I haven't even weighed myself and I feel this post. I went to put on a pair of jeans I could wear toward the end of last year, jeans I fought long and hard for over many hours at the gym, and I couldn't get them buttoned and zipped. It wasn't that much of a surprise, really, but it kind of broke my heart. Doesn't help that my lover, while on the chubby side, pretty much eats anything he wants and doesn't seem to suffer for it. He enjoys rich food, both while dining out and at home, and I know he doesn't get enough home cooking, so when we're together, I oblige him as often as I can. The result: My too-chubby face in the mirror that it's getting harder to hide by staring at myself from flattering angles, tighter clothes, and the resurgence of a self-loathing I'd thought long dead.
I don't know how much I weigh. I'm afraid to know. I know it's just a number, and that it should not have that much power over me, but I have serious humiliation issues dating back to a group weigh in 6th grade. My weight (the actual number itself) has been a source of deep shame for me ever since the day my gym teacher put me on the scale, then made a big show of looking around behind me and asked (in front of my whole class) "198! *whistle* Who else you got on that scale with you, girl?"
198. I look back at the pictures of myself then, and even later, in high school when I got into the 250s, and I want to cry. I would kill today to have the body I had back then, and I thought I was such a hideous monster. That no one could ever love me, or be attracted to me. It just makes me shake my head at the mindjob my mom did on me, and the rest of the world at large.
So! Off to the gym tomorrow morning for me, and we shall see how it goes from there! I for one would like to read about your thoughts and experiences as you go forward with your changes, if you feel inclined to write about them.
this is a lot longer than i planned. sorry. :P
I don't know how much I weigh. I'm afraid to know. I know it's just a number, and that it should not have that much power over me, but I have serious humiliation issues dating back to a group weigh in 6th grade. My weight (the actual number itself) has been a source of deep shame for me ever since the day my gym teacher put me on the scale, then made a big show of looking around behind me and asked (in front of my whole class) "198! *whistle* Who else you got on that scale with you, girl?"
198. I look back at the pictures of myself then, and even later, in high school when I got into the 250s, and I want to cry. I would kill today to have the body I had back then, and I thought I was such a hideous monster. That no one could ever love me, or be attracted to me. It just makes me shake my head at the mindjob my mom did on me, and the rest of the world at large.
So! Off to the gym tomorrow morning for me, and we shall see how it goes from there! I for one would like to read about your thoughts and experiences as you go forward with your changes, if you feel inclined to write about them.
Lots of love from Indiana, girl.