Pissed me off.....

[mynewplace]

I found this in my email this morning, as a response to the edit on yesterday evening's post.

Their reply was:

Subject: how true...
BTW, I've always checked to see how you and Rae were doing. Since you're both doing great... i stayed in the shadows... you don't need a fuckup like me.

Peace!

~J

Anyone wanna venture a hypothesis regarding WHY this pisses me off? Cause I'm not sure. Is it the self-depreciation? Is it the pity that the commenter seems to be trying to garner? The.... Heh. I said 'garner'.  Garner.  Makes me think of Jennifer Garner.  She's from Charleston, you know.  Grew up just a few miles from my best friend's house.  The girls I know, who are fresh out of high school, have met her.  They say she's sweet, but too skinny.  Like, 'can see your internal organs' skinny.  She was a ballet dancer, so she's got that long lean look to her neck and body, with very little protective fat beneath her skin. But she's pregnant now. So that layer is a bit thicker these days, I bet. Pregnant. With Ben Affleck's baby. Heh. Ben Affleck. He can't act worth a shit. But he's hot as all fuck!  I wonder how she feels being the 'second Jenn'. Does she think of herself and Ben as Bennifer? I bet not. People say that this marriage isn't as exciting, so he's slipped from view. But those are the kind that last, you know. The quiet solid stable ones. Ben Affleck looks like my FWB. Except Gary's eyes and lashes are darker. He almost has a harsh look about him, until you get to talking to him. And he has those freckles - MMM! They just make me wanna lick him. Dang. I shouldn't think about Gary. He's an ass. 

Well, guess I'm not mad any more! LOL  I started this post to rant about Joshayet, and how aggravated I'd become at his message. But then my brain took that turn, and looking back, I thought You know? I should just write that out. Because its funny how easily I can let anger slide by distracting myself. Especially when I don't care any more about the person who has aggravated me. It's so easy to let someone slip from your mind when they don't care enough to talk to you once in a while.

Which in turn got me thinking about another on-line person who has pissed me off in the past. One which I didn't let go of quite so easily. Thaaat's right, people. I'm gonna TALK about JOSEPH. OUT LOUD. petulantgod, should any of you feel so inclined to wonder who the fuck Joseph is. He's been gone almost an entire year now, so I'm clearheaded enough to bring this up, speak my mind, and move on. (a/n: If you want background, go to my Memories section, the one labeled Inside My Heart There you will find the majority of entries where he has commented, or that I have written about him. Most the time I don't mention him by name.)

It wasn't as easy to let him go, because I loved him. With every fiber of my being, every cell of my mind, my entire self was focused on that man, to the exclusion of all else - no Scarlett, no job, no family, no self, NOTHING it seemed could tear me away. Nothing except the object of the obsession.

After thinking about how easy it was to let Joshayet go, my mind naturally wandered to Joey and how hard it was to quit thinking about him. I've done it, almost. Clearly, not completely because here I am, discussing it. But it almost never happens any more. I saw a Native American man performing some menial labor the other day, and my mind went there, briefly. He smiled at me, and I sizzled back. Scarlett and I watched Spirit, Stallion of The Cimarron Thursday night. And I thought about him occasionally then, in certain scenes. It would have been a painful movie to watch, even six months ago. Now its just a sweet, slightly achy story, that is very well done in some places, and not so well done in others.

I will always credit him for breaking down my defenses and setting me free. For planting the seeds of self-love. Those of you who read this journal because my pictures turn you on and you've come to love my mind can thank him. He showed me how intelligent I was, how fluent I could be, and he showed me how much difference it could make if I just loved myself a little bit.

But all that shit we said about being friends forever, no matter what happened? No matter what came between us? It's just that. Bullshit. All I could think when I was standing over the trash can, emptying my tea ball as he breezed across my mind was I wonder how long he had been trying to get rid of me, before he blew up and fell silent? I bet he'd been trying to break things off for a long time. And then the remainder of this post came to me, as you now see it.

I've matured about ten years worth in the last twelve months.

Comments

[covertamerican.livejournal.com]

Men! Can't live with them, can't live without that handy thing they have to take on picnics.

I've often thought the same thing about a certain someone... how long? What signs did I ignore?

And the bit that always annoys me is, "we're still friends, right?" It makes me want to scream, "NO you self serving pig." LOL

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. No wait. Yes we can, we'd only have to go to prison. lol

I love that song, by the way, thanks for reminding me of it. I can hear Kermit singing now:

Can't live with 'em
Can't live without 'em
There's somethin' irresisti-BULLLL-ish about 'em
We tolerate 'em cause the nights are long
I hope that somethin' better comes along

[onesexiladee.livejournal.com]

Glad to think someone THINKS I am doing great, in actuality my life (things with my health, my mom etc) have been pretty shitty. But oh well I guess I must put up a good front huh? Well anyways, hugs sweetie!!

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I know sweetheart. He's not reading very hard, is he? This is why I wanted your email address, but I'm glad you've seen it. Fuck him, ok? Or as rtsindo has been known to say UNFuck him.