an impossible sadness filled her face, easing into his mind, as she gazed through his gut to his liver. She shook her head gently, and her thoughts were filled with sorrow. "Dear one, you have very little health to give. It is not enough for such a great request. I am so very sorry." Her body shifted, and Tom sensed her mind wandering toward the dimension from which she had come.
Fear filled him and he reached for her robe, to catch her before she left. His hands grasped at nothing. Although she was still before him, he had misjudged the distance in the darkness of his room, and he slid off the bed, onto his knees. She floated, just out of reach, but she turned her head back toward Tom as he sobbed into the floor, grasping for something he wasn't sure existed. Warm hands brushed his shuddering back, and he felt compelled to raise his head, to gaze up once more into that sweet face. The wraith smiled and stroked his shoulder, and Tom took a deep breath, and gazed into her fiery eyes. In his mind, he felt a thought form, take twenty years from me, and she smiled, and nodded. "It is enough, dear heart. You will have your one desire."
Tom woke to the sound of water running. He opened his eyes and gazed deep into the patterned carpet, as he realized his knees hurt. He blinked, focused, and raised his head. He was confused, why was he kneeling on the floor by the bed? Daylight streamed through the blinds as the water stopped, and he turned to see Jana, wrapped in towels and laughing as she walked toward him.
"What the hell are you doing honey? Get up sleepy head! Did you drop something?"
Tom couldn't breathe. It couldn't be possible. He forced himself to take a breath, and the overwhelming scent of her favorite bodywash filled his lungs - but it was the joy - the joy!! that made his chest feel as if it would burst. Tom lept to his feet, and swooped Jana up in a bear hug, twirling her around until the towels were skittering across the room as he buried his face in wet hair which he covered with kisses. "Oh if it is a dream, please don't ever let it end!" He eased Jana's feet to the floor and bent to capture her lips, warm and sweet as her arms snaked around his neck and she leaned heavily against him.
He could hear Jana purring "What a tiger you are this morning!" as she pulled back from that kiss.
Her gasp was loud in Tom's ears, but Jana's face was all wrong, she was suddenly sad and frightened - a look of horror filled her eyes and Tom wept to see it.
Her scream was the last thing he heard, as he collapsed to the floor.
Every night was filled with Jana, walking through his dream-house, elusively turning corners as he caught a whiff of perfume. Sometimes Tom could hear her pounding veal cutlets in the kitchen while he placed china and silver on the table. Or he would hear the water running and look out the bedroom window, to see her dark pony tail and long legs as she soaked the lawn. Jana was everywhere, and nowhere.
His heart continued to beat without his permission. Tom caught himself wondering sometimes how it was possible for such a broken thing to operate properly. His liver, on the other hand, had no qualms about sending the occasional shooting pain through his gut, to scare Mr. Williams away for a day or two. But Tom was gently persistent, and after a day, and a night and a day, he began to feel that ache that could only be eased by Kentucky bourbon.
Tom had been blisfully unconscious for several hours, dreamless for a change, when a figure began to form within his head. Diaphanous, gently shifting as a fragrant breeze blew through his open bedroom window, the figure was lavender, then golden, growing and elongating until Tom could clearly see a face, hands, and long flowing hair, or a hooded cape. He was never sure which, and the colors continued to shift and distract him until he could barely remember the woman at all. He sat up, and felt his feet touch the rough berber carpet as the figure moved toward him. There was never any question, this was not his Jana, and the feelings pouring from her overwhelmed him - love and concern, and a strange feeling, that let him know this creature desired to help ease his heart.
Light flowed around the woman-shape and in his mind the thought began to form "What would you ask? What would make your heartache leave you?" Her hand was soft as it stroked his brow, and he grew aware of the muscles in his back growing relaxed. Tom said, or thought (he was never sure which) "I need my Jana." The knot in his throat would not swallow away, and the tears streamed down his face, but he felt no shame. The woman stroked his cheek and it was dry, then she lifted her fingers to her lips and kissed his tears away.
"What would you give, in exchange for this boon?" And Tom's tired heart leapt in his chest, while his mind searched frantically for an answer.
He gasped "Money! I'll give you money! I'll give you all the money I make for the rest of my life!"
Her expression was curious, and her head tilted slightly, soft curls falling over her shoulder. He could hear the rustle of silk as her robe slipped across her hair. The thought came to him "I have no use for such a thing. Money has no meaning to me."
Bright eyes gazed at him as he wracked his brain, wondering what he possessed that had value to this being. He took a deep breath, felt the ease as air without nicotine entered his lungs, and wondered.
"My health? Would you take my health? Is that something I could give to you?"
He felt those bright eyes burn into his brain as she gazed at his discheveled head. He could feel the warmth as she continued down his throat. Tom could feel her looking into his lungs, and her expression grew doubtful as she surveyed them, but she continued. Then an impossible sadness filled her face, easing into his mind, as she gazed through his gut to his liver. She shook her head gently, and her thoughts were filled with sorrow. "Dear one, you have very little health to give. It is not enough for such a great request. I am so very sorry." Her body shifted, and Tom sensed her mind wandering toward the dimension from which she had come.
Fear filled him and he reached for her robe, to catch her before she left. His hands grasped at nothing. Although she was still before him, he had misjudged the distance in the darkness of his room, and he slid off the bed, onto his knees. She floated, just out of reach, but she turned her head back toward Tom as he sobbed into the floor, grasping for something he wasn't sure existed. Warm hands brushed his shuddering back, and he felt compelled to raise his head, to gaze up once more into that sweet face. The wraith smiled and stroked his shoulder, and Tom took a deep breath, and gazed into her fiery eyes. In his mind, he felt a thought form, take twenty years from me, and she smiled, and nodded. "It is enough, dear heart. You will have your one desire."
Tom woke to the sound of water running. He opened his eyes and gazed deep into the patterned carpet, as he realized his knees hurt. He blinked, focused, and raised his head. He was confused, why was he kneeling on the floor by the bed? Daylight streamed through the blinds as the water stopped, and he turned to see Jana, wrapped in towels and laughing as she walked toward him.
"What the hell are you doing honey? Get up sleepy head! Did you drop something?"
Tom couldn't breathe. It couldn't be possible. He forced himself to take a breath, and the overwhelming scent of her favorite bodywash filled his lungs - but it was the joy - the joy!! that made his chest feel as if it would burst. Tom lept to his feet, and swooped Jana up in a bear hug, twirling her around until the towels were skittering across the room as he buried his face in wet hair which he covered with kisses. "Oh if it is a dream, please don't ever let it end!" He eased Jana's feet to the floor and bent to capture her lips, warm and sweet as her arms snaked around his neck and she leaned heavily against him.
He could hear Jana purring "What a tiger you are this morning!" as she pulled back from that kiss.
Her gasp was loud in Tom's ears, but Jana's face was all wrong, she was suddenly sad and frightened - a look of horror filled her eyes and Tom wept to see it.
Her scream was the last thing he heard, as he collapsed to the floor.
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 04:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 01:35 pm (UTC)I was unfamiliar with the song but looked it up and I can see where you'd feel it.
I have so many private thoughts over this one. I'll email
no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 04:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 04:36 pm (UTC)that's how I've been since getting back home. I think it's mostly self-preservation. an online fetal position.
Sometimes friendship is shared silences
no subject
Date: 2006-06-30 09:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-30 10:37 am (UTC)Re: OMGs
Date: 2006-07-14 03:13 am (UTC)