Anger

I'm really furious today. I've tried everything, up to and including switching browsers, and I still have nail.exe.  Charlie has been a WORLD of help, and I am so very grateful to him. I can even overlook the fact that he left me with some cryptic bit that makes me wanna grit my teeth. Truth is, I'm at that point anyway, and its nothing to do with Charlie. I'm going to return my camera today. I have uninstalled, scrubbed, and reinstalled the software five or six times, and rebooted out my ASS, and the computer will NOT recognize the camera any more. I can't download pics any more. So back it goes. Its broken my heart the way very few other things were able to - not being able to take pictures and download them makes me sob in a crumpled heap, because it was one of the few things that truly gave me joy. Stepping out of the swingers groups wasn't so bad, because I knew that there were still men out there I could have sex with, if/when they were in the mood. But this, this seems irreparable. I'll have trouble figuring out what camera to buy, and this one was so inexpensive ($100) that I won't be able to replace it with one that is similar now. I've used all the rest of the money on bills and so forth, and I feel like I'm walking into the store blind, totally without a clue regarding what to buy. What if nothing else works either? How can I trust any of them to work when I get them home? And what about two weeks later? What if it stops working then? I'm just beside myself.

 

The depression is growing deeper as September creeps closer. The idea of spending my birthday alone is abhorent, but the cost of traveling somewhere is prohibitive. Of course I'll be asking for money from my parents for my birthday, but neither of them will likely give me enough to afford a real trip. And the issue of where to go is difficult as well. I thought about Iowa, but that's right around Lisa's due date, and I would not feel comfortable imposing myself on her. I remember how I would have felt at that point, and I just can't do that to her. I can't afford to visit NYC, and if I went to D.C., I could see Ben, but there's no guarantee I could see Howard. And I'm not even sure if I DID see Howard if he would feel the same way toward me as I feel toward him. There's a risk that my visit with Howard would be a repeat of that experience with my FWB last weekend, and THAT feeling is to be avoided at ALL COSTS.

 

Bottom line - I'm looking at diamonds, to mark the beginning of my 40th year. That will last beyond any memory.

 

I mentioned to a new friend that I understood why people kill themselves, and he launched into a lot of stuff that almost made me MORE angry, about how God cares about me. I'm not ready to go there, because I have a huge grudge against Him right now. But I'm not going anywhere, despite the fact that I understand why people kill themselves, and I sometimes feel the urge. I'm not going to do it, I'm too angry. The anger is eating me alive. Its ruining everything inside me, until there's hardly any sweetness left.

Tony said: Losing your sugar coating I see.  I have a quote for you...if you want it....you can quote me

 

What happens when life sucks the sugarcoating from a sweet lady?

Me: I'm sure I don't know

Tony:   lol   Stick around.

Sounds like something Mae West would say.

 

I've gotta hop in the shower, so we can go to the movies, and return this fucking camera. OHmygod I'm so mad.