The delicacies of sexual assault

I am mentally exhausted. I frightened myself today. I came this >< close to forcing myself on someone who has given me every reason to believe that he would welcome the attention.

Trouble is, he likes to play. And he only plays to a certain point. He's pushed me beyond that point several times, and I've been stressed, but I've managed to deal with it.

Today, I almost didn't.

I had psyched myself out to the point where I was going to do it, and devil take the consequences, before I ever went to his office. I was sick of the teasing, sick of doing it as much as I was sick of being on the receiving end. And I was doing plenty of it too.

If I had managed to get him exposed, I'm not certain that I would have stopped, even if he'd asked me.

Okay. He wouldn't have asked me to stop. I can say that with some certainty. And he would never accuse me of assault, or press charges or anything. In fact, he ASKED for it. Not like people say a girl is 'asking' for it. I have it in an email. Literal ASKING.

But I was ALMOST out of control.

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I'm not fucking kidding. It scared me. If the word 'rape' hadn't crossed his lips in jest, I believe I would have been THERE, and this post would be taking an entirely different meaning.

I think he knew it. When I crossed the threshold into his office, banged the door shut and locked it, his face went three shades of red. He couldn't look at me. It really fucked him up. And it fucked me up too.

I think we're finished playing. I'm not sure I can bear to end this friendship, but

OH. MY. GOD.

I almost committed sexual assault. What the fuck is going on???