Walking down the hall

My mind has no shame. It knows what it wants, and there is nothing I can
do to control it.

I'm walking down the hall, trying my damnedest to focus on what needs
to be done today.

Heading toward the restroom, as I look up, my mind says:

"There he is."

I see his face, focus on it, and everything else falls away. I have to
mentally PUSH myself into the restroom.

I don't notice what he's wearing,
I couldn't tell you who he was with.
He saw me,
I saw him,

and that's enough to make me sad and empty for the rest of the day.

Why?

Because I'm NOT with him. I'm here, he's there, we're both doing stupid
shit that will have no meaning in a week or a month or a year, and every
moment that is not spent at his side is fucking wasted.

I haven't let any of this shit out in a while, so I guess I'm overdue.

Thus, there is your daily dose of drama queen.

You wanna hear something funny?

He just spent five minutes in my office bitching about the woman he was walking with (confirming it was indeed the woman we all want to smack upside the head) and trying to cover her ass for her. THIS will have me sporting a smile for the rest of the day, remembering his words as he walked away "Thanks a lot for lettin' me vent, you prob'ly saved somebody's life today."

THAT is what I'm here for.

(no subject)

It's a knick-knack, from padiwack

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

I'm growing increasingly bizzare as I lurk in this universe, and it concerns me sometimes. Real life needs to step in - big time.

Taken from the entry on June 20, 2004, and I included the sixth sentence as well, because I felt it needed to be there.

My journal is over two years old. What a long strange trip it's been. But I love my journal, yes I do.

How many times?

How many times have you stepped back and considered a relationship you have with someone and wondered if they would notice if you left their life? Have you ever chosen to remain despite thinking that "No, they wouldn't notice, but what I am doing is good and right and needs to be done. And I'm going to continue to do it, despite my weakness, SIMPLY because I know it is the RIGHT thing to do."

Now. Stop a minute. And think very hard.

Who in your life could be thinking "Would she even notice if I stepped away?"

How would you notice? And what do you appreciate about that person?

And why haven't you told them?

When will you?