(no subject)

[mynewplace]

He argued with himself with every step – down the corridor, standing in the elevator, turn the corner, now which hallway is it?   He could attribute memory loss to his chemical indulgence all he wanted, but in reality he was just selective; he remembered what he wanted to remember and nothing more. If I pick the wrong hall then I won’t do it. Simple as that... an easy out...  oh hell, there’s her name plate. He stood for long minutes, breathing deeply as he steadied his nerves. Hand in pocket, the “studied casual” look, and just a few quick strides had him past the partition, while she glanced up at the sound of footsteps on her carpet.

 

She was mesmerized by the sight of him standing there as if he stood there every day. She rose from her chair, her eyes questioning – fortunate because she was incapable of speech. He knew he had to look her in the eye to say it, but meeting her gaze caused a hole to form in his gut, expanding until it seemed to eat him up.

 

“How you been?” He glanced away. That was too casual.

 

“Fine.” Her voice quavered, but he couldn’t look up again. If she cried, he’d have to leave. She was sucking her lower lip, fighting tears, watching his eyes scan her bookshelves, her carpet, her back wall - anything to keep from looking ‘up’.

 

He finally raised his eyes, but had to look away again. She waited, a small snort of frustration her only concession to her feelings. One more time, he tried to look her in the eye.

 

“I’ve missed you.” He watched her eyes fill with tears as she replied “I’ve missed you too,” while she searched his face for some evidence of why he was torturing himself this way.

 

A few seconds of that green intensity was all he could bear. He leaned against the wall, while he over-analyzed the carpet.

 

“I told myself I didn’t… I never thought I would. I don’t really understand it, but it won’t go away.”

 

“I know.” She whispered. “Me too.” 

His head hung, and she stumbled on.

 

“I know how hard it is to admit that you were wrong. And I’m sorry that I abandoned you.” Too late – the tears escaped. But he was trapped now, held tight by paralyses of guilt, regret and fear.

 

“No. I’m the one who’s sorry. I pushed you away.”

 

“Yes. But you always do that. If you hadn’t verbally beaten me, I think I could have stood it.” 

She always made him chuckle.

 

He was acutely aware that the hallway was empty. He walked toward her, until her ass was pressed against her desk, and his hand was resting on the surface, by her hip. He looked down into those eyes again, and she held her breath, gaze widened with surprise.

 

“Kiss me.” He whispered, inches from her lips.

 

“No.” She held his gaze, suddenly sure of herself and her place.

 

“Kiss me.” He whispered, deeper this time, in that tone of voice he knew she loved.

 

Her eyes lost focus, her lids dropped as she sighed before she returned his gaze again.

 

“No.” And he saw there, as he’d seen so many nights before, that something in her face that said ‘I need so much from you, what will you give?’

 

“Why won’t you kiss me?” his breath caressed her cheek as he leaned slightly closer, shifting his hips to barely press hers. “You know you want to.”

 

“Because you don’t care about me. So why should I show you how much I care about you?”

 

“Show me.” He breathed.

 

“I’ve shown you my heart, but you refuse to see.” Her back arched and her hips grew wanton. “It’s time for you to prove yourself to me.”

 

That kiss should have been cold and unresponsive.

 

The desk shifted as her eyes closed and she felt that familiar softness brush against her mouth. His lips so fully matched her own that ‘Our mouths were made for one another’ flitted through her mind before perfect silence erased all thought. Each individual nerve ending sparked to life until her skin ached for contact and her blood pounded in protest against its venous restraint. Finally, finally her body melted in relief as he relented and pressed his thigh against hers, shifting his hand to her waist to pull her closer while she wrapped herself around him and let the darkness fill her body from her soul outward. In all her years of searching, no one had ever matched that kiss, and the realization pulled tears from the corners of her eyes as he gently pulled away.