(no subject)

I've been home 20 hours, and am just now starting to cry. A torrent of tears, between times of lucidity, when I catch my breath and clean my glasses before another memory pierces my mind and knocks the wind out of me again.

It's strange. The sobs are the release of stress from the thoughts of being alone again, even more alone than I was, and I'm hating the very silence that I crave. I despise my solitude and no matter what is suggested, I am incapable of changing my circumstance.

There was a man supposed to come over today - the last of the swingers with whom I have contact. I emailed him when I got home last night and told him not to come, and that he probably shouldn't contact me again. I'm just too heartbroken to be any fun at all. He understood, and wished me luck. They always wish me luck.

The tears were finally brought on by a combination of men admiring my body and trying to tap into my mind.

I'm not sure why I'm appearing online - it's most likely a subconscious desire to find someone new, crossed with my tendency to become aggressively cruel when I'm injured. I am looking for an outlet, I think.

There's one man, whom I've only spoken with once before, who happened across me today. He 'Only started talking to me because of my gorgeous body' and I thought to myself . . .

"You were unsuspecting of the vileness that lies beneath my porcelain surface.
But now you know, and perhaps next time you'll be more careful, rather than expecting everyone you encounter online to be chatty." 

He's removed me from his yahoo friends list - he was never on mine.

I have no grasp of how many Yahoo messenger lists I appear on. I know that until recently, I added everyone who asked to add me. Out of courtesy, and the anticipation of possibly making a new friend. I found many never appeared online again, and even more would appear online, but would not talk with me, if I attempted to instigate a conversation. So I stopped adding people just because they added me. I wonder if that's one of the hazards of having attractive photos of yourself on your profile - if other women who are beautiful on the outside do that as well, if they allow people to add their IM name to a list, without reciprocation, just to be kind? I've also become much more aggressive with my "ignore" button. My Yahoo IM list makes me sad sometimes - there are people that I long to know better, who are simply too far away; people who never speak to me any more, who have deleted their journals and gone away forever; people who are hurting, much like I am, and we both know that there's no sense striking up a conversation, as we're both likely to be more bitchy than we intend. People I miss, people I don't know, people I don't care to know any more.

God damn fucking melancholy. I have half a mind to drink it away.