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Mar. 17th, 2006
I did not realize just how fragile I am. I went to Magistrate Court to rectify my suspended license - the real reason why I took annual leave today. The woman at the magistrate court was so sarcastic with me that I burst into tears right there in the court room, and accused her of snapping at me. After she sent me on a 45 minute wild goose chase, I returned and paid my fines. I was dry eyed,and fairly composed by that time, and she was more apologetic in tone.
But it frightened me nonetheless, because it signals to me that I am not controlling my depression or mood swings as well as I should. And I'm not sure what that means, nor what I should do about it. I owe money to my therapist, and don't think I'm going to be able to pay it, thus I do not feel that I should return to her until I've made some monetary recompense. And a single therapy appointment isn't going to cut this. I need to reconcile my emotions in some fashion, and regain control of them. I am at a loss.
Scarlett will be home from school soon. I was reminded how amused I am when I take her to school on orchestra class day. All these children climbing out of cars with various size violin cases make me think I'm dropping her at some mini-mafioso meeting. She has a birthday party for some friends this evening, then we'll come home. Might go shopping or to a movie tomorrow afternoon, depending on our mood. I rarely ever have her on weekends, so I try to make them more than just sitting around the house, or bitching over the condition of it. I get enough of that done during the week. Her stepmother called yesterday and said that family illness would prevent her dad from spending much time with her, if she came down this weekend. So I suggested she just go to their house the following two weekends. I was glad, because this allows Scarlett to attend a family gathering tomorrow evening that I feel is important for her.
I have several cousins whom I spent my childhood with - our mothers were close and we would see one another frequently - sometimes several times during a week. Most every Sunday was spent at our grandparents home after church, and summer time meant one set of cousins would be at my house one week, then I would be at another cousins house for a week, then perhaps we'd mix and match, sometimes all summer long. Idyllic stuff, and it provided me with pseudo-siblings, since I was an only child most of the time at home.
We still honor those bonds, although our lives have diverged quite a bit, and we make certain that our children see one another frequently, to keep the family tight. The reason for this particular gathering is to meet the 13-year-old son of one of these cousins. Donnie is the older of two brothers, and a rogue, plain and simple. He and I have had similar lives, and have always considered ourselves closely knit because of that similarity. It's provided us with a bond that remains even when we don't talk much. We've both had trouble keeping jobs, and lovers, and Donnie has at least two, possibly three children who are not in contact with our side of the family. Donnie lives in Indiana, and this son lives here, in West Virginia, not too far from my own parents and Donnie's father. Several of us met the child's mother right after he was born, and saw the baby. But nothing was heard about him after that, until this week.
My mother called and said she couldn't relate all the story (because she really sucks at that sort of thing) but the boy had been looking for Donnie, and finally had contacted him. We are all going to meet tomorrow evening at Donnie's mother's house, to eat together, and meet this boy. How intimidating that must seem, for a 13 year old. When I told Scarlett about it, and that I was glad she would get to come, she very astutely observed "Wow. He's just now meeting his dad? He's just like me!" So the similarities between family members continues.
It's very important to me that she see how we, as a family, treat a child. Even as a newcomer, he will be treated as if he had been among us all along, although we'll use his arrival as cause for celebration. I hope that the effort we're making will not be completely lost on her, and I'm going to do my best to call it to her attention. My motives are not completely honorable, because I was quite disappointed with the way her paternal grandmother behaved, after Jeff came into Scarlett's life. I've never cared for her, due to some unkindness on her part while I was pregnant, and I do not forgive women easily. But it IS important to me that Scarlett feel the love within our group. I want her to love this side of our family as much as I do.
She's home, and out to play. I'm going to get off this bloody instrument, and perhaps take a nap in preparation for this evening. Birthday parties exhaust me, as do ten year old children. A room full of them hopped up on cake and pop and presents for twins?
My idea of hell.
But it frightened me nonetheless, because it signals to me that I am not controlling my depression or mood swings as well as I should. And I'm not sure what that means, nor what I should do about it. I owe money to my therapist, and don't think I'm going to be able to pay it, thus I do not feel that I should return to her until I've made some monetary recompense. And a single therapy appointment isn't going to cut this. I need to reconcile my emotions in some fashion, and regain control of them. I am at a loss.
Scarlett will be home from school soon. I was reminded how amused I am when I take her to school on orchestra class day. All these children climbing out of cars with various size violin cases make me think I'm dropping her at some mini-mafioso meeting. She has a birthday party for some friends this evening, then we'll come home. Might go shopping or to a movie tomorrow afternoon, depending on our mood. I rarely ever have her on weekends, so I try to make them more than just sitting around the house, or bitching over the condition of it. I get enough of that done during the week. Her stepmother called yesterday and said that family illness would prevent her dad from spending much time with her, if she came down this weekend. So I suggested she just go to their house the following two weekends. I was glad, because this allows Scarlett to attend a family gathering tomorrow evening that I feel is important for her.
I have several cousins whom I spent my childhood with - our mothers were close and we would see one another frequently - sometimes several times during a week. Most every Sunday was spent at our grandparents home after church, and summer time meant one set of cousins would be at my house one week, then I would be at another cousins house for a week, then perhaps we'd mix and match, sometimes all summer long. Idyllic stuff, and it provided me with pseudo-siblings, since I was an only child most of the time at home.
We still honor those bonds, although our lives have diverged quite a bit, and we make certain that our children see one another frequently, to keep the family tight. The reason for this particular gathering is to meet the 13-year-old son of one of these cousins. Donnie is the older of two brothers, and a rogue, plain and simple. He and I have had similar lives, and have always considered ourselves closely knit because of that similarity. It's provided us with a bond that remains even when we don't talk much. We've both had trouble keeping jobs, and lovers, and Donnie has at least two, possibly three children who are not in contact with our side of the family. Donnie lives in Indiana, and this son lives here, in West Virginia, not too far from my own parents and Donnie's father. Several of us met the child's mother right after he was born, and saw the baby. But nothing was heard about him after that, until this week.
My mother called and said she couldn't relate all the story (because she really sucks at that sort of thing) but the boy had been looking for Donnie, and finally had contacted him. We are all going to meet tomorrow evening at Donnie's mother's house, to eat together, and meet this boy. How intimidating that must seem, for a 13 year old. When I told Scarlett about it, and that I was glad she would get to come, she very astutely observed "Wow. He's just now meeting his dad? He's just like me!" So the similarities between family members continues.
It's very important to me that she see how we, as a family, treat a child. Even as a newcomer, he will be treated as if he had been among us all along, although we'll use his arrival as cause for celebration. I hope that the effort we're making will not be completely lost on her, and I'm going to do my best to call it to her attention. My motives are not completely honorable, because I was quite disappointed with the way her paternal grandmother behaved, after Jeff came into Scarlett's life. I've never cared for her, due to some unkindness on her part while I was pregnant, and I do not forgive women easily. But it IS important to me that Scarlett feel the love within our group. I want her to love this side of our family as much as I do.
She's home, and out to play. I'm going to get off this bloody instrument, and perhaps take a nap in preparation for this evening. Birthday parties exhaust me, as do ten year old children. A room full of them hopped up on cake and pop and presents for twins?
My idea of hell.