(no subject)

I don't want to waste an amazing day.  

It's 80 degrees outside, absolutely gorgeous, and I'm tense as a cat. I've had lunch, and soothed myself somewhat with fat and soy sauce on sushi, ELO and self-improvement resolutions - I've decided I'm giving up Diet Coke. I'm going to start taking 200 mg of caffeine by tablet twice or three times a day, depending on how well it works, and go back to drinking water and juice, and tea on occasion. I don't need the extra sodium, and my mouth is a mess. I'm almost certain it's from the acid in the pop. 

A random man whom I do not know saw me in the hall this morning carrying boxes. He quoth quite amusingly "No empty arms for you, are there?"  I forced a smile and thought to myself - 'How do these idiots manage to dig into my soul and stab me? fuckers'

No. There are no empty arms for me. No voice on the other end of a phone to tell me what he's doing and distract me for a moment until I can catch my breath. No one to rant to in email, no one to prod and poke until I provoke his laughter or his passion.  I should have called Rob, but I'm sure he's busy.

At any rate, I said something to someone elsewhere today that has rang in my head - that echoing gong of truth that I strike on occasion.  In part I stated " I don't WANT to get laid by another married man (the way I'm planning to tomorrow) I'm sick of stop-gap fixes for these bouts of tension and anxiety, but I can't go this long without sex, so I agree to another temporary fix to hold me over until my own life starts. This is how my life has slipped away from me. "   

There is nothing I can do right now to fix this, because I will NOT give up sex. However, being aware of a situation often allows me to refocus and eventually see a way to improve or repair it. 

Just more self-improvement, from the reluctant queen of selfish. bwaahahaa!  I'm about to sweep the remaining paperclips from my desktop into a box and "call the man". Those of you without an Andy Griffith background will just have to wonder what the hell I'm talking about. 

In short, I'm outta here ....