Weekend update again - I'm not Tina Fey today.

"I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm EXHAUSTED! Where IS HE?? ~~ Charlotte, Sex In The City

I loved that quote!

I watched The Eyes Of Tammy Faye on phaballa's recommendation. And I'm SO glad I did! I have a new appreciation and affection for Tammy. I used to view her with some ridicule, as did most who grew up during the PTL heyday. While the primary reason for my opinion was her over-the-top makeup and personality, part of it was because I was raised Baptist - SO Baptist that Falwell and his kingdom were revered by members of my family. I actually have a family member who graduated from Liberty University. And when Falwell attended an event at my church, at my pastor's request (this was when Scarlett was a baby) it was as if we were visited by royalty. NOT KIDDING.

Anyway, the press surrounding the scandal was believed to be gospel, because Falwell was infallible. I can recall my paternal grandmother being disgusted with Falwell's treatment of the Bakkers. I can also remember dismissing her claims with the thought that she'd been suckered in by Jim-N-Tammy's overemotional protests. After all, there was a sex scandal. So it seemed logical that the Bakkers were lying.

Now I'm not so sure. I wish I could call my grandma and apologize for being suckered in by Falwell's smooth pseudo-brotherly concern. All I can do is vow to never again regard Falwell with anything except scorn and mistrust. And maybe write a letter to Tammy. heh I'm tempted to let Scarlett see the video, just to plant the seeds of mistrust toward the kingdom of "Liberty" and its ruler.

While he allowed Heritage USA to slide into ruin, I'm not aware of any longterm effects that Falwell has suffered as a result of his treatment of the Bakkers. No karmic evidence has come to light as yet, as far as I know. Am I now being deluded the way my grandma was? I'm not sure. But I don't think so. It's still the word of some against others. What makes me sympathetic toward Tammy's side is this - IF Falwell had MEANT well, Heritage USA would be flourishing as the new Baptist mecca, because he would have cultivated it and cared for it as such. Instead, it lies fallow. I wonder, is it because Jim and Tammy allowed men and women to swim together? Did the Baptists abandon the park because they couldn't limit how much flesh was viewed by members of the general public?

Another thing I love about Tammy is her affection for everyone, including homosexuals, a group that is the pariah of her own religious community. She's always embraced them, and I never realized it until now. I thought that she was naive, and perhaps was looking the other way. But no. She says she refuses to label people, and her affection for Jim J. Bullock is genuine. Atta girl, Tammy!

Alright. I'm done ranting about Tammy Faye. Andrea, where is my ICON?? :-)

Scarlett started school today. She was remarkably obedient last night. We sorted and put away clothes, I read her a story, and she went to bed. As I hugged her, I asked her if she was nervous. Of course she was. For some reason, I was too. (And remain so) I wracked my brain for ways to relax after she went back to bed. Didn't come up with much. Some Tylenol PM, a bite to eat, a little Ron While. Didn't help.

I've got a new weekend's worth of resolve to leave Brent and FWB alone. I want to stop talking to Howard about my sex life, too. I'm having trouble being 'friends' with him. I'm so resentful that yet another person with whom I can't have a physical relationship has managed to waltz into my life. Why do I FEEL like that? Why can't I just be his friend? If we hadn't gone there, maybe I could. I'm friends with other men. Totally platonic. But this situation is the same with my FWB. Once we crossed the line and established that he found me sexually attractive, and I felt the same way, then the relationship shifted. And I've had moments of misery with both of them ever since.

I would rather just be platonic with both of them. I'm going to try. I LIKE being friends with them both, I just don't like the sexual element. It's too frustrating.

Isn't that odd? As crazy as I am about sex, I can't handle having that sexual element present unless I know there can be some physical relationship. That's not news, I guess.

Take my Poll! Cuz you LOVE ME! Bwaahahahahahahaa Where's my pancake?

[Poll #561104]

12 Days Left. And somebody is fucking with me

I'm pretty sure its Yahoo, that's doing the fucking. I can go to myyahoo, I can choose my mail, and see that I have 17 messages. Then 20 messages. Then I go back and have more messages. But when I clicky to READ said messages? The page times out. Fuckers. I can come to LJ, I can read other people's stuff, and I can comment and answer, etc. And I can go to my work email. But I cannot see my Yahoo. Which makes me angry.

K. So today wasn't a good day. It wasn't BAD, per se, but it was insanely stressful, and I had a few mini blow-ups. Just not good. I DID establish an after school care routine for Miss Thang during the monsoon-ish rain, and we ate dinner, and we watched Mulan II, and she played with a friend. And I cleaned out one of my closets. Oh, and here I am, computing again. So good things happened. But my temper was too close to blowing TOO many times. I've got to get in to see a therapist. (And I've got to find a new gyn. And I've GOT to get in to see my chiropractor. And I've got to pay my bills. And I've got to get some new shoes. And I've GOT to........)

You see, I really thought my life would change this summer. And while it has, in a number of small, significant ways, the big change remains elusive. And its breaking me a bit. I thought I'd be closer to finding someone. I don't know why, and I know I need to let go of that dream because it's not going to happen. But I CAN'T for some reason, I just CAN'T. And so instead, I feel me closing in on myself. Pulling back again, avoiding contact because its not the contact I want. Feeling angry all the time. And I hear these cruel words in my head in response to the simplest things. No one is trying to hurt me. But I wanna hurt them anyway. I want to hurt them for not being what I need, for trying to be my friend anyway, DESPITE the fact that they aren't what I want.

In some cases it is someone who has come to me, looking for some sort of satisfaction, and either I've given it then taken it away, or refused to give it, and lashed out at them for asking it of me. There are a couple of those people who have decided to be my friend anyway, despite the fact that I won't give them what they want, and they can't give me what I want.

Then there are others who are totally innocent, oblivious to the fact that I'm in pain and frankly it's none of their business but bygod they'd know it if I said half the million things I'm thinking.

I don't. I don't say anything. I just hold it in, and hold my breath, and cry anyway. Tears that leak from my eyes despite the fact that I'm not breathing, tears that come over nothing and won't go away, even when I need to pull myself together long enough to walk into Scarlett's school and pick her up. Tears that would make adults look sideways at me, and make kids stare. Tears that would break Scarlett's heart, because she's tender, and doesn't want to see me unhappy. Not to mention if she thought I were unhappy because I was lonely, it would break her in another way. Because I have her, and she would know that she is not enough.

I know that doesn't make me a bad mother. I know that teaching her to have her own life, and refusing to use her as a crutch, to keep me company for the rest of my life, is the RIGHT thing to do for her. And the right thing to do for me. But I still feel like shit for FEELING that she isn't enough.

So I'm angry. It's nothing new, really. It comes this time of year anyway. It begins in September, when another birthday passes. It builds toward Christmas, until its all I can do to get through that week of Christmas and New Years and everyone has someone to love and I have to watch them and be happy with them and fake fakefakefakefake until my body wants to collapse. And often does, with some sort of bronchial thing that hits before or after the Holiday of HOLIDAYS, February 14. GodIwannabeathimwithastick.

Then spring will come, and it will ease. The green will soothe me, the crocuses will make me smile, and I'll look forward to shopping for pink shoes. And shorts, and bathing suits. And summer will come again, then things will be good for a while.

Yeah. It's nothing new. There's nothing new under the sun, after all.