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Feb. 3rd, 2006 05:42 amI've been up for an hour. It's 5:41 a.m. I was awake at 3:30. Now I don't have time to go back to sleep. I'm so tired of this shit. Today's the day to get it out, and all I can imagine is great floods of crap. I haven't been able to think straight enough to postpone my meeting with Scarlett's teachers. I can't seem to pull my thoughts together enough to write my rent check. Gotta do that TO-DAY. And those other bills - doesn't look like much is going to get paid this payday. Maybe nothing. I don't know. Mom and I had the house quite neat by the time she left Wednesday. Scarlett came home from school yesterday afternoon, and it went to hell. I don't have the energy to raise the issue. But I managed to coordinate efforts to make illegal purchases happen elsewhere, from here at home.
My priorities are so fucked up. Yes, I know it. And no, I have no clue what I'm going to do about it.
No clue.
It feels like all my life I've been marking time - waiting for MY time. And in truth, I've probably had my time all along. I can't seem to maintain a proper perspective for any length of time without pulling back into myself and saying 'fuck the world'. Without letting my mother rescue me and take over the primary issues of my life, so that I can do my thing with the issues that matter to me. What issue is that, you ask? Pleasure, for the most part. I have so few opportunities for relaxation that I tend to take time away from real needs in order to provide myself those chances to exhale.
Oh sure, I have most every weekend. But you know? When you've beat your ass all week, and not had time to do basic things like laundry or dishes or dusting or vacuuming or cleaning, those things loom and take over your weekend. And I'm so disinterested that they often don't get done, because it's easier to sleep in, log on, eat breakfast and internet. When I do tear myself away from this computer, I have no focus, I'm restless and muddle-headed and distractable. Disinterested in anything that requires my attention or action.
You know why? Oh sure, the internet is an addiction, but even more than that, the man is in here. Somewhere. That elusive man who is supposed to make everything right for me, and allow me to begin to live my life. Even after all I've been through these last few years, I know that I'm still searching for that. Despite all my attempts to accept the fact that I don't need him, the fact that I've spent the majority of my life alone still eats at me. And I'll have to marry tomorrow and live to be 90 in order for that to no longer be true. I know he's not here, because he's not anywhere. He doesn't exist. God was fooling me, by planting that desire in my heart, and he's been stringing me along ever since. Watch! Watch her! She really thinks that just because her family and church and society taught her she deserved to be loved and partnered with someone - she really believes it's truth! Watch this guys - dangle another one.....
