How motivated?

[mynewplace]

I'm not motivated enough to qualify for my insurance weight loss
program.

Ha.

No shit.

Why would I be motivated? WHY would I want to change the way I eat,
when food is one of few true pleasures in my life? WHY would I take the
time to exercise, when my life already is so rushed? I have very little
interest in improving myself any more.

When I think about it, all I want to do is cry and go to bed. I did so
well before, when I was looking for love and better able to ignore my
physical pain. When I had something else to think about besides food. I
can't quite figure that out. I mean, I have LOADS of shit on my mind
these days, but nothing seems to have resolution. Thus I'm more inclined
to eat, as a coping mechanism, to soothe my nerves. Before, there were
many possibilities for resolution of my search for love, and I was less
inclined to eat, and cherished my nervousness, pulled it around me like
a blanket and felt smug within it.

What a difference a year makes.