(no subject)

[mynewplace]

I have spent the day in turmoil. The tension in my chest has built from the beginning of the morning and now, at the end of the work day, I am nauseated and mentally spent.

How can I say I had a bad weekend, when my camera came back to me? I don't know. But it was bad. Perhaps I was sensing what today would bring; perhaps this week will continue in this stressful vein.

The knowledge that someone was thinking of me should have filled me with joy. There was an inner calm that stayed with me Saturday and Sunday, and I am grateful for that blessing. But this fear, that something will go awry, that interest will wane, that fates will succeed in acting against us, I can't shake it. Don't hate me because of this negativity that resides within me, please. Perhaps you can see it as residual illness, pain left behind from repeated disappointment, a broken cog in the mechanism that needs kind reassuring words and actions to repair and maintain the inner workings. That's a big job, that I think I'm supposed to perform myself. Perhaps those kind reassuring words and actions are merely the encouragement I need to actually do the work - my sustenance during my journey to wellness.

There are outside elements which are buffeting me, and I suspect these are the real reason for my fears. Situations involving politics which in turn affect my job; stressors regarding time constraints and orchestrating the safe arrival of my child at school and then again at home. The prospect of a visit to a mortgage company with my mother of all people in the middle of the week. The reminder once again that my independence is false in so many aspects - financial, familial, my mother IS my ONLY true support network. Everything else branches out from her. I did manage to determine that my aunt MIGHT care for Scarlett Friday night while I play angel for a few hours. If she follows through, my tension will ease. If she doesn't, or if some other element comes into play to affect my Friday plans, then the tension I feel now will be incomparable to the dead weight of pain I will carry in my chest.

Howard is gone for two weeks. He says he may email me from home when its safe, but I don't count on it. His life is so full when he is out of the office, and I wouldn't begrudge him that time. I may continue to email him while he's gone, because he is the one confidante to whom I can truly dump my soul. All others must needs be censored in some fashion. Even that dear man who loves me does not get the full brunt of my pain, not yet. I sense there may come a day when he will want that from me - when he will want my confidence, my secrets, my heart. I will wait patiently for that time, and concentrate on enjoying the creation of a friendship along the way toward love.

Comments

[cheeseater.livejournal.com]

There will always be doubt in our lives. It's what fills the void left when you let your faith go. We all have parts of our lives that we keep under lock and key. Private feelings and deep fears. It does good to let things out, to get them out in the open. Fear cannot stand the light of truth. Doubt withers under the onslaught of reassurance. It is only when we let our guard down do these forces triumph. An army of one, no matter how strong will be quickly outflanked and outnumbered. Keep your support network in place even if it is only one other person.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Her physical supports are real, and necessary. But upon rereading, I must acknowledge that she is only that - a physical support. Emotionally we have clashed for so long that I've refused to allow her to support me in that fashion. And the people who DO provide that emotional support are as important to me, if not moreso. In the flesh there is one person who provides that. There could be two, if I had the time to spend with the second. But here, online, there are several. Present company clearly included, and occupying a very important place.

[cheeseater.livejournal.com]

I am flattered. I don't really know of anybody who has a rock-solid support group. It always seems that there are always offers of help until someone has to get their hands dirty.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

That's very true, in my case as much as anyone. And there are times of course when I feel totally abandoned, because everyone is busy. But that usually passes after just a bit. And I know in my heart who I can count on, so when I'm in dire straits (heh. I love Dire Straits) those are the people I turn to.

[cheeseater.livejournal.com]

Cool, I couldn't find my "Brothers in Arms" CD, so I picked one up at lunch today. ;-) I gotta have good music for the road!!!

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! That's another thing I need to do. Get my cd's together, and perhaps burn one from my mp3s that I have on my computer. hmmmmmmmm

[cheeseater.livejournal.com]

I just had to post another song entry to my journal. Not an oldie, but it seemed just about right for the moment. Enjoy!