(no subject)

I had to fast for blood work today. Then they tried to charge me for the blood work, although the original information said all the work was free. My blood pressure went up while I tried to process that information. Couldn't get the bone scan done, because I have on stockings today. Thigh-highs, with the garter belt and all. Can't just slip one down, and then hook it back, would show too much skin to a room full of people I don't like. That stressed me, for some reason. I forgot to call my mother (today's her birthday) so that made me feel bad. I came back upstairs, ate my breaky, called my mom, but I can't talk to her about what's NOT going on.

I'm not going to get to see him again this weekend. I just can't work it in unless he comes over Friday night, and I don't think I'd want him to come over unless we could drink. Then he has no business driving home, and he can't STAY because we have to leave Saturday morning for Raleigh. This is getting so fucked up. I need a hug, and can't even buy one.

Scarlett is off school Monday AND Tuesday. And now I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with her Tuesday. I guess she'll have to go to mom's. Which is two hours more driving I'll have to do to take her down there then go and pick her up. I can't afford gas for this shit. (I can feel my bp inching up even more) Brent won't be in until after lunch, if at all, because he's at a funeral this morning. Pavanne is going out of town for work today. I wanna go home. I think I might. I can't decide, because I'd have to TELL somebody, and I don't wanna tell anybody. Fuck them. Fuck everybody. I'm gonna go hide my face in a corner.

(no subject)

I do everything
'In the nick of time'.
I hate that.
I used to be early
I used to arrive relaxed.
Not any more.
I'm a mom now.
And that is when 'on time' and 'prompt'
And 'punctual'
Became things of the past.
Now everything is due yesterday.

I have no time to daydream
(I do it anyway)
Have you eaten breakfast?
Have you brushed your teeth?
Brush your hair again please
It's frightful!

Hurry up! Get in the car!
Where's your violin?
Did I sign your assignment book?
Please don't whine. Have a good day, honey.

Now I have fifteen minutes to negotiate
Thirty minutes of traffic
I'm only five minutes late
No one will even notice.
Why is my heart pounding so?

I don't get much done in the mornings.
The time just flies away.
Lunch time comes
And lunch time goes
Then I try to finish my day.

Got to pick the kid up
Before my time's run out
I forgot to pay
Yesterday
Hope they'll take their time
Depositing that check.

I've got to get out of these clothes!
Maneuver around this mountain of laundry
I could never let a man come in this room.
My God.

Dinner? What dinner?
I haven't got a clue.
Let's see your homework honey.
Why won't your teacher answer my questions?

I'll do the dishes later.
Or maybe tomorrow.
I've GOT to sit down.
Maybe I'll fold clothes while I’m sitting here.
If my brain doesn't ooze out of my ears
From watching this drivel on the tube.

No cable, we can't afford it.
He can't live without it.
But I've had to make choices in my life.
Choices as a parent
No sense exposing her to too much sexuality
Too early on
And I need that money
For internet service
For homework.
(Yes, and for my email, and my journal, and my online obsession.)
I'd never begrudge him his cable.
If I were 'with' someone, we'd have cable.
But I'm not.

It's so damned quiet.
It's hard not to think
Of each day as more hours
That have wasted away.
I never wanted to slip back
Into that mindset.
I tried to free myself
'Forty and fabulous!'
'I'm free to do whatever I want
I don't need someone to have a life!'
It lasted for a while, anyway.

But that was when I had someone
Someone who wanted to talk to me
Someone who at least wished he could
Be with me every day.
It was nice while it lasted.
And it didn't get TOO ugly
When it ended.
Because I was an adult about it.
Better yet, I was a gracious, kindhearted
Sweet-spirited soul.
I can be that.
I used to be such a bitch.
I wonder whatever happened to that girl?

So another day is over
And the mountain of laundry hasn't
Even budged.
There were so many things
That needed to be done.
But weren't.
I prefer living in denial
Until something bites me in the ass.
That lifestyle is more
Precipitous to daydreaming
And since I can't have anyone
I need the escape.

"You'll be okay" she said

You'll be okay
She said
As she walked out the door

And I thought
Yeah, I'll be 'okay'.
I will survive,
I will live to see sixty, I bet.

But just how bad-off do you have to be
Before you're no longer 'okay'?
Perhaps if I could pine
And waste away to nothing
But skin and bones
Would that aptly portray
How empty I am inside?

Would that properly depict
How 'un-okay' I really am?

Perhaps if I could
Take up a habit
That was self-destructive
And injurious to others
Would that convey
My pain?

Why is it
Those of us
Who are good
At putting on a front
Are 'okay'
Or will be?

How is it possible that
I am surviving this life?

Health Update

Occurred to me while I was sending yet ANOTHER email to a coworker who was asking about my recent doctor visit - I haven't passed on the news to you lot.

So I saw the doctor yesterday. I like her. She's sweet. My blood pressure was 140/80, which is not technically high enough for meds, but well worth watching. She had little say about the nosebleeds, just suggested saline. I'm not likely to use that, since anything that softens the protective barrier seems to start the bleeds again. Haven't had one since yesterday morning, and it was a brief one. I'll live in fear for a few more days, and then likely relax. Doctors don't seem as concerned about blood loss unless they can see it shooting in a stream.

I had my bp taken again this morning, after they tried to charge me for the free blood tests, and it was 140/88. Almost past concern level, to meds level. But you know, it seems to be situational. I can tell when it's going up.

A new concern, which I haven't mentioned here, is bone loss. I have osteoporosis in my family, albeit indirectly, and I've never been a milk drinker. I've always made up for it with yogurt and cheese, and spinach and broccoli and sometimes calcium supplements. But I've slacked off on the supplements of late. I am officially 5' 0 and 3/4" tall. At age 38, I was 5' 1 and 1/2" tall. At age 30, I was 5' 2 and 1/2" tall. I am shrinking more rapidly. NOT good. Thus, I will likely be sent for a bone scan, and hopefully put on Fosamax or some such. I am ALSO going to step up my calcium supplements again. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Had blood work for HIV and Hepatitis, will have the remainder of the STD tests done in a couple weeks when I go for my 'girly' visit. Need a mammogram (any volunteers? LOL) and all that jazz.

Here's my plan. I'm going to start Yoga on Wednesday afternoons, and start seraching again for a bellydancing class. The yoga will help on several fronts - stress relief, pain reduction, cortisol reduction, prep for strength training (which aids in reducing bone loss) and will make me more stretchy. I am actually quite flexible in the evenings, when I'm naked, but it takes most all day for me to get to that point. Hopefully this will allow me to be more flexible when I have clothes on.

I'm also hoping the bellydancing will help with stress relief and endurance. And should build my self-confidence, which is once again sadly lacking. So sadly. (insert headshake)

Lyrics of the day

Hole Hearted
by Extreme
Extreme II: Pornograffiti
Words and Music by Nuno Bettencourt/Gary Cherone

Life's ambition occupy my time
Priorities confuse the mind
Happiness one step behind
This inner peace I've yet to find

Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I'm not blind why can't I see
That a circle can't fit where a square should be

There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can't be filled with the things I do

Hole hearted
Hole hearted

This heart of stone is where I hide
These feet of clay kep warm inside
Day by day less satisfied
Not fade away before I die

There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
Should have known from the start
I'd fall short with the things I do

Hole hearted