Chocolate games

This morning has fucked me up. About two weeks ago, I bought some chocolate truffles for four people - Tim in NYC, the girl I run around with, a guy friend of mine named Steve who likes to play practical jokes on me, and for Brent. They're all chocolate fiends, as I am, and Holls Chocolates (made here in WV) are gourmet treats. They have all these awesome liquor flavors - Baileys Irish Creme, Grand Marnier, and my absolute favorite of all time is called the Mint Julep Truffle. It has bourbon in it, and it makes me want to CRY when I eat it, because its so delicious. All three of the people here at the office know that I love these Mint Julep ones with an unholy passion. I even stole Steve's MJ truffle later that day because he took too long to eat it.

Well, I came in this morning, and there's a box of four Mint Julep Truffles on my chair. I immediately go thank Steve, because Brent's not usually in so early, and if it were him, it would have huge implications - that he'd remembered my favorite flavor, that he'd thought of me, etc etc ad nauseum.

Steve denied he bought them. His office mate and I put him thru several teasings and decided he was telling the truth. So I made a beeline for my phone and left Brent a voice mail to thank him. There is no way it could have been my girlfriend, she would have given them to me in person.

Well, Brent denied it too. He is totally clueless. He suggested that I have a secret admirer - but NO ONE knows what flavor of truffle to buy me, save those three people. I told him that secret admirers were bullshit, and I brooked no romantic notions to remain in my mind.

So I thank Steve again, after calling him a dog for lying to me (in an affectionate tone of course) and promised him back rubs for a solid week because of how sweet it was of him to remember my favorite and buy them for me.

Steve not only denies it again, but asks me what flavor it is, so he can buy it next time, in order to get more backrubs.

And this makes me cry. (Not in front of Steve, thank god) Steve has no idea that by denying it he implicates Brent. Steve is a thoughtful guy, fun, etc. He's married, and we are just friends, nothing more has ever been implicated between us. Why would I get so fucking torn apart by a little game? Why do I have to be so fragile?

I'm so mentally broken and twisted, I am never going to be fixable.

*History of Moi

A friend asked me a good question recently. I've asked her if I can post her question, and my answer, here in my journal. She's said yes, so a big THANK YOU to adidaschica2323 for saying what so many other have wondered. She also said "Actually I think if more of us new ALL of that we may understand more where you're coming from in all of this." So, in order for more of you to know ALL of that, here's the question, and my answer. I might tweak it, but only barely. Tweaks will be in italics.

Question: "a long time ago i used to think that you didn't need companionship to be happy; that a person could be single and a loner, while still being perfectly happy. while reading your journal i keep saying that over and over, i guess more to comfort myself because i too worry a lot about being alone in the end. but the truth is, i dont know for sure if you can really be happy and be alone. but i do know that the type of relationships you attract are directly linked to what kind of vibes you send out. i know at one time you were trying to work on "letting go of the reins and not obsess about relationships", i'm not sure if this was when you became involved in the swinger scene or what, but how did that work out? did you give it an honest try? or was it too hard? sex can never compensate for love, companionship and a caring, give & take relationship. if that's what your heart is truly after, no amount of escapades will quench that thirst. i cannot give you definites, and comforting words would probably seem trivial and generic at this point, but what i can tell you is the qualities that you do possess are worth way more in the end than what's "marketable". i dont know what your days are like, but maybe its time to move the search for Mr. (Almost) Perfect offline and into the real world. maybe volunteering, joining some kind of club, all ways to meet people who have other common interest besides sex; because you're truly worth so much more than a good lay...and while you don't think that's marketable, i hope you do know that."

Answer:  "I realize that you're fairly new to my journal, Nita, and I'm not sure, maybe you've not really believed me when I've said before that I've gone seven years without sex. A lot of people think that's an exaggeration or something. The truth behind that is this - I had gone seven years without sex, but it has also been five years since someone asked me out on a date; almost 13 years since I've had anything more than a one night stand, and fifteen plus years since I've had any kind of a substantial relationship with a man. There has not a single day gone by since Tim left me three lifetimes ago that I have not looked outside my own home for someone. ANYONE Not online, in the real world. During those 15 years I have been active in my church, in other churches, in the Jaycees, the bar scene, volunteer organizations within my places of employment, even second jobs at the mall in order to meet people, you name it, I did it.

Once I had my child, my life became her. Regarding my days, to be completely honest I do not have the time or the energy to do anything outside my home during the week. When I get home, I have four hours with my child. Wednesdays I don't even have that, because she has piano lessons. She spends most weekends with my mother, and I used to spend that time being depressed; now I spend it writing, cleaning my home, and spending time with the few real-life friends that I have. And I do mean FEW. Currently there is one. Please don't assume that because I am prolific online, and because I meet people online, that my world is wrapped up in this computer. It was last summer, and tearing myself away from the man who held me here was quite possibly the most horrific thing I've ever experienced. There is evidence in my journal of the pain I went through. If that's not enough, I can call to witness slytherinsheirx nemecic or phaballa, all three were witnesses to the debilitation, the insanity that I had to claw myself out of.  I will NEVER bond that tightly online with a man again. I flat out refuse. Real life is healthier, and better.

Since I started this journal, I have given some serious thought to the way I deal with relationships, what I want from one, and how I intend to go about getting one. I've been on dating services, and that's not instant message dates. Real life dates, that more often than not didn't even materialize. But I've not let that stop me from looking. Since I've let go of the idea of hunting down someone to bond with, thanks to He's Just Not That Into You  I have met more people in the last year than I had in the last seven years combined. Real live people, touched their flesh, heard their voices.

I have never intended this period of swinging to find me a mate. I have intended it to loosen me up, both mentally and physically, give me some relief from the insane sexual frustration, from the constant back pain, and from the insanity that has lingered on the edges of my mind from sitting in this chair for hours at a time. And hopefully it will make me a few new friends. That appears to be the case so far. The mate will come, perhaps. How? I have no fucking clue. But if he doesn't, I'll be damned if I'll waste my sexual prime in the physical and mental pain I have been experiencing to date. I can safely say I TRIED celibacy. And it ate me alive. I decided - No more. And I meant it.

My heart will not find what it needs in sex. But when I'm having sex regularly, my heart relaxes, and doesn't search every face that I pass for some sign that "he is the one". I can't tell you what a relief it is not to feel like a dog outside a butcher shop any more. Because that's how I've felt for the last 15 years, and it's shown on my face. Hopefully, now that I'm managing to get rid of the desperation in my eyes, I will not be quite so frightening to any potential mate who is out there."

EDIT: Something I failed to mention, and meant to when I answered her - she said she wasn't sure if "you could be really happy and be alone".  I believe there are people on this earth who can. I believe it with all my heart. I happen to know for God's true fact that I am not one of them. As long as I am alone, I will not be 'happy'.  I will likely not even be 'content'.  I was not created to be alone. No one who knows me would ever say anything else but No, she isn't made to be alone. Anyone who suggests to me that I need to 'learn' to be happy alone is operating under the mistaken assumption that I have given no thought to my own needs, or under the mistaken assumption that I have never truly been alone. I have spent the majority of my adulthood alone. I know whereof I speak.