No deposit - no return

Nothing goes out without return. No emotion, no affection, no love, no gift, no hate, no fear. It is not always returned in kind, or returned to the one who gave it - but there is no doubt that all is returned. You believe in karma, believe also in this. It’s not such a leap.

 

I take deposits of emotion from people through a multitude of channels, and it always ends up processed inside and dispelled again to others in one form or another; sometimes through kindness or affection of some sort - physical, sexual or emotional. I HAVE to give it back – to get rid of it somehow to stay mentally stable, keep my blood pressure down and keep my emotions in check. I’ve grown ill at times for lack of opportunity to dispel the life force inside me – for lack of a chance to give it to someone else.

 

My journal provides me with an intake, and also an outlet. It provides contact with others, both through the journal itself and through the friends I've made as a result. But online connections are not sufficient, and I'm not even online at home, probably won't be at all this weekend.

 

This move has fucked with me. I am disjointed, scattered and emotionally disconnected. My mother noticed it in my voice today, which means it is quite a marked difference from normal. It is miserably cold, and my body is reacting negatively. I've had some brief thoughts of concern, that I may need to reconsider the Pain Clinic and reopen my Workers Comp claim, which has immediately brought tears to my eyes as a slap in the face, a glaring reminder of my failure to maintain my chosen alternative form of healing. That also brings reminders that this is a pattern throughout my life. I cannot seem to sustain a positive self-opinion without outside assistance, and I cannot achieve the outside assistance that I desire.

 

I will spend this weekend in need without respite.

 

This will certainly intensify my depression, forcing me further inward.