Today

It's not really a good day
It's a stay-at-home day, except I'm at work.
It's a grouchy-mood day, except I still have to deal with people.
It's a wish-my-house-was-clean day, except I don't have the strength.
It's a lonely day.
And I am.

(no subject)

I'm far too generous by nature.
I need to rein it in.
There's not a soul
in this world I can trust.
They all think badly of me
But don't bother to voice it.
Or they don't think of me at all
While I'm wasting brain power on them.
Trust no one.
Assume everyone is against you
Especially those who say they aren't.

I want to go home. 

But I haven't found home yet.

(no subject)

Are you busy?
No.
Are you sure?
Why can't you take me at my word?
Because you say you love me, and I find that difficult to believe.
So do I.
Then why do you say it?
Because it beats itself out of me. 

I don't know where it's coming from
or how long it's going to last. 
This love isn't like me.
I'm selfish and needy,
not prone to giving love
to people who 
will not love me back. 

I don't want to love you. 
It's too hard
and too painful. 
But I do, 
despite the pain and difficulty
and that's what makes me think
this love is not mine 
to give
or take away.

It's been put inside me by God, 
and He has His reasons
for wanting you to be loved.

I can argue with God
and fight the love
try to kill it 
with hateful reminders
of your faithless nature
and your harsh words;

I can cry
and hide from my family
and snap at random people
or those closest to me - 
those who love me.

But I can't seem to 
stay away from you
and I can't seem to
kill this love. 

I guess I need you to kill it
or kill me
to make it go away.
Sometimes I think 
you are trying to kill it
and then I grow a bit 
protective of it.
But I wish you could 
or would.