Tuesday

Needs Unmet

 

When I was a child, all my needs were met by my parents. Teachers, playmates, neighbors, family and friends all contributed to meeting my needs as I grew older. Throughout childhood and young adulthood my needs were great: clothing food and shelter were a given. The need for companionship, mental stimulation, financial support, instruction in boundaries and fair play and the ways of life and the world were less tangible but no less real.  

 

I gave much thought to my destined mate from an early age, and I had many ideas, needs and wants where he was concerned: he must be handsome, pleasant, intelligent, funny and kind; he must have money and we must have cars, a home and three sons and a dog and a maid. I will not work, but will raise our sons and be the light to the lives of all of my men, they will love me and never leave and we'll live happily-ever-after-amen.  This was the desire of my heart, thus God would "make it so", Elizabeth Rice Stanford and my youth director's wife both assured me.

 

As I grew older and learned the joys of liquor and sex and the freedom of supporting myself, the "happily-ever-after" desire of my heart remained the same, though the terms and conditions shifted throughout the years. I wanted to visit Europe, I wanted to drive a sports car, I wanted to own a fur coat and make lots of money and have a sexy boyfriend who likes to drink and is good in bed and thinks I'm hot and we'll have dogs and I will be the light of his life and he will never leave and we'll... I'm sure you get the picture. Perfection walked into my life while I paid the bills and bought the house and the cars and fed the dogs and cooked the meals and chose the furniture. And when he walked right back out again there I was with the trappings of happiness, trying to salvage the ashes of my heart.

 

More adjustments were made to my terms and conditions, he had to be emotionally supportive and funny and kind but not so much handsome or wealthy or interested in children. He had to be accepting of my faults because it was becoming clear that they weren't going anywhere and if I can make fun of my time in a nervous hospital he should be able to shrug it off too, or maybe it would be good if he was a little unbalanced - he might understand me better that way... It looked like there were no babies in my future and that could mean more attention for me, or I could be the best step mom ever since I knew just what not to do, but surely-there's-still-someone-out-there-for-me?

 

Right?

 

Right?

 

Someone came along, but she was round and naked and needy. She called me "mama" and sometimes she called my mama "mama" too, and all other needs shifted or fell away for a few years as I tried to become the mother that she needed while ignoring the woman who had needs of her own. Not easy, but I packed on enough tummy and ass to ensure that I didn't get those needs met outside of marriage; I want to be a good example when she starts looking at my life. Then it dawned on me that I didn't want her to learn that squelching sexuality was the best way to mother a child, or the only response to single motherhood. I'd observed many mothers in my life, and seen the results of their efforts take shape in their offspring, and the best sexual attitudes were held by those offspring whose mothers had open, honest, and positive attitudes toward their sexuality and the budding sexuality of their daughters. And I realized I was doing myself and my child a great disservice through my forced celibacy.

 

Lots of my other needs and wants changed in response to motherhood, but the basic one - "happily-ever-after" remained. However, the definition of "happily-ever-after" has made a radical shift!  I don't need a man who can support me, who makes my friends jealous or wants to give me all of his attention. I need to be touched a lot, and listened to a little, and snuggled almost every night. I need to be spoken to every day, even if I grunt in response, and I need to hear I'm pretty once in a while. I need to be taken out to dinner on occasion, and I need my cooking bragged on sometimes, too. I need a good example set before my daughter, otherwise she might not know how a man is supposed to treat her when she finds one.

 

Yes, that's a big shift from a trip to Europe, a sports car, a fur coat and a maid - but damned if it isn't just as difficult to find.