mynewplace | (no subject)

SUNDAY

My daughter sang at a tiny country church this evening. Of course I attended, because I love my daughter and I support her in her efforts to expand her boundaries and improve herself. Most of all, I want her to be happy with me, as I am happy with her. So I do what I can.

As I expected, the sermon was preached directly at me. How could I expect such, you ask? Oh, that sweet young boy who spoke didn’t know me from Eve. Or perhaps, do you think, I was reading too much into what he said? No, it was plain and simple. I am doing things in my life that go against every single thing I have been taught from the cradle. I have no right to ask the God that I believe in to give me anything. I was put on this earth for his purpose, and I am, according to what I’ve been taught, expected to live according to that purpose to the best of my ability no matter what lot I am given. Be it solitude, crippling pain, depression, mania, single parenthood, no matter the lot, I am not to waver from those basic laws that have been laid down for me. Through this life, I am expected to gain knowledge and spiritual depth by enduring these things, and a multitude of others.

I’ve chosen to attempt, through years of adulthood, to live the way I was expected in order to gain what I thought was my heart’s desire in life. I’ve tried to be what I thought God wanted me to be, tried to live according to the tenets of the church I attended. Every time I’ve tried, I’ve failed. I’m human, I expected no less. But when I would manage to conduct myself as a Christian for any length of time - we’re talking years at a time - I would find myself continuing to fail in the single aspect which mattered to me most. That of being a mate. So instead I have chosen to veer from that path.

I was invited tonight to return again to the fold of Christianity. If I will set aside everything that currently brings me a modicum of satisfaction, comfort, happiness, pleasure, emotional growth, spirituality or even a brief smile to my face, I will at some indefinite point in the endless reaches of timelessness achieve eternal life with my Creator. I am asked to ignore and overcome all those desires that have been embedded in my heart from the beginning. Ignore the desires that I was taught God gave me, as well as the baser ones that are buried within my flesh. At this point in my life, that would mean give up any semblance of sexuality or pleasure. In order to properly do that, I would have to give up the internet, my journals, most of my online friendships, and most of my writing.

I made a conscious decision to refuse to return. I am not currently happy - I won’t pretend that I am. But I have experienced more contentment in the last week than I have known in many years. In the 15 months since I’ve gone off my medication, I have learned volumes about myself, the workings of my mind and heart and body. The life I’m choosing to live flies in the face of my history and upbringing. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. I have had some second thoughts since hearing that sermon. But the contentment is a strong draw to remain as I am.

MONDAY

In other news, a dear friend is going through a rough spot right now. This friend is in the process of having a secret exposed, that could ruin his work and home life. I am aching to talk with him, but I’ve told him that I will not contact him again until he contacts me. Any word from me could cause him to be nervous, for fear of further discovery, so my wants are secondary. But the mental distraction of wishing I could help him has left me restless through the last two days.

A couple of friends have drifted away, and that has saddened me. Brian in the Netherlands has stopped writing. He’s not the only one. I miss my friends, but I’m trying to respect their chosen distance. More mental distraction and restlessness. In turn, I’ve seen myself withdraw somewhat as well. I came across a picture of a handsome man in Wisconsin this weekend, and I was saddened all over again at the loss of that friendship. I still feel that if I hadn’t broken things off when I did, I would have done it at some later point, and we would have hurt one another more in the meantime. It was just too much.

Other friends here on lj, or online, are noticing my distance. To those of you who see this, I apologize. Its not that I don’t love you, or want to talk to you. I’m simply having trouble getting words down right now. I think that’s evidenced by the content and infrequency of my posts of late. This one took two days, and is lacking my usual sparkle.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

There's no need for your posts to sparkle - every part of you shines anyway.

My faith teaches us "Do as thou will, so long as it harms none" There are no guilt trips, only personal responsibility to be taken for each and every decision, choice and act we make, with the hope that we learn something from everything we do.

If the Christian ethos is to be accepted at face value, only about 6 people currently alive will ever reach Heaven. There is much beauty and much wisdom in the teachings of the Christian God yet there is also much hypocracy, viciousness, cruelty and moralistic judgement. A child in a fit of pique says "God is a Poopyhead" and is damned forever unless he or she repents - what true loving Deity would ever damn a child? Taking that one step further, are we not ALL the children of the Creation? What parent would see it as just and proper to arbitrarily damn their own children because of a mistake, whether or not redemption was also made possible?

In my faith of the Craft of the Witch, we are told to expect that we will make mistakes, as all children do. We are shown that it is right for us to acknowledge those mistakes, try to fix what we have done wrong and learn from the experience in a positive and growing way. There is no guilt and no punishment per se. Above all, we are shown that we are loved unconditionally for who we are and we know that we will return to the arms of the Mother at the conclusion of our mortal existence. There is no forgiveness for there is nothing to forgive - all is seen and understood and accepted and learned from.

Eternal guilt and punishment, versus eternal love and acceptance of our worth and beauty - I know which one I would choose. No wonder my faith is the fastest growing in the world right now.

Blessings of the Mother to you, dear friend ............ Shadow

Ahhh, this faith of yours is a stronger draw to the beliefs of the Goddess than any I have ever witnessed. While I see my personal God as very similar to your Goddess, not many view God this way. Understanding the teachings of the Judeo-Christian belief system doesn't mean I hold to all of them, and that's probably why I don't attend anywhere any more. No Protestant teaches what I believe. I know how real love acts, and its much more similar to the Goddess you describe. I choose to believe my God loves me that way - and yes, I also believe your Goddess loves me that way as well. The suffering in life, I think, comes as the result of choices made, consequences which must be accepted as the lessons of which you speak. I'm so glad I know you Liv. You're opening up a world to me that I'm sure will bring great wisdom.

Thank you love. I must sound so dogmatic at times but I can't seperate my faith from the rest of me - I don't put on a robe and become a witch, I am one. I'm afraid it tends to show through a bit in everything I say and do.

Each of us must find the Deity in their own way. May your search finally lead you to yours.

Blessings .......... Liv