Jun. 18th, 2007

mynewplace: (Default)

Hi there. Miss me? 

I've been feeling ambivalent about the internet these days.  My mouse hand gets numb if I use it much. All the other health and body issues I've developed of late have made me a bit more self-aware and frustrated. I've had pain in various body parts for years, but in the last few weeks the pain has become more pronounced and worrisome.  My knees hurt EVERY time I take a step, and the pain increases the more I do, so that I'm starting to wonder if it's time for a visit to a specialist. My hips and ankles are in much the same condition.  I haven't gained a lot more weight since the beginning of the year, but I can't seem to make myself give a shit about trying to get it off. Other attempts have failed.  I am so disgusted with my life that food is one of the few pleasures remaining for me.  I'm growing sick of my physical appearance, and tempted to withdraw from Brent's life so that no one at all will see me naked any more. 

Self hatred is a lot harder to overcome than carbs and fats.  The stress of all the aspects of my life which are out of control and out of MY control has me living on cortisol these days.  I find it difficult to think about eating healthy when I can't afford healthy food and eating is the only drug that I can afford and use without the guilt of doing something illegal.


Scarlett's home, and we're having a nice time, despite events today that were frustrating.  She's been very well behaved.  I'm going to work tomorrow for a few hours - because I don't have enough annual leave to take four days off work. 

I'm sure I'll start my period this week. The primary focus of my brain is food and pain. That's always the signal that the surly gurl is on her way.

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