mynewplace | (no subject)

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the stories

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He argued with himself with every step – down the corridor, standing in the elevator, turn the corner, now which hallway is it? He could attribute memory loss to his chemical indulgence all he wanted, but in reality he was just selective; he remembered what he wanted to remember and nothing more. If I pick the wrong hall then I won’t do it. Simple as that... an easy out... oh hell, there’s her name plate. He stood for long minutes, breathing deeply as he steadied his nerves. Hand in pocket, the “studied casual” look, and just a few quick strides had him past the partition, while she glanced up at the sound of footsteps on her carpet.

She was mesmerized by the sight of him standing there as if he stood there every day. She rose from her chair, her eyes questioning – fortunate because she was incapable of speech. He knew he had to look her in the eye to say it, but meeting her gaze caused a hole to form in his gut, expanding until it seemed to eat him up.

“How you been?” He glanced away. That was too casual.

“Fine.” Her voice quavered, but he couldn’t look up again. If she cried, he’d have to leave. She was sucking her lower lip, fighting tears, watching his eyes scan her bookshelves, her carpet, her back wall - anything to keep from looking ‘up’.

He finally raised his eyes, but had to look away again. She waited, a small snort of frustration her only concession to her feelings. One more time, he tried to look her in the eye.

“I’ve missed you.” He watched her eyes fill with tears as she replied “I’ve missed you too,” while she searched his face for some evidence of why he was torturing himself this way.

A few seconds of that green intensity was all he could bear. He leaned against the wall, while he over-analyzed the carpet.

“I told myself I didn’t… I never thought I would. I don’t really understand it, but it won’t go away.”

“I know.” She whispered. “Me too.”

His head hung, and she stumbled on.

“I know how hard it is to admit that you were wrong. And I’m sorry that I abandoned you.” Too late – the tears escaped. But he was trapped now, held tight by paralyses of guilt, regret and fear.

“No. I’m the one who’s sorry. I pushed you away.”

“Yes. But you always do that. If you hadn’t verbally beaten me, I think I could have stood it.”

She always made him chuckle.

He was acutely aware that the hallway was empty. He walked toward her, until her ass was pressed against her desk, and his hand was resting on the surface, by her hip. He looked down into those eyes again, and she held her breath, gaze widened with surprise.

“Kiss me.” He whispered, inches from her lips.

“No.” She held his gaze, suddenly sure of herself and her place.

“Kiss me.” He whispered, deeper this time, in that tone of voice he knew she loved.

Her eyes lost focus, her lids dropped as she sighed before she returned his gaze again.

“No.” And he saw there, as he’d seen so many nights before, that something in her face that said ‘I need so much from you, what will you give?’

“Why won’t you kiss me?” his breath caressed her cheek as he leaned slightly closer, shifting his hips to barely press hers. “You know you want to.”

“Because you don’t care about me. So why should I show you how much I care about you?”

“Show me.” He breathed.

“I’ve shown you my heart, but you refuse to see.” Her back arched and her hips grew wanton. “It’s time for you to prove yourself to me.”

That kiss should have been cold and unresponsive.

The desk shifted as her eyes closed and she felt that familiar softness brush against her mouth. His lips so fully matched her own that ‘Our mouths were made for one another’ flitted through her mind before perfect silence erased all thought. Each individual nerve ending sparked to life until her skin ached for contact and her blood pounded in protest against its venous restraint. Finally, finally her body melted in relief as he relented and pressed his thigh against hers, shifting his hand to her waist to pull her closer while she wrapped herself around him and let the darkness fill her body from her soul outward. In all her years of searching, no one had ever matched that kiss, and the realization pulled tears from the corners of her eyes as he gently pulled away.

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oh hun... *draws you into a hug*

filled with sorrow and passion...

i can feel... regret...

*snuggles*

(I'm probably way off)

Yeah, Matt. Regret is there, and sorrow that it's fantasy, and always will be.

But then... you know... if you let him pull you in again... you might not come back out.

He'll totally fuck with your mind... he already is.

I read the conversation below and he sounds.. like a total fuck wit... to be honest with you. Not using a rubber, doesn't want kids... wants to sleep around..

fuck him. figuratively.

There are so many more guys out there who will treat you better.
I know thats bad coming from me... and your situation and mind set but.. compared to him, every other guy on the planet is better 'n him.

Honey, that was Jessfromva's guy. My Brent isn't like that. But he doesn't treat me well, you're right about that. And he doesn't seem to even miss me, now that I'm gone. So I know, if there's ever going to be anybody, its got to be somebody else.

shit *hides embarrassed*

sorry.

It's ok. Because you made some valid points all the same. Don't worry about it.

True... but.. mistaken identities.

Did God decide to make all Brents a curse to humanity?

I know I must be wrong but you know...

There's a challenge for the world: Turn up one decent Brent.

Good question. But I must admit the challenge is having a bad effect on me. Makes me want to prove mine IS decent. Which is a bad idea.

Errm.. ok.
Well not a good idea. We'll disregard that particular idea.

I just got gizmo lol.

What's gizmo?

Its one of those telephone from your pc things.

http://www.gizmoproject.com/

ahhh.

lol.

whether it serves a use remains to be seen.

I'd like to make voice posts to here, but they haven't got any numbers for the uk, and it poked me in Gizmo's direction. Not sure how I'll do it tho.

I'm surprised they don't have UK numbers. That's odd. And not sure why it would point you that direction, unless you were going to make an mp3 and post it or something. I dunno.

Good point. I guess I'd use it to call one of the US numbers.

*shrugs*

Wonder if anyone else has it yet lol.

Hmm. I have called up through Gizmo and it sort of worked.. need a bit more time with it lol

its odd that as soon as I read this my brent called me. wants to see me for lunch tomorrow, after not seeing me for two months. misses me. and knows that as much as it'll will torture me to see him, i won't say no.

I wish I had the answer, but perhaps the fact that I understand what your going through counts also.

It does count. And there's no answer. Fortunately for me (and I do mean FORTUNATELY) this has not actually happened. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I haven't had to endure this.

I COULD of easily told him no that I had things to do tomorrow. But, he knew I wouldn't. I will throw everything out the window for a chance to be with him for a few moments.
I'm not sure what he has over me that no other man does. Hell, I have a wonderful boyfriend, and I would cheat on him with Brent in a second if the oportunity arose.
bleh...... stupid boy.

Oh honey, it's not just stupid boy at that point. If you mean it, that the boyfriend is wonderful, and clearly this Brent is not, you need to start reminding yourself WHY he is not wonderful. Until those reasons are so strong in your mind that you remember them EVERY time you think of him.

No, of course it's not easy. Especially when he's still contacting you. But you've got to cling to the pain he causes you. Because it's not going to chanage.

I can sit right next to him and tell him I hate his guts, but as much as he hurt me, I still love him.
He was nothing but honest with me about his intent to not stay with me forever, and never just be mine. I was the stupid on that said "oh well.. he doesn't need anyone else if I'm perfect for him". it so didn't work that way.

I knew someone like that once - who couldn't belong to just one. He was too much man for just one person. And there was always a part of me that wanted to be something to him, even if I was one of a group. I was actually okay with that. I've never known anyone else that made me willing to be poly.

I was willing to deal with it because she was in Michigan and I was here. So I never had to deal with her. Now shes moved down here, and I have to face that shes real and it kills me.
The fact that I'm so much prettier than her kills me too, and that he says shes horrible in bed and blah blah blah. Then why does he want her? Because she accepts him how he is, and I wanted him to myself.

How he is HOW? Other than a dog that screws around? I mean what? Hates kids? Refuses to work or something?

He is 35, which is 12 years older than me. His kids are grown pretty much. While he never hated Conner, he didn't want anymore. Hes been married twice, didn't want to get married again. Both things I wanted.
Yes, he is a dog that sleeps around, then expects me to let him fuck me without a rubber. not happening. but thats a whole nother story.
Thanks for being around to talk to, I needed someone to dump on.

I understand. I need dumpage too. Fuck you without a rubber and STILL insist on no more kids? Good for you for saying no. If a man isn't willing to compromise, or honor your desires as well as his own? That's well worth remembering when he asks to see you.

well, hes been snipped. he can't have more kids. but still, He is a STD breeding ground. No thank you.
He also never calls when he says he will. He works night shift, 2 on, 3 off, 3 on, 2 off. So he worked tuesday night, he'll only talk to me at work when shes not around. I feel like hes married and I'm the other woman. She knows all about me, she wants to fuck me too. I don't get him.
Yet the few hours I spend with him in person keep me hanging on because its amazing and easy to forget his bad aspects then.

I understand that too.

And can remember sitting here, feeling that, and wiping blood from my nose. I saw your entry, honey, and I'm sorry. But my GOD if anybody ever understood how that happens, it would be me.

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